How to Calm Anxiety When Using Dating Apps
Lessons learned from a negligent user.
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Dating is supposed to be, and often is, fun. But to get to the in-person dating stage, a-lot of background noise, requirements, and entry barriers often come first. Most notably: dating apps.
This summer, it’ll be 5 years since I was on dating apps, plural. As an socially anxious introvert who lived in a small town, dating apps were really all I had to meet someone, anyone, outside of my already small circle.
Research shows dating apps, when compared to “traditional” dating, lead to a higher level of anxiety. So as I blindly headed into them with near-complete disregard for my already prevalent anxiety, it’s no wonder I struggled.
I had little to no boundaries, no expectations set, carried an immense amount of guilt and used them with little to no awareness about my anxiety or how to protect it from the effects of them. And though I found my now partner on them, I would change nearly every way I used them if I were to ever repeat it (though as I’m happily partnered, I’m hoping I don’t!).
Take this article as a fast-track to prevent yourself from going through all the mistakes I made.
Prepare a checklist for the type of person you’re looking for
I had a relatively rough idea of this. I wanted someone homey, far from the ‘going out’ lifestyle. Someone who was ambitious, had deep values and who truly wanted a long-term relationship. Aside from that, I thought I was open. But I actually wasn’t — I just hadn’t taken the time to prepare myself.
I wish I’d gone into dating apps almost with a plan, a strategy. A list of who I was looking for, what my non-negotiable were, and what I was willing to compromise on. Without this, I opened myself up to anything and anyone. While this quickly helped me refine what I was and wasn’t looking for, it was the entirely wrong way to go about it. I swiped with increasingly less hope, despite not being clear with myself on what I was hoping to find.
Going into dating apps with a near-concrete idea of what you’re looking for will narrow down your search, lessening the chance of overwhelm subsequent heightened anxiety. It’s your way of setting boundaries for the you of now, while protecting the you of the future.
Be extremely selective with matching
Oh, how I wish I’d done this.
In the few months I was on dating apps, I’m actually ashamed to say I ended up with 1000+ matches. It was honestly horrific. I was so genuinely angry with myself that I’d let it happen that I deleted the whole thing and started afresh with a different mindset (how I found my now partner) — using all the points I’m outlining in this post to prevent a repeat.
The sheer amount of option, yet still feeling as though none of them were suitable, was terrible for my anxiety.
So, instead of mindless and impatient swiping, take your time and take it slow. Let yourself go into their profiles, read their bios, see whether you like more than one or two things about them, and then consider whether you’d like to have an actual conversation with them.
While matching someone may give you an instant validation hit, if you can’t see yourself dating them, they aren’t worth taking your attention away from those who are better suited for you but are hid amongst the numbers.
Listen to your instinct
Anyone with anxiety is learning to listen to, or simply knows, their triggers. You know the early warning signs, the rising, the building. Already being aware that dating apps trigger anxiety gives you an upper hand on how to protect yourself while using them.
If something within you is telling you something doesn’t feel right, or is off, or just simply isn’t what you need or want it to be, listen to yourself. Forget what anyone else says, their judgement or opinion, and listen to you. If something is triggering your anxiety, despite how surface, or right, or good it may look or feel, do whatever you need to do in that situation to remove yourself from it.
You don’t need to second guess, waste anymore time or trigger anything else within you to take action. If your instinct is telling you something, listen to and honour it.
Monitor your anxiety — both into each person and into the collective
Too much time or energy invested into them when you’re already anxious is only going to make it heighten.
For me, I found the amount of matches, and being matched to those who I was clearly ill-suited, massively triggering. I would open the app thinking I knew what I was looking for, yet feel overwhelmed by the noise and continue the search for what was likely already sat lost among my matches. I’d somehow let it get out of control, while it was entirely in my control, and felt terrible for having such a lack of regard.
It may help to assess what triggers your anxiety while using dating apps them so you can manage or avoid it. Whether it’s being on the app for too long, being on too many apps, talking to too many people at once, or taking conversations off the app — figure out what it is specifically about using dating apps that triggers it for you and do whatever you need to do to protect yourself.
Use them when you’re in the right frame of mind
It’s what you’re on dating apps for — to find someone who likes you too — so when it’s reciprocated, it’s tempting to chase that same, albeit small, high, over and over. And we’ve all been guilty of it. I certainly was.
I was fresh out of being *dumped* twice by the same guy; vulnerable, and desperately wanting to feel wanted. It worked for a while, until it didn’t. Until it was making me feel worse than I did initially — the short-lived highs spiralling into longer-lasting lows.
That’s to say — use the apps when you’re in the right mindset to do so. Not when you’re chasing validation, or not able to show up with logical thoughts, or rational thinking. And certainly not when you know it’s only going to exacerbate any anxiety.
Un-match if something feels off
Whether it’s something in their profile, picture, words or actions — if something with someone feels off, or is triggering you in any way, unmatch them. Regardless of what they may look like, how many of their points tick your boxes or how on a surface level they may seem right for you. If something is making you anxious about them, unmatch them.
It may only be a word, a phrase, a way they propose something, one of their interests, anything. But if you feel an anxious twinge — savour your time, your emotional expenditure, and unmatch them.
Remind yourself you don’t owe anything to anyone
Dating with anxiety, whether on apps or in person, means you have to be incredibly selfish. You have to think of you, because the alternative is destructive. And there’s honestly nothing wrong with this — with being selfish. Know that all you’re doing is protecting yourself, prioritising your mind, and acknowledging what’s right for you.
So if you need to unmatch someone, stop talking to them, take a break, delete the app — anything — that you feel you need, or is right for you at that time, then do it, without apology. Because there’s no-one on a dating app that you owe anything to.
The only person you have to answer to is yourself. So any anxiety-inducing expectations you’ve placed upon yourself, perhaps of what you’d gain from them, what you’d like to feel, who you’d like to meet — you’re allowed to break them down at any time and serve yourself first.
Dating apps are truly, unbelievably, overwhelming for anyone, let alone someone with anxiety. Take it from someone who neglected theirs for so long — if I knew then, what I know now, it’d have been a completely different experience.
Once you start to really assess dating apps, what you’re using them for, what you want out of them (or who), and begin to take the pressure off yourself using them, your anxiety will thank you.
