How to Avoid the ‘Nice Guy’ Trap and Why it Kills the Passion in Your Relationship

What is ‘Nice Guy’ Syndrome?

According to Robert Glover, the author of ‘No More Mr. Nice Guy’:

“Seeking women’s approval creates rage toward women.”

Many ‘Nice Guys’ would claim that they ‘love’ women, but in reality -

A significant portion of them harbor deep-seated resentment towards women 😬

This stems from a common human tendency to resent that which we elevate to a godlike status.

When our idealized figures fail to meet our expectations, we typically react in one of two ways:

1. We either escalate our worship fervently

Or

2. We vent our frustrations in righteous anger.

When ‘Nice Guys’ elevate women to pedestals and strive for their validation, inevitably, this idolization transforms into resentment when these women fail to meet their unrealistic expectations…

The typical characteristics of a ‘Nice Guy’ are:

1. Conflict-avoidant
2. Unacknowledged inner unworthiness
3. Scarcity mentality
4. Avoids difficult emotions
5. Believes they are being a martyr but actually creates unspoken transactional, tit-for-tat relationships
6. Believes taking care of yourself is ‘selfish’
7. Defensive when challenged — might say things like: ‘Isn’t it good to give to others and sacrifice?’
8. Fixing or advice as status quo
9. Underneath seething with resentment or anger
10. Passive-aggressive
11. Needs the approval of others
12. Cannot be trusted — changes opinion or direction depending on what will please others
13. Have no desires or opinion of their own
14. Won’t leave toxic situations

How to Avoid the ‘Nice Guy’ Trap

If you’re feeling distance with your wife, and you can’t figure out why, here’s an angle that most men haven’t encountered:

(but when they do, they say: ‘why didn’t anyone tell me this 30 years ago!’)

1. Do you find yourself bending over backwards to make her happy — but nothing seems to be ‘enough’?
2. Are you finding yourself quietly resentful because you’re doing everything to make her happy — but you don’t get reciprocation?
3. Did you stop asking for what you want or speaking up for yourself, and you feel either ignored, or like you’re just a roommate?

Then you may have fallen into the ‘nice guy’ trap.

Many well-meaning men have, out of a sincere desire to truly respect women and not cause harm.

The problem is, we went from one extreme — of domination — to the other — of self-effacement.

But what relationships need today is a ‘there’ there — from BOTH partners.

She matters, and…

You matter too.

If you don’t come as a full human to relating, you’ll lose her respect, and also, the passion in the relationship.

So, how do you come into this middle path?

The first steps are:

1. Start giving yourself love instead of letting your critic run the show.
2. Get in touch with what you’re really desiring and feeling — and learn how and when to speak it skillfully.
3. Establish boundaries as a sacred act of love.
4. Collaborate with her (get out of the ‘me vs you’) and get curious about how you can change this together.

Dealing with Repressed Rage and Resentment

‘Nice Guys’ are often actually full of rage.

The key to dealing with that rage is not to unleash it on your partner like a pot blowing its lid, or to suppress it and have it come out in passive-aggressive side comments, or to make yourself wrong for feeling it.

So, what’s the alternative then?

To honor that rage as a sacred messenger there to show you that what you’re doing isn’t working and you need to start to own your desires in a forthright way and take responsibility for getting them met.

Neo-Tantric practices can be super helpful for working with rage as energy — taking the label away — and letting it run through your body.

This is a somatic process that requires movement, sounding, catharsis — and cannot be done with the mind.

Additionally, modern parts work helps you befriend the rage, talk to it, listen to it, get curious about it — without letting it be in charge anymore.

Incorporating Neo-Tantra into Your Sex Life

What I hear from women in every women’s group and workshop I’ve been in, and what I hear from coaches who work with women, is that -

Lots and lots of women REALLY want to get ‘taken’ in bed — want their man to be in control, to be a little bit (or a lot) dominant.

What I hear from the hundreds of men I have worked with is that their women are super controlling in bed and out and won’t let go, won’t surrender.

Many of the men I work with are suffering from ‘Nice Guy’ syndrome and are very tentative in dating and in bed — from a well-meaning, caring place of not wanting to be jerks who perpetuate misogyny.

So what are we to DO?

This is partly why I do my work.

And it’s why I’ve created a free guide available for download all about:

How to Incorporate Neo-Tantra into Your Sex Life NOW.

Get THE manual for the tantric sex life you’ve always wanted…

If you think you know what ‘tantra’ is — think again!

Download my free guide on how to incorporate Neo-Tantra into your sex life NOW here.​​

For more on overcoming common obstacles and barriers to pleasure and liberated sexuality, join my free Facebook community: Passionate Relationships for Powerful Men.

All genders are welcome in the group (so that we learn from each other!), though the content is focussed on men.

In this group you’ll find 350+ powerful men: successful executives, VCs and tech founders who’ve built world-class businesses, now building world-class relationships.

See you there!

With love,

Dr. Jessica

xo