I Think I Need To Break Up With Kmart

And hit the dating apps again…

Photo by Artyom Kim on Unsplash

I was having a down day, just one of those days where everyone and everything irritates you and you just feel a bit dull. Going to the shops seemed like the logical thing to do, some retail therapy never hurt anyone.

When I drove into the shopping centre carpark, which was nearly full, I realised I had made a big mistake.

I think the pre-Black Friday sales added to the seemingly overcrowded isles in every shop, plus people turn into different versions of themselves when they are bargain hunting, and not in a good way.

For example, people’s trolleys take on a life of their own, everyone talks louder, spatial awareness and respect for personal space goes out the window…need I say more? This is pretty much the norm when you go to a shopping centre these days (no wonder online shopping is so popular!) but it’s even worse around sale time.

After about an hour, which is not very long in the grand scheme of shopping time (as anyone who has gone shopping with a shopaholic will know), I came to the decision that it was time, time to go home. And when I say home, I mean go to Kmart…of course.

I hightailed it to Kmart with purpose in my back. In my mind, I remember the journey to Kmart as similar to the scene from the first Home Alone movie, when the McCallister family members are running through the airport to board the plane before it takes off!

Credit: 20th Century Fox. Home Alone family running through airport.

That might be my imagination running away with me, and I love Home Alone, but it sure as hell felt like that.

So, after surviving the treacherous journey through people sneezing (my worst nightmare), people obliviously swerving straight in front of me, clipping me with their trolley or pram as they passed by, I finally made it home…Kmart.

As I looked up, I was greeted with a big red Kmart sign above me, as though it was a beacon guiding me into the light. At this moment, it felt like I had arrived at the gates of heaven, bells ringing and all (it turns out the bell sounds were coming from the Christmas songs playing in the store).

I walked through the store entry way with a smile on my face, relieved that I had made it. I then wondered what it was about Kmart that I loved so much. The list I came up with had numerous similarities to the traits I’m looking for in a relationship…

1. It is never too hot, never too cold, always the perfect temperature (reliable and steady).
2. It doesn’t pretend to be anything that it’s not — you get what you pay for (honest and up front).
3. The staff don’t bother you, but they are there when you need them (respectful and caring).
4. You never have to wait long to be served, plus there’s plenty of self-service registers if you need it (thoughtful and aims to please).
5. It always has what you are looking for — as though it can read your mind (compatible).
6. It is always open and will not turn you away (trustworthy and loyal).

Now, I have been single for quite a while, years, and I have a love/hate (mainly hate) relationship with dating apps. At the moment they are partially deleted off my phone, easily restored with the touch of a few buttons.

In saying that, I have come to the realisation that a giant retail store has become my pseudo boyfriend, unbeknownst to them and me up until this point, and the big, bright red sign (flag) was there all along, I just wasn’t ready to see it for what it was — unrequited love.

The good thing is, I have a list of what I want now.

So, Kmart, it was great while it lasted, even if it was one sided, but we’re breaking up, and I’m going cold turkey, plus I need to go home, my actual home, and get swiping…ASAP!