How to Experience Peace in Your Relationships
You have to want it, create it, and spread it.
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PHIL: What we have been doing since the beginning of our blogs is to describe the nature of our relationship.
A long time ago, my sister said “Oh, that’s very nice for you guys…” as if it was some luck of the draw. Such a blessing is true, but it is also something that we actively make happen, and the luck is that we both want this kind of relationship. We try to describe it in as much detail as possible so that our readers can reframe their ideas about how to relate.
When I ask myself what makes this so good, the word “peace” comes to mind.
One source of peace comes from the knowledge that we are always on the same side. You might think that we would sometimes tussle on which way to go, how to spend (or not spend) money, or any of the hundreds of things that people clash over, but we don’t.
Think of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. Let’s group them into physical, social, and self; for a satisfying life, people need all three. The social need is to feel connected to others, and that connection is strongest in close relationships. That is what our relationship provides for me, and it is not at odds with the other needs. My physical needs are made easier by being in a partnership, and my self-actualization needs are not in conflict with the relationship because we practice total acceptance — we recognize each other as independent people, and we move through the world both together and separately.
The knowledge of being on the same side can be a sense and is also boosted by experience. Maybe you meet someone and get a good vibe from them; maybe you see over time how they behave. Whatever the route, it creates a sense of comfort, a sense of ease, a sense of security, a sense of trust.
To maintain it, always assume the best of the other person. Don’t take it as a hostile attack; take it as the result of a different perception or a splitting headache. Stay in touch with that social need.
Let me offer an example. Maude had returned from grocery shopping and called me for help carrying it in. She opened the trunk and there were four heavy bags there, so I took two in each hand, but couldn’t reach up to close the trunk. I assumed Maude would close it, just as I had asked her on previous occasions, but she was bringing other things in from the car and didn’t see it left open. Hours later, when Maude discovered it was still open, she closed it. End of story; no blame, no recrimination, no analysis of whose fault it was.
That’s a trivial event, but it illustrates the point that if you want a peaceful relationship, just stay peaceful. Does this peace exist within yourself or within the relationship? Both, surely; they feed each other; yet I cannot imagine a peaceful relationship where the participants are not peaceful. So find peace within yourself and spread it in the world.
MAUDE: We’ve been talking about our basic reason for writing this blog, which is supporting people to spread peace one relationship at a time. We decided to take a fresh look at peaceful relationships in our experience, including, of course, our own.
I have found that the most important element to creating and maintaining such relationships is that both people share peace as a central Core Value. I do not mean having thoughts of peace in some theoretical sense. I mean being dedicated to building the experience of peace within your shared interactions.
It is such a life treasure when you weave and build relationships where peace, between you and within each of you, is a living part of how you are with each other. This can occur when neither of you is looking for power, being right, or remaking the other in their own image! In such an exchange, you actually bring out this experience for each other, and it carries over into how you live, and how you make decisions.
How can you create these kinds of connections?
For Phil and I, and in all of my intimate relationships, there are basic elements that are present. The first step is building trust and expressing love through the exchanges. In order to develop a sense of trust in each other, you have to take the time to get to know each other; be interested, pay attention, listen (really listen and hear what the other person is saying), communicate how you feel and share who you are.
These require you to be present and available to the other. As trust develops over time, you come to know through actions and words that you are safe with this person. There will be no attacks, no attempts to alter you, nor actions that leave you feeling that you have to defend yourself from the other person. There is no pulling away or abandonment in this kind of relating, as it is so much deeper and based on core realities and those ever-important true values. And it is thereby so much more attractive.
Honesty reverberates in your connection, and it becomes a joyful exchange that offers support and appreciation for who each of you are. You are on the same side while being different and unique, and yet the same in your primary values.
The strength that you receive from relationships like this is immeasurable. They become the cornerstones of your life. Once you experience peace in this way as a visceral reality, you know where True North is, and you can select and move toward this in your life and your connections. When old habits, fear, or acting unconsciously rear their head, they are quickly banished for the far more attractive experience of life in peace.
I am describing realities in my life; my life with Phil, my deep friendships and evolving connections. Phil and I have been together several decades now, and this has never wavered. This experience of peace is real, and once the shared knowledge of this way of being with one another is learned, it grows ever deeper and more powerful.
As we learn to be with each other in peace, we can carry it forward to others who are a little more distant from us, and it can spread from one person to another over ever-widening circles. This is how we spread peace one relationship at a time. Not only do we declare world peace, but we live it!
Photo credit: Phil Mayes
Photo note: Stone seen in Alice Keck Park Gardens
Originally published at https://philandmaude.com on August 25, 2024.
