Seven Misconceptions I Had About Cheating
Starting with “Never say never.”
I remember when I was still a teenager, passionately and love and thinking cheating was the worst thing that could happen to me, ever. I can’t blame myself, really. Just look at what movies, books, and even celebrity stories tell us about cheating:
Cheating is inexcusable. If your partner loves you, they won’t cheat on you. Cheating is the beginning of the end.
In short — nothing good ever comes from cheating.
Now, fifteen years later, I’ve had my share of relationships and seen many more around me. And I’ve come to see cheating in a very different light. Could it be the ideas we’re fed with about cheating lack nuance at best and are harmful to the way we have our relationships at worst?
Here’s what I’ve learned…
Never Say Never
I used to think cheating was something for immoral people. For those who don’t love their partner or don’t have any values. That would never happen to me. Maybe one of my friends, if I judged them all wrong.
You guessed it — I was wrong. I’ve crossed the occasional boundary myself (I’ll discuss these boundaries more later). I could blame it on many things — from hormones to relationships that were already falling apart, but the truth is — it was easy to think of myself as a moral person when I didn’t have any crazy temptation to deal with. Once the temptation was there… I found I’m less strong than I thought I was.
I’ve seen the same thing happen all around me. From rebellious artists to prim stay-at-home mothers — my friends told me stories of passionate encounters and hidden relationships. I watched more than one friend fall off his high horse and into an affair…
I’m not saying everyone would cheat if they got the chance. I’m just saying — I’ve seen a lot of people who could never imagine themselves cheat find themselves cheating. So maybe, just maybe, cheating is human.
What Is Cheating Anyway?
Now before we move on — one thing I’ve learned about cheating is that cheating can mean a lot of different things. Like I mentioned — I had friends who had full-blown affairs that lasted months. I think we’re all in agreement on that one: that’s pretty clear cheating right there.
But when does cheating begin? Is it with sex? With a stroke? With a kiss? Or is it way earlier? With a look? With a flirt? With a feeling?
For some, cheating doesn’t matter as much as long as there are no feelings involved. For others, it’s not cheating until something physical happens.
Personally, I define cheating as:
Any action you consciously and willingly take towards someone other than your agreed upon partner(s), that is either explicitly or implicitly mutually defined as ‘not done’.
Which is quite a definition… So let me just touch upon a few things here…
First of all — any action. If in your relationship it’s perfectly fine to sleep with other people, but not to take them out for dinner — guess what: sleeping with others is not cheating, taking them out for dinner is. Any action also includes any action over the phone or online.
Second — in order to cheat you have to be both conscious and willing. If you’re drugged — you’re not cheating. And obviously, OBVIOUSLY, if you’re raped — you’re not cheating. If you have a mental episode and you aren’t aware of yourself — you’re not cheating. Also — and this one is much more subtle — if you simply develop feelings for someone else, this in itself is not cheating. We can’t control our feelings, can we? It’s not a conscious decision to fall for someone. But I’ll explore this one later in more detail.
Third — the action has to be implicitly or explicitly defined as not done. Clearly, if you’ve discussed with your partner that sexting with someone else is cheating — it’s cheating. But if you haven’t explicitly discussed this, you’ll usually still have a pretty good idea of whether this kind of thing is acceptable in your relationship.
Hint: if you consider hiding what you’re doing from your partner or if you’d hate the thought of your partner doing this thing to you, odds are it’s not okay in your relationship. I’ve had several girlfriends cross boundaries in their relationship and then defend themselves to me with “Well, we never discussed this scenario! I know plenty of other people who do this!” But when I’d ask them: “I get that, but did you expect this would be okay in your relationship?” they admitted they knew it would be trouble.
Fourth — the action has to be mutually agreed upon. I’ve always had a bunch of male friends — it goes with my personality, sense of humor and occupations. In former relationships I had boyfriends express concern or even disagreement with the fact I’d be seeing my male friends one-on-one or even cuddle with them. From the start of these relationships, I’ve been very clear that I do not consider these actions cheating and I’m not going to stop doing them, nor hide the fact that I’m doing this from my partners.
