Not About Feelings: 5 Secrets to Finding a Compatible Partner in a Long-Term Relationship
How many times have you heard the following? “We broke up ‘cause we are just not compatible.”
“I realise we are actually very different people.”
I’m sure many of you can resonate with these statements, or have friends and loved ones who have uttered similar lines before.
What’s this magic word ‘compatibility’ all about that we see it as key to a happy long-lasting relationship?
Many people around me spend a lot of time picking on their partner’s flaws, and soon I realise that they often become very unhappy or even bitter about having to “put up” with these flaws, that the relationship often comes to a heartbreaking end.
And when they start dating a new person, the whole vicious cycle starts again. They become frustrated over some time, complaining, “Why is it so difficult to find someone compatible?”
After nearly a decade of being in a long-term committed relationship and four years of marriage, I’ve learnt what really is the true secret of staying compatible (I’m still on my learning journey), and I want to share it with you.
And no, it’s not just based on love and feelings alone.
In essence, compatibility is whether you and your partner can work together as a team.
And this is so important that incompatibility can spur us to leave a relationship.
A 2017 socio-psychological study on how couples decide whether they should stay in a long-term relationship found that emotional distance, inequity, partner’s personality, and violations of expectations were most commonly cited as the biggest reasons to leave their existing relationships.
These reasons can also be seen as subsets of compatibility.
One of my close friends’ parents were actually brought together through an arranged marriage and they have been happily married for four decades and counting.
Not that I’m an advocate of arranged marriages, but it’s not the first time I’ve heard of couples from arranged marriages stay happily married for years, despite not having dated or even met each other before the wedding day. (Of course, there are also many arranged marriages that end up badly, but those are stories for another day. I think for many of us, in this day and age, it’s more surprising how these arrangements work out successfully rather than not.)
So what’s their secret? I’ve spoken to some of these couples, gathered opinions from friends who have been in a long-term relationship for years, reflected on the advice shared by my pre-marital counsellor, my experiences through my 9-year-long relationship and realised that we have to fall back on certain key principles to find true success in a long-term relationship or marriage.
Here are 5 simple steps on how you can explore these key principles that would transform your relationship:
1. Understand your partner’s fundamental beliefs at the start of the relationship
No it’s not about finding out if he likes tea or coffee, or if he prefers to hang out on Saturdays or just Netflix and chill.
These are important, but what’s more significant is understanding deep down what his values and beliefs are. Once you understand these, all the other little seemingly consequential little things would naturally fall into place.
What do I mean by values and beliefs? These are often fundamentals that make us who we are, that we feel very strongly for, and very often, these are issues that are difficult to find a compromise on. Sure, at the beginning of your relationship, you might feel that love can overcome everything, but once the honeymoon phase wears off, compromising on these very fundamental beliefs can make us very unhappy, or worse, bitter, many years later.
If you are not sure how to start, below are some questions you can start asking yourself and your partner. These might be difficult and uncomfortable to talk about at the beginning, but trust me, it’s more important to discuss these earlier than later when you have invested so much more energy into the relationship and realise that things are not working out, simply because you both do not have shared beliefs and values.
These are what I call “make or break” fundamental compatibility questions — they can either strengthen the bond between both of you if you have aligned or shared beliefs, or they can also highlight potential red flags in the relationship so you can call it quits earlier instead of dragging it on when it would be even more painful to leave:
- What are your priorities now? (Do you prioritise family or career? Do note that these priorities might change at different phases in your lives; what’s important is both of you are aligned with these priorities during the various phases. If one of you is focusing on career but another wants to settle down now, it means that both of you don’t have the same priorities at the same point in time and this can be tough to move forward.)
- What is your main vision in life? (If one of you wants to lead a digital nomadic life together and move from country to country while another wants to build your career in one city, settle down and build assets in the same place, it can be very tough to achieve a compromise, unless you are both willing to do a long-distance relationship, which is possible but requires even more communication and alignment to make it work out.)
- What are your views on marriage? (If one of you wants to get married and the other doesn’t, this is not something that you can compromise and be happy about. It’s possible that your views on this might change when you reach a different phase in life, but you’ll never know, and it’s never a good idea to have the expectation that your partner would change his/her mind if you are very sure you want to get married but your partner is very sure he/she doesn’t. However, if both of you are ambivalent about it at this point in time, you can always revisit this discussion later if you are aligned with the other values.)
- What are your religious views? (If one of you needs the other to convert to his/her religion before getting married, this requires a lot of discussion, because religion is not built on your relationship — it’s a personal belief. I have seen people leaving religions after they broke up with or divorced their partner who brought them into the religion because they connect their religion with their relationship, and this is the wrong reason for accepting any religion in the first place.)
