How to Break Up with Someone
Step by step break down of a good breakup.
Breaking up is not easy. No matter the reason it is stressful.
I was horrible with breakups. I broke up with my first boyfriend over the phone and then ignored him as if we never even were together. With my second boyfriend, I wanted to break up for 6 months and couldn’t find the courage to. I ended up dating him for a year, half of which I was just waiting for a good moment to break up. With my third boyfriend, I broke up in a very dry manner, over text, and blocked him immediately after.
However, I did improve with my last boyfriend. I broke up with him as soon as I decided that I don’t want to date him anymore. I wrote him an entire letter explaining why we are not meant to be together. Cancelled our vacation to the ocean so I wouldn’t waste his time. Took him to a park. And broke up with him by listing all the reasons (well only the ones that wouldn’t offend him) why we should not be together. That was my best breakup ever and we are still friends.
Based on that breakup I want to give you some advice on how to break up properly.
Before the breakup:
1. Pros and Cons
Before breaking up list the pros and cons of your relationship. See why it might be worth staying or leaving. If you see that there are more cons, well I think we both know what that means. Later we are going to use that list to put together your “Break up letter”.
2. Do it as soon as you can
When you start feeling like something is off it probably is. And that is okay. The important thing here is, to be honest with yourself. Admit that you don’t want to be with this person (for whatever reason) and go in for the kill. The sooner you do it the better it will be for both of you.
Even if you have a trip planned out, like my vacation with my ex, cancel it. Don’t go. Give your tickets to someone else. Think about it: Would you rather go on this trip and feel miserable near your partner because you want to break up with them OR break up with them, skip the trip and actually enjoy yourself?
Also remember, if anything happens to them after you break up and they start blaming you know that it is not your fault. You are not responsible for other people’s emotions and actions.
3. Be brave
It will be hard but sometimes we have to do what needs to be done. You already did your pros and cons list. You already know that this relationship is not worth it. Both of you will be better off going solo. Be the adult and do what is right.
4. Be prepared
Have a plan. Figure out what to say and WRITE IT DOWN. That will be your “break up letter”.
The “break up letter”:
Here are the things you want to write down before going to break up with your partner. You will read this letter in person when you meet them for “the talk”. Make sure to meet them in a “low commitment” place like a coffee shop or a park because you want to be able to walk away right after you are done. Another advantage to choosing a public place so that there it is safer for you in case things will get heated.
1. Announce that you want to break up with them
Don’t keep a poor soul waiting. Tell them exactly why you have invited them to talk. “Listen, I think we have to break up…” And ask them to listen to you without interrupting because you have analyzed the whole thing and came to such a difficult conclusion.
Some people might disagree with me here and say “Break up is a decision of both parties” to which I answer with the following: You cannot make anyone do what they don’t want to do. So even if one party will persuade another to stay it is still going to be an unhappy relationship.
Maybe only couples counselling might help but only on a condition that both parties are willing to put in the effort. So if you have decided to break up you are doing so for valid reasons and it is very unlikely that your partner can change how you feel about them.
2. Start with something nice
We have to set the proper tone. If you want the breakup to go smoothly don’t attack them with “you are like the, you are like that”. Compliment them first. Tell them how much you enjoyed spending time together (even if you have to lie). Mention that you appreciate them for being amazing partner. Bring up some of their positive qualities.
Basically, tell them about all the pros of your relationship. “You are so sweet, nice” bla bla bla
3. Give them reasons why you have to break up
“You are sweet, nice, but I think we have to break up and I have good reasons for that…”
You have done your pros and cons list so now just explain the cons to them. People need to understand stuff to be at peace. CLOSURE. If you are not going to explain to them the exact reasons why you decided to break up with them, they are A) going to take the breakup much harder and B) going to think that you are acting irrationally. So, make sure you explain.
Another important thing here is not to make it personal, meaning no attacks on their personality. E.g., Instead of “You never help me do the dishes” allude to something bigger like “We have different understandings of roles in our relationship”.
Such an approach will make sure they are not offended but still understand why you don’t want to date them. Always talk about the bigger things, and never accuse them of anything. It is the life that is at the fault of your breakup, not them. A bit like a “It’s not you, it’s me” scenario.
Even if you feel like you have to tell them how nasty their car is so that they become a better person, DON’T. It is not your job to educate them. You are done with them. It is not your problem anymore.
4. End the letter on a positive note
Remember, we are still writing the letter and then reading it out to them in a park.
Express gratitude for the time you got to spend together with them. Make them feel important by saying something like “I never had such a good girlfriend as you are”, “I feel lucky to know you”. Something to stroke their ego.
Wish them all the best in their future. Wish all their dreams come true. Make it sweet.
Make sure NOT TO say “we can still be friends” unless you are absolutely sure of that. Because some will actually expect you to be their friend. After I broke up with my last ex he said that he would like to stay friends, out of politeness I say “yes, of course”. He kept calling me expecting to help him with stuff like family issues, depression and so on. Of course, I helped, but only out of politeness and not because I cared about him as a genuine friend would. So be careful.
Now what comes after you read them this letter:
1. Listen to them
Hopefully, they were listening to you while you were reading this letter and now it is your turn to do so. They might be rude. They might be mad. Expect the worst, hope for the best.
Just listen. You don’t have to agree with everything. Most luckily you will disagree with everything but keep it to yourself. Don’t argue.
They are not your problem anymore.
2. Thank them and move on.
After you had “the talk” make sure that it is final, there are no more questions or confusion. If it is all good leave. There is no reason for you to stay after you have broken up with this person so go do something fun with your friends or if you need some time alone go do that.
Also, I would advise against contacting your ex the first few weeks after the breakup or responding to them if they want to contact you. Even if you are reaching out to see how they are doing with the best intentions it still might hurt them so be careful. They are big babies. They will get over it. Again, NOT your problem anymore. I know it sounds harsh, but that is the best way to go about it.
Of course, if they are calling you and threatening to kill themselves because you broke up with them freaking pick up and call 911 (had that happen to me once). But this is an extreme case that is unlikely to happen. Yet, if it does don’t take it personally, call 911, make sure they are okay and move on.
In conclusion:
1. You have to make a list of pros and cons. Decided if you want to break up with them and why.
2. Write the letter.
3. Read them the letter.
4. Listen and move on.
Again, breaking up is hard and terrifying but sometimes it is the best thing you can do in a situation. Understand that and go for it. Life happens. You got it!
