How to Avoid Breadcrumbers And Find a Serious Relationship
Look out for these four red signals.
You probably have experienced a relationship with a person or even dated someone or doing it right now. If not, you might have heard your friends complaining about their partner's infidelity and have heard words such as “gas listing” and “ghosting” as these terms are very much in fashion these days.
But have you heard of “bread-crumbing”?
Are you cudgeling your mind?
Ok, learn it from Kelly Campbell, who is a Professor of Psychology at California State University and her studies pertain to love connections, romantic partners, friendship, cheating, and infidelity.
According to her, bread-crumbing is:
“leading someone on romantically using online or electronic forums (think: social media or texting) to keep someone’s interest in you, even if you never intend to become romantically involved with them.”
When someone tries to make you dependent on them for a romantic relationship in a manipulative way, they are using bread-crumbing tactics. That’s simple.
They are trying to lure you into a romantic relationship when they aren’t seriously committed. They do this by sending you flirtatious messages to get your attention.
They do it without spending themselves emotionally but are playing with you. They take you to the heights of that fake relation and when it comes to the meeting; they slip away easily and leave you alone on a high cliff of love, from where falling remains the only option that results in a serious setback.
This is such a serious problem in relationships and can cause many heartbreaks. But you can avoid your future heartbreaks by watching out for Cambell's red flags to navigate the manipulative behavior.
The Red Flags of bread-crumbing
Here are the four red flags that you should look for in a relationship to find out if you are giving your attention to the right person:
1. They slip away when it comes to getting together
At the start of the relationship, they show eagerness. But they get lazy when you emotionally invest yourself. And they know it.
This the first alert sign you should know. When you express your desires for getting together, they avoid it. They are less invested emotionally in getting together.
“Bread-crumbers make plans with you but cancel or don’t show up, and they seem too busy for you. They might even go absent for periods of time.”
2. They blow hot and cold
At first, they want to get your attention at all costs. They follow you on social media accounts, reply to your comments quickly, give you flirtatious replies, give you physical green signals, and they are constant in it. But when you get closer, they vanish away and don’t respond to your back. They get slow in their response. According to Campbell, “they take a long time to respond to your messages.”
3. They always keep you in doubts
They are highly unpredictable. While talking or chatting on devices, they show eagerness sometimes but other times; they lack passion and become cold. You never know what to do. They always keep you in doubt and you never know where you stand with them.
According to Campbell:
“Bread-crumbers are sporadic, inconsistent, and unpredictable in their expression of interest in you.”
4. You can’t figure out their actions
Because of the unpredictability of their natures, you can’t infer anything from their actions. The more you think about their actions, the more you get confused.
That’s why Campbell explains that:
“You are often left confused or frustrated after interacting with them.”
The root cause of people behaving in such a way
There are various reasons people use breadcrumbing tactics. The most among them are to get undue attention. Such people love, even die for getting other’s attention and apply various techniques to achieve their goal. As Campbell explains:
“because their self-esteem is impacted by how much attention they can secure from others.”
She points out some psychological patterns that compel people to do such things:
Other’s attention keeps them feel better
They just want to achieve other’s attention. It’s in their psychology. They think that getting other’s attention is what one needs in life. Rather, they are too possessive and want everything for themselves.
They are hungry for being in one’s eyes all the time and that’s at any cost. Even if they had to play with the feeling of others.
Some of them don’t understand and are not aware of what they are doing actually, but they do it.
A year ago, a girl followed me on Instagram, Facebook and then moved on to sending me text messages. Our friendship grew quickly and then you know what happens ahead.
It turned into a secret love affair. I told her I am married, and she knew the fact, despite that, she was adamant about her decision. To tell you the truth, I also enjoyed talking with her. But deep down, I didn’t like it.
Something in me was not accepting it. However, after a month, she left everything, didn’t respond, neither talked to me the way she wanted. I grew worried.
Then I found she was only trying to get my attention. I figured it out and tried to cut off all the contacts with her. I blocked her on various social media accounts. Still, she peeps in after some time.
Campbell mentions this behavior of the bread crumbers as:
“The more interest from others they maintain, the better they feel about themselves.”
They validate everything about themselves
Another thing she would often ask me if she is beautiful? How does she look like in a particular dress?
This readily gave me the clue that she lacks self-confidence. I got her there. I would assure her that yes, she is beautiful and any dress would suit her.
After that, she would feel fine.
This is one of the signs that they demand constant reassurance from others as Campbell relates:
“They don’t feel comfortable or confident unless they get constant reassurance from others that they are worthy or valuable.”
They aren’t single
The first we talked over messages, I thought she was single. But I was wrong.
She was already engaged to someone else. When we finally talked about it, it broke my heart. I told her about my status but she hid it for a long time. Then, one day, I got a clue from her messages and told her. She denied it first but later on admitted it.
I told her if she is already in a relation, why she talks to me? She told me she liked me!
That’s a lie.
She only wanted to get undue attention. This is another sign bread crumbers can be spotted as Campbel says:
“Another reason this can happen is that they are already in a relationship with someone yet are still seeking attention from others.”
They don’t feel guilty about playing with the emotions of others
Again I have to quote Campbell here. She says:
“Often, these individuals have a personality characterized by narcissism as well as a game-playing, shallow approach to relationship. They don’t feel guilty about manipulating others and playing with people’s emotions.”
They are narcissists by nature. They love to play games with others. They crave to manipulate other’s feelings. They are shallow and jealous personalities and don’t regard relationships seriously.
They only love themselves. Maybe they don’t love themselves as well.
Because, if they love themselves, they would have taken relationships seriously.
How to break away from such people to save your time and resources?
I know it hard to break away so easily. Once you feel for someone, you can’t easily forget him/her so easily.
People are people. They are not drinks or lunch taken at an unknown restaurant which you forget easily. You have invested your emotional self in them. How come you will forget everything so easily.
It takes time to forget someone.
But there are solutions to break away from such people and find someone who seriously wants to be in relation with you.
The first and foremost thing Campbell suggests is to:
“Augment your self-esteem by engaging in activities that you excel at and by treating yourself kindly. Engage in self-care, use positive self-talk.”
Be happy thinking that you have got rid of a person who was using you. You should be thinking that it’s good for your mental and physical health if a deceiver has gone off from your life.
After all, self-care the foremost thing.
“You set the example for how others should treat you, so don’t tolerate poor treatment. You deserve someone who is willing to give you the same amount of attention you are willing to invest.”
The best thing is to give your attention and time to those who regard your relationship as precious. One who truly loves you, or at least is clear and open in her expression. A person who doesn’t keep you in ambiguity.
Final takeaways
Modern technologies have brought us more together. But they are often the sources of our breakups. Excessive use of it also destroyed not only romantic relations but family relations too.
Coming to the point, dating apps and social accounts are constant sources of getting in touch with such people.
And bread crumbers are the masters of using technologies to grind their aces. They first follow you, comment on your post, get your cell number, message you on what's up, or Facebook messenger.
From the very start of their messages, they show they are interested in you. Once they get hold of you, they slip away.
They only need to get the maximum attention from people. They have lesser regard for you or your relationship. All they mean is to satisfy their psychological disorder of getting more attention.
If you think you are in such a relation, look for the reason and find out.