- Do you want children? (If one of you wants to have kids and the other doesn’t, this is also not something that you can compromise on without feeling very bitter later in your life, especially if you start regretting having (or not having) kids. Also, if both of you are from different religions, which religion would you want to bring up the children in? I have seen families where Mom and Dad practise different religions and the children are often confused because sometimes these beliefs clash with each other.)
- How do you work out your finances together? (Do you split the rent and bills? Or does one person pay for all or some aspects? Some people expect their partner to be the one paying for everything, but some prefer to split the costs. Money is often a very sensitive topic, so make sure you have that sorted out before you become unhappy that your partner is “too demanding” or “stingy”.)
- What are your roles when living together? (Do you split the housework? Or does one person do most of it while the other person focuses on financially supporting the both of you? It can be very tiring for one person to have to earn a living to pay for the bills and deal with all housework — that’s almost like having two full-time jobs! He/she would be burnt out and become very bitter or unhappy. Yes, some of our Moms might have done it, but it doesn’t mean that it’s the right thing to do. So it’s important to discuss what both your expectations are regarding your household roles, and this might be closely linked with how you deal with your finances as a couple too. In some cultures, if the living arrangements involve living with one partner’s family, things might get a bit tricky on household roles so it’s best to discuss them before you move in.)
Many people only start discussing these months and even years into a serious relationship, and it can be very devastating when they realise that their partner has a very different values and beliefs— it is then that they are often left with a choice, to either live with it or to make the painful decision of ending a long-term relationship.
So have these serious and uncomfortable conversations earlier in your relationship — it would save you a lot of pain and heartache in the long run.
2. Remind yourselves daily: What can you give (instead of receive)?
Humans are selfish creatures. We often think what we can get out of a relationship instead of what we can give. Our survival instinct is always about self-preservation and self-benefits.
Guess what, a successful relationship needs to defy this instinct. It’s about allowing yourself to be vulnerable with another person and focus on what you can contribute to the relationship instead of what your partner can offer. I understand this is tough, especially for some of you who have had your trust betrayed in previous relationships, and if this is the case, I really encourage you to take the time you need to heal yourself first, before entering another relationship.
And unless your partner is toxic, manipulative, unfaithful, abusive (physically or emotionally) or breaches your trust, which are all serious red flags and you should end the relationship as soon as possible, focusing on what you can give (instead of receive) really helps. You’ll stop focusing on placing expectations on your partner — and a mismatch in expectations is often the main reason why most relationships don’t work out.
For example, instead of saying, “He/she’s not spending enough time with me,” why don’t you change it to “How can I better support him/her in certain ways so that we have more time to spend together?”
And this only works if both of you have this mindset — it doesn’t work when it’s only one-sided.
Of course, we all have our needs, and we would be very bitter and frustrated if we keep giving but our needs are not met (note that I’m talking about needs, not wants or desires). So it’s very important to communicate your needs to your partner, and both of you focus on giving each other what each party needs.
This takes time, and your partner might not be able to fulfil all your needs immediately. So don’t be impatient and start being calculative about how long your partner is taking to fulfil your need versus how long you took to fulfil your partner’s needs. It’s not a comparison on who has done what, because doing so would place the focus on yourself again, what you need and what your partner has not done (yet) for you.
If you find that you or your partner is struggling to fulfil certain needs, bring it up to discuss on how you can both work it out together, not how one party can do better.
Remember: A relationship is not about you, but about both of you.
3. Change your mindset to “We need to make it work” instead of “Let’s leave it up to fate”
Being attracted to someone and falling in love might be due to chance. But staying in love and staying compatible requires hard work. To say that you just want to be in love without putting in the work is like saying you want to earn a million dollars without planning and working for it in the first place.
What I’ve learnt is that your mindset makes all the difference — do you think about whether you need to make it work or about leaving it all up to fate and see how it goes?
If you have a pet or plants at home, do you put in effort to keep your animal or plants alive or do you simply leave them to fend for themselves?
Ever since I bought succulents to brighten up my home, I’ve been observing their growth with care, joined plant care communities and whenever one started to rot or display unnatural symptoms, I would do research online to seek advice on what I can do to save my plants.
If we can put in so much care for our pets and plants, why can’t we put in equal or even more effort into our relationships? There’s no reason to leave your relationship to bear the brunt of the changing seasons and expect it to survive.
Sure, it’s not sunshine and roses all the time. Sometimes we are too tired to water our plants or feed our cat, but do we really leave them to starve? Our feelings come and go in waves, and are affected by hormonal changes or changes in various internal and external factors. Do you really want to build the foundation of your long-term relationship based on our irrational, ever-changing feelings?
