Ignoring Red Flags in New Romance Will Cost You Big Time
How to avoid this terrible mistake? Listen to your gut.
My date with Y is hands down the most humiliating moment in my life (so far, at least!). Looking back, I am not surprised it happened. The signs were all there, and boy, I missed them. And I did something much worse and stupid.
Are you guilty of it too?
It all began with a swipe.
I met Y on a dating app. He had a greek-god body, had passed out of a reputed business school, and reportedly managed his own company.
Too good to be true, I thought.
We both swiped right and exchanged numbers after a few texts.
We were constantly on the phone over the next few weeks, talking about everything and nothing. And finally, we decided to meet in person.
He offered to drive down to my city, a three-hour drive from his.
I was equal measures excited and hesitant.
A few weeks before meeting Y online, I had a severe bout of adult-onset acne. And a treatment I took for it had left marks and spots on my face. My self-confidence had hit rock bottom.
I dreaded meeting him this way. I opened up about it and told him how I felt about myself. I suggested meeting when things had cleared up, and I felt better about myself.
He reassured me it was not a huge deal. He said there wasn’t anything that modern science could not cure, and I shouldn’t worry too much.
I was impressed, to be honest. He had come off as superficial on some occasions, and I had mixed feelings about him.
Now, I felt terrible for thinking those things about him.
I will soon be proven wrong.
Moment of truth and humiliation.
I still remember walking up to his car and peeping through the passenger side window. His face turned pale. He clearly did not like what he saw.
The following 2 hours would be the most awkward time I have ever experienced in my life. He hardly spoke on the drive to the restaurant and back. I could sense that he was super uncomfortable sitting next to me at the restaurant. He barely looked me in the eye the entire time.
I would have walked away from that humiliating scene if I had any self-respect. Unfortunately, I sat there, trying to make small talk, not feel small and worthless, seeking approval from this stranger.
The worst was yet to come, though. The next day, he sent text after text accusing me of doctoring my pictures to honey trap him. He called me a liar and a bloody cheat!
What on earth went wrong?!!
When the emotional drama finally settled, I looked back to see what went wrong.
It became apparent I had no self-esteem, and I needed to work on that.
I also realized that my gut was right about certain things. When things Y said set the alarm bells off, I completely ignored them. Because I didn’t want to believe he was less than perfect.
Still worse, I came up with excuses for his behavior and off-color remarks.
20/20 Hindsight
He was clearly obsessed with looks and shiny materialistic things — who has a shirtless picture as Whatsapp DP??
He constantly complimented my size. Once, he said he wished for his girlfriend to stay in perfect shape, no matter what. And he would drag me to the gym if I ever packed extra pounds.
He would subtly bring up money and possessions in most conversations — flashing how much he made.
He once said people who couldn’t afford a car shouldn’t be allowed on the road. This was after a poor, daily wage worker on a bicycle on a busy road hit his luxury car by accident.
When I called him out on this one, he dismissed it as a joke.
I should have blocked his number then and ran in the other direction.
But, I told myself I was overreacting. I thought I was over-critical. I laughed off some of his comments.
Beware the Halo
I probably suffered the ‘halo effect.’ And you could be doing that too.
We are designed to make flash decisions about everything. Thousands of years ago, while our ancestors were hunters in the savannah, this was useful. It kept them from being mauled by the saber-toothed tiger.
Our brains are not evolved to navigate today’s dating scenes.
And the first impressions we make are pretty powerful.
We often let our initial impression dictate subsequent decisions.
And our brains do not like contradictions. So, we ignore it when someone we have a good impression of does something nasty.
We even come up with explanations to explain and justify their nastiness.
How can you avoid this trap?
- If you are just getting to know a person, remain open-minded. Hold off your judgment until you have seen them under different circumstances — good and bad.
- Take your time and get to know them. Ask open-ended questions about things that you value in life. Understand what they value the most.
- What is their sales pitch? Every first encounter is a desperate attempt to impress the other person with a display of the best qualities. Y was clearly proud of his looks and placed great emphasis on material things. While this did not make him evil, it tells you what they value the most about themselves and, in turn, what they will expect from you.
- Challenge their ego and see how they respond. The simplest way to do this would be to disagree with their opinions. A well-balanced person must be able to voice their opinions and consider yours as well. How you handle your differences will determine the quality of your relationship, if it survives.
- Listen to your gut. Your gut might be paranoid and react to everything. That is alright. When the alarm bells go off, you should stop and ask why? Dig deep until you have cleared your doubts. Let the other person explain their stand. However tiny the niggle might be, follow it up.
- Never offer explanations for their behavior. Never justify their actions. Don’t convince yourself they are perfect for you. It is their actions that should convince you.
Trust me when I say trusting your gut will save you plenty of heartbreak.
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