Men’s Silence in Relationships

The preacher asked her
And she said I do
The preacher asked me
And she said yes, he does too
And the preacher said
I pronounce you 99 to life
Son she’s no lady she’s your wife

— Lyle Lovett, “She’s No Lady”

These Lyle Lovett lyrics are one of many jokes in which women are portrayed as dominating and controlling, and men are presented as compliant and afraid to speak up about what they want. Psychologist Dana Jack is well known for her work on the patriarchal pressures on women to silence themselves in intimate relationships and the resultant emotional, physiological, and sociocultural costs. Jack agrees that although the causes and costs differ, men also struggle not to silence themselves in intimate relationships. My clinical experience supports that men tend to be more reticent than their female partners in opening up about their internal lives. In most therapy with heterosexual couples, it is the woman who takes the lead in being more emotionally open. If the therapy goes well, the man follows her lead and matches her vulnerability.

Two significant issues impede men from speaking up in intimate relationships with women.

The first is shame. Men are particularly reluctant to speak up about their own needs and desires in relationships with women because…