I Am Widow, Hear Me Cry

Tears keep falling — On a hike, A phone call, Even at a party

Photo by author

I was hiking with a friend the other morning, telling her how I’ve been having a rough couple of days. I’ve been sad, weepy, on edge. I’m at an age where I wonder, Is this hormonal? When I mentioned this, she laughed. She looked at me and said. “It’s grief! It just doesn’t stop or come to an end because you’re living your life.” Of course. Her response was so spot-on that I started to cry. Again. It was the second time that morning that tears poured out of my eyes… and it was only 8 a.m.

I miss my husband. I wonder where he is. I think of ways to get his attention, wishing for a sign, hoping to feel his presence. Our daughter is about to finish her first year of high school. Does he know? Has he been watching? What would he make of it — her grades, her new friends, her obsession with clothes and makeup? It’s all par for the course of a teenage girl. Which for mine, seems to overshadow even the loss of her Daddy.

I was recently going to an end of school-year party, a mini-fundraiser for my daughter’s school. It didn’t even occur to me to invite my boyfriend. Maybe because I knew he had a gig the same night, or maybe because I saw it as a school event, albeit a social one, but it was for parents and faculty, teachers who never knew Joel. Bringing…