How Secrets Make Me Feel Alive — Threesomes And Other Indiscretions
The shirt still smells of him.. her message reads “let’s do this again”
Don’t let it fool you, this story has no happy ending.. I didn’t know it yet, but that night I would lose a lover and gain a friend.
Have you ever felt like life is good, but not exciting? I have a stable job, a nice little circle of down-to-earth friends and normal hobbies — like anyone else.
BUT OH BOY DO I LOVE A VACATION FROM THAT LIFE..
When did life stop being a rollercoaster and instead became a 9–5 followed by gym, dinner and Netflix? I hate being a responsible grown-up sometimes.
Remember those wild nights? As I approach my 30s, it’s been a while since I experienced them. Going to the club isn’t the same when your friends get tired at 1 am and are more excited about wedding plans and baby showers. I’m not quite ready to embrace that part of life yet. Before settling down and starting a family, I want to live my best life and make sure I’ve truly been alive. I want to relish the freedom of not having to message a babysitter to spend a night away from home.
Coincidences aligned perfectly that night, making everything that happened occur within a single square mile.
On this particular Saturday morning, I was getting ready for the boat party a friend had organised for her birthday. (I wish we were a bunch of spoiled brats, but no, we all chipped and it came down to $50 per person.)
I was wearing a tight yellow body suit that resembled a swimsuit and was bra-less, with a low cut back, long silk pants and berry pink lipstick. On the yacht, I spotted a girl in the crowd that reminded me a bit of the person I’d very much like to be. The happy-go-lucky kind of free-spirited girl who was clearly up to no good. It turned out she was the plus-one of a guy who had hit on me the last time we all hung out a few months ago. She mixed us drinks, and it became clear that we both enjoyed each other’s uninhibitedness. Over the loud music, she told me about her recent heartbreak, and I shared with her my first time sleeping with a woman. Before we knew it, everyone was dancing as the sun set over the ocean. At some point, I noticed she had disappeared from the main deck, as had her date. Just as I was making my way towards the stairs to mix up their little rendezvous, I ran into them halfway down the steps.
The aura of two people who have just done the naughty reeks of excitement and mischief — and I wanted in. From the look I gave her, she must have read my mind, because suddenly we were discussing her latest threesome experiences. While some of my friends might have seen us getting cosy, they were all wrapped up in their own buzz and didn’t seem to think much of it.
The idea of spontaneously joining a couple on a yacht, with everyone still dancing upstairs, turned me on. Sneaking away is incredibly sexy. It feels liberating to break away from expectations and just go rogue a little, especially when nobody notices. I’m still rather new to this circle of friends, and they don’t know about my dating experiences, my thirst for adventure, or my open relationship, for that matter. To them, I’m just the sweet new girl in town who is still sorting out life on a new continent. But to her, I was something else entirely. To her, I was the wild ride we both knew we wanted.
When the boat party came to an end, most of the group was heading to an afterparty, but I had other plans. She was leaving with her date anyway, and I wasn’t ready for the night to end with just dancing.
A few weeks ago (actually just a day after I published my Houdini article ranting about dating) I met Tarzan. And he changed everything. Now, I’ve never really been into long-haired guys, and I told him as much when we first matched online. But he just laughed it off and said it was time for a haircut anyways. He even joked about it, saying “Swipes first guy with long hair — he cuts it off.” But when I met him in person, something just clicked. The first thing I said to him was? Don’t ever cut it off.
I don’t know if it was the way he styled his hair or the way his outfit complimented his fit body, but damn, he looked good. And our chemistry was off the charts. It was the kind of intense connection that took us both by surprise. We were like two magnets drawn together, unable to resist each other’s pull.
So when I got off the boat that night, I texted him. Lucky for me, he lived so close to the docks, I could practically smell his cologne from there. We met up for a quick bite to eat, and I told him all about the girl and the missed opportunity for a threesome. He was amused and turned on, but had visitors at his place so we couldn’t sneak upstairs to his flat to do anything about it.
..put two people desperate to touch each other on the spot, and they find a spot.. We ended up in his car. The underground parking had no cameras facing our way and yet we both knew getting caught was not an option. This city considers public indecency to be worthy of jail time. And whilst it would have certainly made for a great story, this is not how this particular night went down.