Dr Joe Cilona, who served as the psychologist for American reality series ‘Married at first sight’ (in which singles are paired with other singles based on expert assessment of their compatibility across sexuality, spirituality and psychology), said in an NBC article on making a marriage last, “Many people use their emotions as a compass for navigating love and romance, and emotions often play the primary role in decision making and behaviour. For those that want to make better decisions when it comes to dating and romance, it’s important to remember that there are often many, many variables that influence compatibility and complementarity in love and marriage, and that feelings are just a part of a much larger picture.”
Tell yourselves that you want to make it work, instead of constantly finding a reason to break up over every big or small issue. When you encounter problems, find out how to solve it together, or bring in a relationship therapist when necessary. And both of you must have this conviction that you want to work it out — it doesn’t work when it’s only one party doing so.
My husband and I often have our arguments and disagreements, and sometimes we thought about giving up in the heat of the moment, but we never let these thoughts and feelings during our emotional periods affect our rational thought when we have calmed down, and we both know that we both want to make it work.
4. Have meaningful conversations regularly and share your thoughts on important issues
Disclaimer here: I’m not talking about asking each other what to eat for dinner or if you should catch the latest blockbuster in town. What I mean is having deep conversations on things that matter.
People’s thoughts change based on their experiences and what they have seen, heard or read. It’s important to talk about them regularly.
We might not notice this, but most of us are changing every day, little by little, inwardly and outwardly. You don’t want to only have a deep conversation with your partner years later only to discover that they are no longer the same person as who you knew them before.
Regular communication also helps to develop trust and understanding. When we argue when we don’t understand each other, we would often fill the gaps of understanding with assumptions, and this often leads to a lot of misunderstandings.
When you have deep conversations, you might even influence each other positively. My husband and I have unintentionally and subconsciously influenced each other through sharing our thoughts — we build on each other’s thoughts and we soon find that it enhances our individual perspectives of various issues.
Take the step to have at least one meaningful conversation a day with your partner! You will realise that you grow closer and even more compatible along the way.
5. Listen
And I mean, really listening to your partner. Not listening while thinking about what you’re going to say next.
Most of us love to listen to our own voice, but we tend not to find the same pleasure in listening to other people, especially if the speaker is not the most interesting person in the room.
American author Dale Carnegie illustrated in his celebrated bestseller How to win friends and influence people various examples on the power of listening, which could pacify an irate customer of a departmental store simply because he was listened to by the store manager, and even motivate an unreasonable customer of a phone company (who even started several suits against the company and filed several complaints) to happily pay all his bills in full, after he was listened to for hours by a patient customer service representative throughout four interviews.
He wrote, “Isaac F Marcosson, a journalist who interviewed hundreds of celebrities, declared that many people fail to make a favourable impression because they don’t listen attentively. “They have been so much concerned with what they are going to say next that they do not keep their ears open…Very important people have told me that they prefer good listeners to good talkers, but the ability to listen seems rarer than almost any other good trait.” ”
Active listening means paying full attention to not only what is being said, but how it is being said (in terms of language and tone) and the non-verbal cues (such as body language) of the speaker.
The act of being listened to can be so transformational for everyone, from Presidents to celebrities to ordinary people.
So never underestimate the power of listening to your partner — not only will they feel happy to be listened to, but this pleasure will motivate them to share more honestly with you — you’d be amazed at how much people feel like they can trust you simply because you genuinely listened to them.
And when you’ve developed a strong level of trust and understanding with your partner, even during arguments, it would be easier for your partner to have more faith that you are on their side, and vice versa.
Yes, I’m talking about building that sense of camaraderie — you will want your lover as your comrade, not your enemy, no? That’s how you can be a better team!
In summary, compatibility is not by chance; it’s a choice we make every single day.
I’m also on this journey with my husband, and realistically speaking, we struggle at times too, but when our emotional selves take over, we constantly remind ourselves why our relationship is important to us and the future we want to build together, often revisiting the 5 steps:
- Understand each other’s fundamental beliefs
- Focus on what you can give (instead of receive)
- Change your mindset to “We need to make it work” instead of “Let’s leave it up to fate”
- Have regular meaningful conversations on important issues
- Listen
I admit, it’s a lot of work, but it pays off in the long run!
Are both of you willing to take these steps to transform your long-term relationship and grow in compatibility?
Has this post been helpful for you? Do share with me your thoughts and feedback, I would love to hear from you! If you enjoy what you’re reading, you can also follow me on Instagram for more bite-sized relationship content!
