How Do You Get Over Someone?

When the relationship is over but you are not…

1. Reframe the narrative we tell ourselves

When a relationship does not end in the way we expect, we tend to perceive it as a loss. Loss of the person we very much love. Loss of the time and energy invested. This perception needs to be carefully assessed and self-confirmed before we assign any emotional response to the circumstance. In another word, do not rush to be sad over things before we examine its actual impact on our lives.

Life happens and we cannot tell whether it is a loss or a win until a future series of events unfolding themselves. I call suffering when we are not able to understand why things happen in a certain way is “immature suffering”. It is one of the most psychological cruel tortures you can do to your-beautiful-self. This is because of the huge difference between how life actually is and how we think it should be.

Do not resist what has already happened on the outside. Instead, pay attention inward and internalise events in a way that benefits us emotionally. Since we are in an emotional rut, tackle this huge hurdle first. Then move on to the next step, which is being practical, working on, investing in ourselves. (Like in combat, it is important that you prioritise and execute)

Work on a narrative that makes it easy for you to accept the reality. For example, “This relationship is not meant to work out, it’s meant to teach and prepare me for the next relationship. It is my responsibility to figure out the lesson and reinforce the self-practice”

Alternatively, you can think of the best and the worst case scenarios and ask the question “So what?”.

Best case scenario, the one that our mind always deceive us:

“I will be happy with that person.”

“So what?” (Counter Thinking): I want you to think further than that, expand your perspectives. Being happy with someone is not a destination and there is no such thing as constant happiness. Serious work needs to be done to sustain the well-deserved happiness and we need a partner who is willing to put in the work.

Worst case scenario:

NONE. What is the worst that can happen, really? That you just do yourself a favour and take one step closer to the next wonderful human being?

2. Kill the expectation

There are two types of expectation here: expectation for the outcome of the relationship and expectation for the other person. We should have none for both.

Why?

Because expectations increase the intensity of disappointment.

Because expecting the outcome before it happens means that we come from a place of “lack”. All you need to do is trust the process. The best possible outcome will happen eventually, you just cannot tell with whom. Be comfortable with the UNKNOWN.

Because it is unfair for the other person. He/She can never live up to the ideal version you expect them to be.

Expectation is the false reality you create, which leaves a gap that can hardly be fulfilled. You can totally have expectations for yourself, but external events or anyone else.

3. Invest in yourself

People promote “self-love” in a rather biased way, which is to be compassionate with yourself. We also need to be objective and critical to see things as they are.

Often, it is difficult for us to get over someone because the person can provide us with certain values we need but not able to self-provide. FIND OUT WHAT IT IS AND GIVE YOURSELF THAT. When you become self-sufficient, no external loss is a loss.

This is the time you can discover what makes you feel whole on your own. What activity you enjoy doing. What makes you feel fulfilled. Pay attention to details and fill your life with things and people that bring joy. Make a list of them and go back to these pages whenever you feel sad or miss someone to the extent you think you will just explode.

Register that course which you always want to but have not. Do that activity. Hang out with that person. Do one new thing everyday. After a few weeks or months, you will be surprised by the person you have become.

YOU CANNOT CHANGE NO ONE BUT YOU CAN ALWAYS REPLACE THEM

Activity I enjoy:

Workout with loud music (say affirmation for every rep: “I am joy” “I am powerful” “I am abundance” or whatever you feel like in that moment)

Play Pool

Write

Go to antique bookstore

Chill on the beach (put on the headphone, deep house music and dance in the ocean)

Youtube channel I enjoy:

Great Meditation

Women of Impact

Krissy Cela

Gainbybrain

The School of Life

Rammor

Newsletter I enjoy:

Esther Perel

Brain Pickings by Maria Popova

Tim Ferriss — 5 Bullet Friday

Joe Dispenza

Jame Clears

Aubrey Marcus

Ben Greenfield

Podcast I enjoy:

The Mindset Mentor

Love Life with Matthew Hussey

The Diary of A CEO by Steven Barlett

Women of Impact

The School of Greatness

On Purpose with Jay Shetty

4. Honour your feeling

Alway remember that it is okay to miss/ love someone but still work on the progress of healing. No matter how slow it is.

Always remember that it is okay to feel like your heart sunk into the bottom of your stomach when your ex gets over so soon, too soon.

Always remember that it is okay to feel sad, frustrated, jealous and deep in despair.

“Nobody will protect you from your suffering. You can’t cry it away or eat it away or starve it away or walk it away or punch it away or even therapy it away. It’s just there, and you have to survive it…You have to live through it and love it”

• Cheryl Strayed

You have to feel it since the only way to be over is through.