Relationship Advice From My Mother
Take time out.
Talking to my mom about relationships and romance is not something I frequently indulge myself. I didn’t really talk to my mom about anything relevant to me until I turned 20.
Given that her relationship with my father isn’t one to model, asking her for relationship advice was unthinkable. Little did I know that she has some gems to drop.
I want to give you some context. My parents share a very traditional family setting. My father works and sends money home, and my mom manages the home. She had to forfeit her career to take care of her kids. Not to mention maintaining a dysfunctional, emotionally malignant relationship.
It’s worth mentioning that my mother single-handedly raised two boys and a girl without her “life” partner. Frankly, she was a stay-at-home mom with a husband working remotely.
I am sure you can understand that although I sing her praises now, the challenges we faced left scars in our hearts. Unfortunately, I wish it was easy just to be a single mom and raise great kids. But the reality is unrelated to the super-hero persona given to single moms in today’s society.
I learned something powerful a few days before writing this article — something obvious that I couldn’t see — and that is never to compare traumas. I understand that some stories are more gruesome than others — however, we must not compare until we can properly measure people’s tolerance to trauma.
This is where I am going, a woman who is in a broken relationship, career pulled to pieces, and is barely managing her relationship with her children cannot be a relationship expert — but I was wrong.
After traveling the rocky path that was my childhood, I needed to know the full story, so I went inquiring. A powerful reference from an uber driver I met was, “questions attract answers.” I was ready to get the answers to the questions that have perturbed my mind for years.
As the journey began, I recognized that its path was riddled with vulnerability and shame. It was apparent that we needed to allow ourselves to be seen. That way, and only that way, shall we genuinely love each other.
During a conversation with my mom, we began to talk about why she and my father’s relationship didn’t work out. She explained to me that when too many chefs steer the pot, the broil loses flavor.
She was not giving away too much information. I noticed her watching every word and making sure not to destroy my father’s reputation. It was unfortunately too late for that — but I was happy she still respected him.
“Out of all the options I had when this marriage started to fall apart, leaving my children was never considered. I didn’t plan to have my children watch me suffer, but that seems to be our situation.” My mother said to me, helplessly.
“You need to know this Godwin, for any relationship to work you need to take-time-out and release. Don’t carry grudges for more than a day.” She said assertively.
My mother taught me to TTO! Take time out and release. When she said release, she meant to let go of anger, shame, bitterness, etc. she was saying, talk, and listen.
At the bedrock of every good relationship is excellent communication. Call it whatever you want, coin in which way you want, its truth will never change. Too often, small communication gaps lead to a significant loss of companionship.
Resentment ended my parent’s marriage, and I saw it happen right before my eyes. Excellent communication erodes resentment, and you can quote me on that.
P.s: The boldly highlighted words spell the acronym TTO!
