How to Receive Authentic Love
Using the 5 love languages.
We live in an era where people want to be loved, yet don’t know how to show it correctly to others. The lack of feeling validated and loved can happen in both friendships and relationships because of the miscommunication of each other’s love language. We don’t interrupt love in the same way which is why it’s essential to know someone’s love language to be appreciated and loved back.
We tend to focus on either receiving or giving love instead of finding a healthy balance. When I first discovered the 5 love languages in my psychology course, I made it my mission to figure out all of my friend’s love languages. Knowing their love language help me obtain that balance and it improved all of my relationships. In that journey, I was loved back and learned the do’s and don’ts that people can do based on every love language.
Words of Affirmation
The person who scores the highest in words of affirmation feels most appreciated when they are reminded of why they are loved by being complemented or uplifted with encouraging and loving spoken or written words. Don’t interrupt this person as needy, instead try to understand that they need to hear or read why they are valued, cared for, and loved to feel affirmed in the relationship.
People whose love language is words of affirmation hold a lot of value to words which means both positive and negative words can heavily impact them. People with this love language don’t always enjoy the cheesy compliments because it’s much more rooted than that. Words are more meaningful when they are heartfelt and genuinely catered towards them.
Do:
- Tell them you love them
- Remind them of what makes them special
- Show appreciation for things they do for you
- Take time to thank them
- Tell them you’re proud of them
- Compliment their looks
- Express how you loved something they did
- Say the little things you love about them
- Write affirmations on sticky notes
- Write them a love letter or read it to them
Don’t:
Fail to show this person how much you love them because words aren’t your thing. Try alternative methods like writing them down. What truly matters is that you express your love for them in a way that feels authentic to you. Remember to be mindful and careful with your words towards them.
Having been in a relationship with someone who didn’t meet my words of affirmation needs made me feel very unloved, unappreciated, and unhappy. It is very important to communicate what your love language needs are to have a successful relationship. I have the second-highest score in words of affirmation so being told why someone adores you feels incredibly nice. Sometimes words are just as impactful and meaningful as actions.
Acts of Service
Someone who scores the highest in acts of service appreciates when someone offers or does a task to relieve stress off them without asking. This isn’t a person who has high expectations and demands to have tasks done for them, it’s someone who feels the most loved when someone does small gestures to care for them.
The act of being helpful and caring with actions speaks volumes to the person whose primary love language is acts of service. Being supportive and taking initiative to lend a helping hand demonstrates to them how much you love them. They value the time you devote to do something for them, which makes them feel like they can count on you and build trust within the relationship.
Do:
- Help them with an upcoming project
- Offer to run some errands for them
- Take care of them when they are sick
- Take care of the family to give them a break
- Tidy up without being asked
- Do some chores they don’t enjoy doing for them
- Help cook dinner or clean up afterward
- Plan an activity they’ve been wanting to do
- Be there for them for an important call or appointment
- Offer them the last piece of food
- Help them complete an important form
Don’t:
Feel like the acts of service language is doing chores for a person. Focus on tasks that you feel you’d like to do for someone the most. Don’t view it as a to-do list, instead, pick one act to do at a spontaneous time. The core of this love language is that these actions make the person feel cared for, appreciated, and deeply loved.
I never understood the acts of service love language until I noticed many of my friend’s primary love language was this one. I used to think my friends didn’t believe I was capable of doing things on my own until I realized they were just trying to show me they loved me with their love language. Those relationships improved significantly when I picked up on those actions and began doing gestures for them in return.
Quality Time
The person whose primary love language is quality time feels the most loved when they get your uninterrupted attention when spending time with you. Don’t mistake this person as needy or possessive. Try to see that they are genuinely fond of your company. Time alone can allow two people to deepen the relationship and truly get to know each other.
Spending dedicated time with someone while talking or doing an activity is extremely fulfilling for someone whose highest score is quality time. Making time to see them when life can get so busy makes them feel loved and valued. This time needs to feel special with very minimal technological distractions because it makes them feel more connected with you in the relationship.
