How women can get what they want in relationships
(This is an article for men)
Dear women,
You try to talk to him but…
Your man feels accused.
Your man feels defensive.
Your man might even say you’re “too much.”
I know — because I was that man.
I was that man for a long time. It was frustrating, destructive, and sad.
I interpreted what my partner was saying as accusations of my character that required a loss of my freedom to resolve.
She’d try to tell me what she wanted from me, and I’d feel shut down.
It wasn’t just my failing; it takes two to tango.
There were things she could have done differently to get a better result. We both could have exercised more self-responsibility.
That’s why I’m writing this now…
If you’re a woman, this article is about how to do those things to get what you want from your partner — and make him think it’s his idea.
If you’re a man, it’s about imagining that she’s doing those things — and knowing what she actually wants — so you can be the best partner she’s ever had.
Women: Just say how you feel
If you have a good connection with a good man, that’s almost all you have to do. Just say how you feel. The conversation will unfold from there and the problem will sort itself out.
Just say how you feel.
That sounds crazy — and, indeed, I’m talking about an exceptionally skillful man — but if you come to him with a feeling first, he’ll go into problem-solving mode. You’ll have a productive conversation.
If you’re both skillful and willing, you’ll come to a place of understanding quickly.
Rather than telling him, “You didn’t call me for four days, wtf” — which is a valid thing to say — tell him you feel afraid and doubtful. He will ask you why.
Rather than asking him, “Do you like that girl from your work?” — tell him you feel sad and unsure.
Lead with the feeling
When you lead with the feeling, the depth of the situation becomes clear and it’s no longer about him. At least not to start.
When you say what you feel, you’ve got him right where you want him. If you can fill him in on the details while staying away from accusations, you’re headed toward a solution.
This is incredibly hard to do. When we’re hurting, the last thing we want is to be open with our partners. You’d likely rather throw something at his head: a coffee mug or a well-placed accusation.
But, if you’re able to lead with your emotions and the cut-and-dry facts of the situation, you’ll get a different reaction.
Men: Think of what she’s actually saying
So she starts in with “You didn’t call me for four days…”
And she’s NOT level. She’s angry. She’s not owning her emotions — and she’s being very human and messy, and making the situation all about something you did.
(And you probably did screw up, huh?)
When she says those things — what do you do?
Nothing. You do nothing.
You just sit there. You breathe for a moment and consider what’s actually going on.
Then you do this:
Consider:
What’s she feeling? Is she hurt? Afraid? Does she feel dismissed, sad, or pressured?
Let’s say she feels hurt. You’re guessing she feels hurt.
Empathize:
Connect with what it’s like to feel hurt. Go into your body and remember what that’s like. You ACTUALLY taste what she’s experiencing.
Do this BEFORE talking about what happened, or explaining why you didn’t call.
Don’t try to make her feel better; just acknowledge how she feels.
Take responsibility:
Acknowledge the specific, factual things you did that inspired her to feel this way.
If these actions (not calling her) align with larger patterns (like being distant), acknowledge that pattern.
Ask:
At this point, a lot of the intensity she came to you with is defused — and you haven’t tried to fix or change anything. But you did.
Now…
Ask how she feels.
Ask what she needs.
Hopefully, what she needs is acceptable to you.
If not, you may have to discuss what can feel good to both of you. Or split.
Regardless, the secret when a woman is upset with you is:
EMPATHY BEFORE RECONCILIATION
She doesn’t want you to pull out the arrow; she wants you to see the arrow.
If you — as the man — spend 90 seconds on empathy, you’ll be the best lover she’s ever had.
If you — as the woman — can lead with your feelings, he’ll be the best lover you’ve ever had.
