Lessons in Love for the Idealist Twentysomethings

The twentysomething years can feel like a time of uncertainty, exploration, and novelty. Our brains do not even fully mature until we’re about 25, and during this twentysomething time period, it can feel like a lot of new things are happening to us for us to learn.

It also might seem like the choices we make now about love, do not have to really color our lives. With the shift in the marriage age, and the expansion of what partnerships mean, we have the 30s to worry about love, right? Maybe. Or maybe not.

Our 30s can feel like a pressure cooker, but our 20s are literally the defining decade to learn what adult love is like. We have this period of rapid growth in our brain as going through its final stages of maturation in the frontal lobe. And your brain is ready and eager to learn more lessons to help you become the incredible adult you will be.

We are also learning about love and relationships in a new way. No longer are our brains clouded with romantic Disney movie loves or idealized images of a perfect first partner. We are starting to experience intimacy and relationships in a more serious manner.

Photo by Michael Fenton on Unsplash

Well, here are some lessons on love for twentysomethings whether love is something you think about often or not that I’ve learned as a twentysomething after my first two heartbreaks:

1. Every relationship you have with someone else will end up being a mirror for the relationship with yourself. This also means your relationship with yourself will dictate the kind of relationships you have with others. If you have critical people around you, it is because you are typically being critical to yourself. We attract and stay with people who are familiar and remind us of ourselves. So the most important relationship to cultivate into a loving and healthy one is the relationship that you have with yourself. You accept the love you think you deserve. And what you think you deserve is based on the relationship you have with yourself.
2. Love, after the infatuation stage, is not so much an art, as it is a choice. After the honeymoon and happy dopamine and oxytocin love chemicals come into play, the hormones shed, and we see the person before us as more human. This can be great because it breeds the path for more unconditional love which will help make the relationship last. During this time and beyond, love becomes more of an active choice, not just some fun, no-work thing. And part of adult love is responding to this ambivalence that sometimes you will have to choose to love your partner, as opposed to it being easy to do so.
3. Heartbreak is one of the hardest things to go through, but you can get through it. There are even studies on taking painkillers to make it easier to deal the heartbreak. Although the number of average heartbreaks varies by location and country, about 2–5 heartbreaks seem to be average. That shows you that you are not alone if you go through heartbreak. But also heartbreak does not need to break you down. There are resources, songs, and ways online to move through the heartbreak. Common but true tip: Relying on your community of supporters (like friends and family) and finding new hobbies really helps this process.
4. Dating consciously can really help, and if you work backward from when you want kids and/or a family, this often means dating consciously in your twentysomethings. Big 5 personality matches have been proven to be helpful for long-term compatibility, as well as shared values, and a desire to grow and learn together. Couples will have differences in personality, that’s inevitable for two humans. But having that shared vision and desire to grow together makes it all easier to navigate. Make active choices to date with conscious intention based on what you want and when you would ideally want moments in your life (e.g., marriage, kids, etc).
5. Love is hard, but it also can be worth it. Loving others, especially vulnerably and honestly, can be an incredible, beautiful experience. It can create companionship, strong emotional connection, and lots of happiness. But also it can be scary, especially because the cost of love is often grief. Even if love can be hard or not always bend up beautiful, love can still be worth it, especially with someone who makes you feel special and in a beautiful, healthy relationship. As “The Alchemist” says “Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself.” Love requires vulnerability, but it can so worth it with a person who helps you feel loved, safe, and happy.
6. Love requires compromise (not sacrifice). Compromise is acknowledging both sides to reach a mid-point that addresses everyone’s needs. It’s totally normal to get into a fight or criticism. In fact, it’s not the fight that matters, but how you fight. Ideally, you are on the same team and want to get to the truth, not be right. Often people are fighting to feel seen or heard, so make sure to validate each other’s feelings (not the same thing as their actions), and try to find some common group and path forward. Then of course, add positive moments into the relationship. The most successful marriages have a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions. So adding positive moments into relationships helps immensely.

These are some important lessons about love for twentysomethings (and honestly beyond). These have helped me as I have experienced love as a twentysomething.

Which lesson on love was helpful for you? What was your favorite lesson on love?

Feel free to share or follow me on Medium or Twitter for more posts about love, relationships, and self-empowerment.

❤,

N