Love in the Time of Pandemic
Meeting someone, and dating again, was the last thing on my mind until now.
Meeting someone, and dating again, was the last thing on my mind until now.
Between my career and children, I didn’t have the bandwidth for much except the occasional night out with friends. That’s been my life for four years — work, pay off debt, save a little, make sure my son and daughter are nourished in body, mind and soul, and start it all over again, day after day, week after week.
When I gave relationships a thought, I also knew that I needed to heal from the apocalypse of my former marriage before my inner femme fatale would be able to rise from my self-imposed relationship moratorium. She would emerge when I was ready.
How would I know?
Hot Mess vs. Feeling Hot Again
Shortly after my ex and I separated, my then 8-year-old daughter asked me, “Mom, do you want to be rescued?” It was a surprising question from someone so young, so I knew it came through her as much as it came from her.
I pondered her words frequently as I rebuilt a life I could be proud of, one that supported my family unit of three. I certainly needed and received immeasurable help from close friends and my therapist, but I realized that the kind of man who would be attracted to the hot mess I was wasn’t the man I wanted when I was ready to feel hot again.
Rescuing meant I was a victim, not something I aspired to be.
Love would come when I could stand on my own in all the ways that mattered — financially, emotionally and spiritually. As 2020 came into view, and I saw how I had healed and triumphed, I thought the time was close.
Then Covid-19 hit.
Sheltering in Place, Sheltering in Love
How do you date when you’re told to shelter in place? How do you meet someone new when you’re told stay indoors, yet everyone knows Mr. Right isn’t going to knock on your door when you least expect it?
Shelter in Place. That phrase became the rallying call for our collective efforts to ease the strain on our health and social systems. Sheltering in Love was also the theme of one of my favorite meditative podcasts (by Tara Brach), so juxtaposed to one another, these words invited contemplation on what it meant to be sheltered vs. rescued. I knew I didn’t want the latter, but perhaps there was something in the former worth searching for.
Many meditations later, this is what came up for me: Sheltering is something people provide to each other. To be sheltered is to be there by choice, not need. Partners are on equal footing, capable and committed to the betterment of two souls and the relationship they are building together.
Rescuing leaves the heavy lifting to just one. While each experience is complex and varied, there’s always a victim needing to be saved in the rescue situation, even if it’s a temporary predicament. That imbalance doesn’t bode well for healthy, sustainable love.
Do I want to be rescued? No way.
Do I want to be sheltered? You bet.
To be sheltered is hot. To be rescued is not, and so, I’ve swiped right, pandemic be dammed.
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