Hello, Love
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Hello, Love

How to Stop Fighting Over Trivialities

Less fighting and more fun.

Have you ever had a fight over something seemingly trivial?

A fight over where to eat?

A fight over something that was forgotten?

In our relationships, we often find that small things can trigger big reactions. Instead of dismissing that and trying to avoid it, let’s explore why this is the case.

Feelings come from inside

“You made me angry!” is a statement of blame coming from misunderstanding. Though it may appear that something someone does makes us feel something, in reality, we can only feel something if the seed of that feeling is already within us.

Under certain conditions, the seed may grow into an emotional reaction and bitter words. All of us have the seed of every emotion within us. If we ignore the emotional reactions and the seeds from which they come, the cycle of fighting over trivialities will continue to drive a wedge in our relationships. If on the other hand, we are willing to look at the reactions and come to understand their source, our relationships will blossom like never before.

So what is the seed of the negative emotions which lead to a fight?

Although there are seemingly different negative emotions, all of them are interwoven and their source is the same. The first thing to recognise is that the source is within not without. There is no one to blame for anything we ever feel.

No one means not anyone — not you or your partner. The feeling is merely an expression of something that has been held within. There is no need to blame anyone.

If a plant in the garden is not growing well, we do not blame it. Instead, we look at the plant and understand what it needs. Then we give it what it needs to grow and it blossoms. Blaming it for not growing would be absurd; if it could grow it would grow. Instead of blame, we understand and change the environmental factors which contribute to the growth of the plant.

It is the exact same with people. Blame is one of the factors that stagnates growth — it doesn’t help anyone. So instead, let us understand where the negative feelings that can stir up a fight come from.

Unmet Expectations

Every triviality that leads to a fight has something in common. Though the details of the circumstance may differ, each represents some form of an unmet expectation.

Some core expectations in relationships are:

  1. Expecting approval.
  2. Expecting appreciation.
  3. Expecting love.

If you have a look at any of the events that led to a fight, you will find that there is almost always one of these unmet expectations involved.

Although the event may seem trivial, in actuality, the emotional reaction is not to the event but rather, to the deeper unmet expectation.

The event merely acts as a trigger of the deeper desires we hold within ourselves.

When your partner doesn’t notice your haircut, it’s not really the haircut that you care about but rather, the appreciation which is expressed through the act of noticing a new haircut.

So them not noticing your haircut is really perceived as them not appreciating you.

At the same time, those trivialities trigger the deeper parts within us which didn’t feel appreciated, seen, or loved growing up.

All these bottled up and unwelcomed feelings suddenly arise and blame is projected onto the partner. However, in reality, the intensity of emotions being felt is not due to the partner but rather, it is the accumulation of all those times where you felt unappreciated, ignored, and unloved.

Those feelings have already been within. Now that they are arising, they can be dealt with and allowed to pass for good. So really, our partner has helped us become aware of how much hurt and negativity we have held onto within ourselves.

They are our friend who is inviting us to have the courage to face what we haven’t faced, let go, and be happy.

Will we continue to try to distract ourselves, run, and blame life for what we feel inside? Or will we welcome the feelings and set them free once and for all?

Releasing Expectation

When we notice an upset stirred up by something our partner said, did, or something we felt, we then have a choice.

Do we retaliatte and attack them? Do we try defend ourselves? Or do we look deeply into the nature of the upset and see where it is coming from?

First, it always helps to welcome what we feel. One way to do this is to place the hand on the heart and smile with the feeling. Breathing in, taking a moment to pause, and smiling with the feeling starts to releive it very fast. As some extra support, a simple question can be asked:

“Am I aware of this feeling?”

This question points to the recognition that you are aware of the feeling; you are not the feeling. Often we act as though we are the feeling or we are the victim of the feeling. Instead, we could simply notice that we are aware of a feeling. Without judgement. Without trying to push anything away. Just simply being aware. This is a powerful recognition that alone can disolve any feeling.

On top of this, the question can be asked:

“Could this feeling be welcomed now?”

It is fighting and wanting to control the feeling that makes it so agitating and upsetting. If a feeling is allowed to be, it has no power over you. It is like a cloud in the sky. The sky is not touched by the feeling. Neither are you truly touched by a feeling. It seems like you are because you try to change, control, and fight it. So as an experiemnt, what if you were to drop all that and simply let it be. What would happen?

These simple steps can release any negative feeling. The key is to ask from your heart not your head. The mind gives all sorts of answers and the last thing it wants is to let go. But you are not the mind. You are not the thoughts. You are not the “no” which you will undoubtely hear at some point as you ask these questions. You’ll find that the mind likes to say “no” to things like a demanding child that wants its way. We all carry that inner demanding child and this is just something else to welcome and love.

As you ask sincerely and answer honestly, you’ll discover the resistance which you carry within. This is just something else to welcome and let go.

On top of these questions, as there is some deeper calm, it can be helpful to recognise the inner expectations from which the frustrations arose.

Ask yourself this:

“Are you wanting love from your partner?”

Feeling into the answer, you can sense the desire for love which we all carry. This desire for love attaches itself to different people in our lives. Importantly, so long as it is held onto, it will always feel like love is limited and finite. It will feel like there isn’t enough love and you need more.

But isn’t that just an idea? Isn’t that just a feeling?

If you are will to let go of wanting love, then you can discover that love is your very nature. It is in abundance and always available. The less you want it, the more you are aware of loves presence.

When you let go of wanting love, you are also letting go of the feeling of not having enough love. Wanting and not enough are two sides of the same coin. Letting go of one is aso letting go of the other.

So would you rather feel like you lack love or like there is an abundance of love always available?

If you’d like the latter, then could you let go of wanting love?

By letting go of wanting love, you are letting go of the obstacle to experiencing love. You are not letting go of love, but rather, non-love. The mind would trick you and have you believe that in letting go of wanting love, you will not have love. The experiential truth is the opposite.

This is how the mind works, it often flips things into it’s opposite and then we innoccently believe the thoughts and ideas that pop up.

The same process can be applied to the other two expectations or wants: approval and appreciation. Again, wanting approval and appreciation is not the same as actually experiencing approval and appreciation.

A blossoming relationship

As you welcome, explore, and release the inner expectations and wants, you will find that you want less from your partner and see more of what they are already giving you.

Moreover, you’ll find that your partner is more likely to do the things you once wanted them to do because they feel the freedom which you have granted them in your mind.

Just think about how you feel when you know someone wants something from you — we can all feel it. Then compare that to when someone allows you to be as you are. When we feel free, we are more happy to give back out of our own genoristy — we all have an incdreible amount of genorisity within us which we can culitvate every day and watch grow.

Lastly, you don’t even have to wait to see your partner in order to transform the relationship. As you let go of your inner wants and allow yourself to feel whole now, your relationship transforms. As you change how you see your partner within your mind, they are going to treat you differently; the easiest way to change someone is to change the way you see them.

If you’d like any support with this, your welcome to have a chat here. May you have prosperous and loving relationships!

Sincerely,

Nick

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Love changes us. Love makes us human.

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Nick Shibanov

Nick Shibanov

Open deeply to seeing the generosity of life | Heart of Abundance Free Mini-Course → https://nickshibanov.aweb.page/p/e5db23be-b9af-4f80-b489-d5ac5d4f6a63

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