I am exhausted by strength — the life of a Single Mom
I dream of never being called resilient again in my life. I am exhausted by strength. I want support. I want softness. I want ease. I want to be amongst kin. Not patted on the back for how well I take a hit. Or for how many.
Little girls have never said “when I grow up I want to get married and have children and then raise them completely by myself”.
My journey of single momhood began in 2002 and my status went from having a nanny, housekeeper and wearing Hermes scarves to food stamps and working 6 days a week. I have never regretted my decision to break free of my children’s father. I was saving their lives and mine. But the journey is long and hard. Raising children is difficult as a team, doing it alone requires an energy that only GD and guardian angels can provide.
I vividly remember my father asking me how long I thought I would be able to sustain my rhythm of life. I didn’t know, I didn’t think about it. I was on a mission and although I felt myself become mechanical I pushed forward. Kadima — a hebrew word my father would often say to me when he saw me start to fall. Hearing “Kadima” pushed me forward to get through another day.
One day as I rushed to get things done I stopped in the middle of my staircase and I felt my soul in my gut and I look up to sky through my skylight and I pleaded with GD to help me. How was I going to survive ? I pleaded like never before with GD to help me raise my children and have the means to sustain our home. No small feat when you have nothing.
My grandmother use to say that GD gives everyone a guardian angel. I had many that helped me along the way. My parents were the pillars I constantly leaned on; they were there for me physically, emotionally and financially. They filled all the gaps. And then there were the others…the miracles that happened along the way. The mortgage broker that processed our mortgage called out of the blue and offered me a job in his office; when the mortgage industry disappeared in 2008 I coincidentally ran into an old acquaintance that just happened to have spoken to a friend that was looking for an employee — I worked there for 5 years. Year after year of miracles and coincidences that pushed me along. Despite the exhaustion, pain, disappointment, and shame associated with being a single mom, I saw the miracles and I am grateful.
I wrote the following in 2008 when I thought I couldn’t go on. The original version is in Spanish.
I have learned that even with pain in my soul, I can love and give … I have learned that love can really heal … I have learned that only by sharing can things get resolved … I have learned that even when I feel that GD is not with me, he is still by my side … I have learned that despite everything, I love GD and life… I have learned that I am a fighter and that my soul is strong… I have learned that having a grudge is useless and that forgiveness is a great gift, I always forgive because that is where the healing begins.
Aprendi que aun con el dolor mas fuerte en mi alma, puedo amar y dar…Aprendi que el amor realmente cura… Aprendi que solo compartiendo se puede solucionar cosas…Aprendi que aun cuando siento que DS no esta conmigo, igual esta a mi lado… Aprendi que a pesar de todo, amo a DS y a la vida… Aprendi que soy luchadora y que mi alma es fuerte…Aprendi que tener rencor es inútil y que perdonar es un gran regalo; siempre perdono porque por ahi empieza la curación.
To all the single Moms and Dads out there KADIMA — push forward.