Do:
- Make plans with them regularly
- Prepare an activity that they enjoy doing
- Engage and listen to the conversation
- Show interest in the time spent together
- Maintain good eye contact with them
- Plan a road trip together
- Take time out of your day to talk to them
- Let them know if you’ll be very busy when needed
- Plan a spontaneous activity to try together
- Come up with a list of questions to deepen the relationship
Don’t:
Cancel or add people to plans you have together. This can cause the person to feel hurt and not valued. Constantly checking your phone can make them feel less of a priority especially if you’ve both scheduled this time together. It’s important to remember that a person with their main love language being quality time holds high value to one-one time spent together.
As someone whose primary love language is quality time, I understand the importance of spending time together and how much meaning it holds. When someone is making the effort to see you and honoring your time together, it makes the person feel extremely loved. It truly uplifts the relationship when that need for each other’s company is met.
Physical Touch
Someone whose primary love language is physical touch deeply admires the shown signs of affection towards them. This love language isn’t just about satisfying sensual needs but it focuses on the desire to feel safe and shown affection. They may feel more comfortable showing affection in public and may view it as important to them.
Showing physical affection can validate a person with a high score in physical touch because it demonstrates your love and attraction towards them. Using body language creates intimacy deepening the relationship. They feel most loved when sharing touches like cuddling, holding hands, or sharing a hug.
Do:
- Sit next to them at dinner
- Lean your head on their shoulder
- Place a hand on their back if they’re having a hard day
- Offer a back massage when their shoulders or back hurt
- Hold their hand when the timing is right
- Run your fingers through their hair if they like that
- Share a warm tight hug
- Share a dance
- Make time for cuddling
Don’t:
Push them off if they try to hold your hand in public. Instead, have an honest conversation about showing physical affection at each other’s comfort level. Not everyone will want physical touch at all times so it’s important to honor consent and be aware of what is and isn’t okay to do.
Physical touch can be displayed in several ways that don’t have to push your boundaries. Someone with physical touch as their primary love language longs for closeness and affection. As someone who doesn’t enjoy receiving physical touch, I understand the anxiety that can arise when things seem to be moving too quickly or having to show public displays of affection, so it’s essential to discuss that as well.
Receiving Gifts
A person who scores the highest in receiving gifts feels most loved when shown appreciation and admiration through gifts that hold sentimental value to them. Don’t label this person as materialistic as the act of receiving holds more value to them than the gift itself. The reasoning for receiving plays an important role as to why they feel most loved when given a present.
Gifts represent a token of your love for them, especially if a lot of thought was put into choosing the present. If the gift is spontaneous or picked up last minute, it demonstrates to them that you were thinking of them which makes it much more meaningful. Those gifts don’t have to be expensive purchases, they mostly represent reminders to them as to why they are loved by you.
Do:
- Buy them their favorite snack
- Treat them with their favorite meal or drink
- Pick up something that reminds you of them
- Buy them meaningful gifts for special occasions
- Make them a scrapbook
- Gift them a self-care basket
- Gift them something that smells like you
- Offer to buy lunch or coffee from time to time
Don’t:
Forget to get them a birthday or anniversary present as failing to do so can make them feel hurt and unappreciated. A person whose primary love language is receiving gifts isn’t concerned about how expensive a gift is but instead how much thought you’ve put into it.
A person with this love language usually is a great gift-giver and might express disappointment when they don’t receive a thoughtful present in return. As someone whose third highest score is this one, the feeling of not receiving a gift on special occasions makes us feel unloved and not worth the time of a thoughtful gift. Sometimes people need tangible presents to feel loved and valued in a relationship.
The five love languages are psychologically proven to improve your relationships. The 5 love languages create a different form of communication that speaks directly to someone’s way of feeling the most loved. Although doing kind gestures for someone based on their love language may grow a profound affection towards you, it’s also vital that they are aware of your love language as well to obtain a healthy balance.
The creator and #1 New York Best Seller of The 5 Love Languages, Dr. Gary Chapman, who had many years of counseling marriages, continues to help many lessen arguments and make improvements in a relationship with the 5 love languages. You can learn your love language and others by taking the quiz here.
The biggest mistake that people make when knowing someone’s love language is solely focusing on their highest scoring love language. Take a close look at how far apart the scores are from each other. I recommended focusing on the top two or three highest scores. Knowing your friends' or partners’ love language can improve a relationship and help fix any lack of appreciation, value, and love either person may be feeling. It can also teach you what can hurt your friend or partner so it’s crucial to communicate which love language they need to be shown the most.
