Want a Relationship? Stop Online Dating
Focus on building your life, and good things will happen.
In my 34 years, I’ve had a few long-term boyfriends, one of whom I met on Tinder. So don’t get me wrong, I know that it can work. My Tinder ex was lovely — we were together for two great years, but ultimately we weren’t right for each other. This isn’t the case for everyone — I know other people who are happily married after meeting online, but if you’re reading this, then I guess you aren’t.
I’ve spent plenty of time on dating apps. Sometimes for fun and sometimes because I was looking for a relationship, but aside from that one relationship that did blossom from Tinder, everything else has basically been a lot of wasted energy spent interviewing unsuitable candidates.
At first, I liked online dating — as a person who often previously ended up in the “friend zone” with guys that I fancied, it was great to be on an app where it was clear that it was a romantic connection I was looking for. Some guys were just looking for sex, but I managed to avoid those for the most part. See how here…
But as time went on, I gradually realised that dating online wasn’t for me for a few reasons.
Firstly, because I always imagined the way the guy was going to be from his pictures and messages and inevitably, he was never quite like my imagination. That wasn’t his fault, but it always left me feeling a bit disjointed — this isn’t the person that I dreamed of. Where is the person I dreamed of?
Secondly, because most dates happen in a vacuum, you get a distorted version of the person. First dates usually take place just one on one, and you don’t see how your date interacts with the rest of the world (other than potential waiting staff — which is a good show of character). This might continue for weeks before you and your date start doing things with friends and family. It probably means that for a long time your date is going to be on their “best behaviour” (and you too) so you aren’t getting a natural view of how they really are. This leaves the potential to be disappointed down the line.
Thirdly, there is so much expectation on each date. One good date can potentially change the rest of your life. So you go in hopeful, eager — desperate even for things to work. You might end up dating someone who you know isn’t right, just on the off chance that it works out. Or you might end up scaring someone off because they sense how much you have resting on this. I know, I’ve been there.
There’s no denying that for a lot of people it’s nice to be in a happy relationship, and the whole world seems geared up for couples. However, I genuinely believe that being single is much, much better than being in an unhappy relationship. If things don’t work out with my current wonderful boyfriend of four years, I’m not likely to go looking for another. Read why here…
So if are looking for a relationship, what can you do?
Focus on doing things that make you happy. Cycling. Walking your dog. Joining some sort of club. Crafts. Writing. Traveling the world. It doesn’t matter what it is. Be brave and try new things. Build a network. Be open and say yes to things — invites, work dos, drinks with new friends. Do a new course. Learn a language and go to a language exchange. Don’t be “waiting” for a relationship before you can start living.
You never know who you might meet along the way. If you like someone, ask them out for a drink. Who cares if they say no? If that feels too direct, ask them something less direct, for example: “I’m going to go to this cool event on Saturday, do you fancy coming with me?” That way if they do say no, at least you’ve got a great plan you can do without them.
The truth is, you might not end up in a relationship, but at least you won’t have wasted hours and hours of your life on dates that you knew weren’t going anywhere 2 seconds in, and you’ll have built a community that you love being a part of in the meantime.
