How More Fighting Is the Secret to a Great Relationship
And how to handle the conflicts that WILL happen.
Forget everlasting peace — the secret to a healthy relationship is more screaming matches pointed in the right direction.
Today, I had a very heated argument with my father. When everything settled, we understood each other better and were never closer. If the argument had been avoided, we'd have drifted more and more.
Coming back to romantic relationships; If you and your partner are always fighting armed to the teeth with silent treatments, passive aggressiveness, or even just plain arguments, It can feel like your relationship is falling apart.
However, some couples might find a relationship without conflict even more detrimental. Like a wound left to fester, it can spread and ruin everything. Conflicts are necessary — I'll show you ways how to navigate them so it strengthen your relationships instead of ruining them.
Reframe Conflicts Altogether
When we think of conflicts, our minds may go to mindless fights. Instead, reframe it as simple conversations, not a war.
Throw away the negativity associated with conflicts. It is just a means of expressing your wants and needs in a way your partner will be willing to listen and act on and vice versa.
I had a bizarre relationship with a girl once. It was bizarre because we never fought — and although it was peaceful throughout, we slowly fell out of love for each other.
None of us understood each other and there were no boundaries. If boundaries existed, a fight would be unavoidable. We broke up.
"A good fight can be very close to love." - ZZ Packer
Pick Your Battles Wisely
Not every inconvenience should be brought up.
It's easy to turn everything little thing into a pissing match. But the more fights like these happen, the more toxic the relationship is going to get.
Don't sweat the small stuff.
Only pick and focus on issues you know would be pivotal to the health of your relationship. Like whether the relationship is exclusive or open, if you should share an apartment, or if you or your partner want kids or not (if you're married).
This will make sure you don't accidentally start a forest fire because you want to get a little warm.
Watch The Timing
Starting an argument with your partner in the heat of anger is a bad idea.
"Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you'll ever regret." - Ambrose Bierce
When you notice something you don't like or want to talk about, if you or your partner aren't emotionally stable at the moment, hold out a little longer. Look for a time when you're both calm and relaxed to bring it up.
Trust me, it will be completely worth it.
Ditch The "You" Statements And Embrace The "I"s
"You never listen. You are the problem. Why are you so stubborn?" — During conflict with people you care about, "you" is the enemy.
Instead of saying the above, you can rephrase it as:
- I feel hurt when my words are not being heard.
- I'm feeling frustrated because [State the problem].
- I'm having trouble seeing eye to eye with this. Maybe we could look at it from another angle or find a compromise?
Notice how none of my suggestions are accusatory. That's how it should be done.
"A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." - Proverbs 15:1 (Bible)
Active Listening Is Key
Listening just to defend yourself is foul.
Put down your phone, drop down your walls, open your ears and heart, and listen like they are telling you the location of a million-dollar treasure because that's how valuable they are.
When you're listening, don't just aim to defend yourself. Try to understand their perspective and fully acknowledge their feelings and motivations.
If they're bringing up a problem, try to solve it as a team — that's why you are called partners. If they just want to talk, pay attention.
Conflicts are blessings, not curses in your relationship. Consider it a red flag if you never fight with each other.
When settling conflicts, do so properly so it doesn't escalate into something else entirely. Your relationship is important and I pray you make it work because you and your partner deserve the best.
Drink a lot of water and good day.