We were balancing the edge of the cliff for a while, both agreeing it would be a stupid idea, none of us able to stop either. When I say secrets make you feel alive, my heart was pounding..
As we both caught our breath, we couldn’t help but laugh at the absurdity of it all and yet the rush made it one of our hottest experiences. He looked at me with a sly smile and said, “Looks like you’re not the only one who can’t resist a little danger.” We locked eyes and both knew that this wouldn’t be the last time we’d be exploring the wild side together.
He had to get back to his visitors and I was too wound up to end the night just yet. A mix of adrenaline, desire, exhaustion and satisfaction was running through my veins.
I checked the group chat to see if any of the party people were still out. They didn’t make it far, they had ended up in the first beach club off the docks. I strolled over with newfound confidence, fuelled by the memory of what just happened. A secret I would only end up sharing with my best friend. On my way, I got a message from an unknown number. The cute girl from the boat had also decided to come back to join the party and was asking where I was.
Her hips swaying to the beat, I made my way over to her, feeling the electricity between us. We danced together, lost in the moment, caught up in the excitement of the night. In the early hours, my pulse wasn’t slowing but I could feel my adrenaline levelling out. This had been exactly what I needed. That little break from responsibility, just letting loose.
I had just gotten everything I was looking for, and the alcohol was starting to wear off. I got tired and ready to call it a night. But she had other plans. She invited me to crash at theirs, but I wasn’t really in the mood anymore.
I live at the other end of town and getting home would take me long enough. How convenient that theirs was merely 4 minutes walking distance away. With whatever little sense of temptation I had left, I decided I had nothing to lose. After all, it was a night of spontaneity, adventure, and desire.
When they opened the door to their apartment, I couldn’t help but laugh. From their living room window, I was looking straight at the tower my hot fling lives in. I took a picture of his balcony and sent it to him with the caption: “let’s grab breakfast, turns out I’m crashing next door.”
It was 3.30 am by the time she took her shirt off announcing: “I’m gonna sleep in my bikini tonight”. If the title wasn’t spoiler enough — she didn’t. She was naked 15 seconds later lying in the middle between her boyfriend and me. Did I say I was tired and ready to call it a night? How fast things change..
She had the most beautiful breast. The kind you can’t ignore. I wanted to touch every inch of her and kissing her only made this feeling more urgent and needy. Seeing how much we turned him on kept us going. I could have listened to her moans all night, but by 5 am, we all collapsed onto the sheets, entangled in each other’s bodies.
When I woke up that morning, he had a boner, she was winking at me and I was just wondering how I got so lucky. Nonetheless, I had plans for breakfast, so I watched them go for a round 2 whilst I was brushing my teeth with a spare toothbrush (always keep a spare!). I put yesterday’s outfit back on and closed the door behind me.
When I got home, I was still wearing the shirt my crush gave me so I wouldn’t have to sit bra-less in a party outfit at breakfast. I grabbed my bikini and left to decompress at the beach.
As I sat there alone, I realized that I had been on an emotional rollercoaster for the last 22 hours. The social high was starting to wear off, and I began to reflect on my experience. I had wanted a break from the mundane routine of life, from conformity, and I felt alive in a way I hadn’t felt in months.
My feet still in the sand, I get a message from her: “let’s do this again”. I smell his shirt and flash right back to the red leather seats in his car.
Who needs reality?
This was exactly what I had been seeking. Or was it?
Something about the intensity of that night made me wonder if maybe part of me was running away from something? I have this deep sense of missing out on life as if I haven’t truly lived unless I have a good story to show for it. But show it to whom? Nobody except for my best friend knows about my open relationship. No one at the party had any idea about the threesome. None of this is for anyone else, I’m collecting these stories to prove something to myself. But what?
That I’m free because I enjoy breaking society’s little norms? All those unspoken rules of how we ought to behave? But isn’t my need to break those rules just a different kind of confinement?
Am I free or am I merely making up for lost time? I wonder why I don’t feel alive without moments like these. I may need to explore what makes me truly happy and fulfilled. Not just chase after experiences for the sake of collecting memories. It might be time for me to redefine what freedom means to me and find a healthier balance between breaking the rules and living authentically.
The week that followed changed everything. What I thought was the beginning turned out to be the end.. but that’s a story for another day.