My partners do not own me and yours do not own you (and you do not own yours). You can agree on mutual rules and express your boundaries, but it’s not cheating if you tell your partner you don’t want them to do something and they do it anyway. Not unless they agree not to do it.
Don’t you think all of the above is quite a lot of nuance as compared to my teenage definition of “Cheating is any romantic or sexual activity you have with someone else than your partner without their consent”.
So where does that leave falling in love?
Falling in Love Is Not Cheating
I can remember at least four times I’ve fallen in love while in a relationship. But — as opposed to my teenage self — I no longer think falling in love is cheating. However… even though I’ve never gotten romantic or sexual with any of these people but one (and that was after the other relationship ended), in hindsight I would say that I’ve cheated in every single one of these situations.
So what happened there?
First of all, I want to repeat: I don’t think falling in love with anyone is cheating, period. By my definition, cheating is a choice. Falling in love is not a choice (or — believe me — I would have chosen very different people to fall in love with).
In my case, every single time I fell in love was a clear sign: I was in a relationship that wasn’t working for me, for whatever reason. They weren’t all bad relationships. Some were just meh. But I lost track of what really made me happy and there would be men on my path who would show me exactly how I could feel and what kind of connections I could experience.
So where does the cheating part come in?
Well… Although I never got romantic or sexual with any of these new passions (except for the first one, which became a relationship after I ended the one I was already in) I would nurture these connections. I would spend countless hours building a bond. Talking, sharing, getting closer to each other. Not necessarily with the intention of things turning romantic (not that I’d admit to myself, anyway). Even so, I would make a conscious choice to strengthen feelings for someone else other than my partner, something that was implicitly not okay in my previous, monogamous, relationships.
So while I don’t think falling in love is cheating, the way we handle our falling in love is a very different matter. Are we open about it with our current partner(s) or do we hide it? Do we use falling in love to only strengthen the ties with the new passion or do we use it to examine and improve our existing relationships?
If you’re in an open relationship, you may think that this isn’t relevant for you. Personally, I found that it’s actually exactly the same in polyamory. Here too, falling in love with someone else may or may not have something to do with our existing partners. When we dive in headfirst into new connections, without examining and nurturing our existing ones, there is always the danger of simply drifting apart with the connections we already have.
But it doesn’t have to be this way.
Cheating Isn’t Always the End of a Relationship
In my personal experience — cheating (emotional or physical) would always lead to the end of a relationship. And I’ve seen this around me a lot. Most of the cheating I’ve seen led to break-ups and new loves. Most, but not all.
I’ve also had friends tell me about their cheating, examining what happened, working on their relationship, and ultimately growing stronger as a couple.
Some of these friends chose to fess up. Some of them chose to live with the burden of their secrets. And while I used to think “the partner ALWAYS deserves to know!” — these days I’ve grown milder: “is it possible the partner would be happier never finding out?” I certainly believe so.
Surprisingly, I haven’t known a single person break up with their partner simply because the partner cheated on them.
Here’s what I’ve learned from all monogamous relationships where I’ve seen cheating (and some polyamorous too):
When we cheat, we learn something about ourselves and/or our existing relationships.
The only time I physically cheated on a boyfriend I learned about my boundaries (in certain circumstances I tend to cross them). I also learned about my feelings for the person I was cheating with.
When I fell in love in one of my previous, serious monogamous relationships, I realized a relationship without being able to talk to my partner just didn’t work for me.
And so on…
I’ve heard my friends learning lessons about their sexuality, their confidence, their preferences, their needs for intimacy, and much, much more.
Based on these lessons (and often together with their partners) they would evaluate their existing relationships: was it possible to fix things?
And only when the answer was “no” did cheating lead to a break-up.
I’m sure for some (as for me in the past) cheating means instant exit. But is that the best outcome for everyone involved?
Cheating Doesn’t Mean Your Partner Doesn’t Love You
One very widely spread misconception (that I used to share) is that cheaters do not love their existing partners. “If they cheat on me, that means they don’t love me.”
Here’s what I found: there is little correlation. Some people love their partners, some people don’t. And sure, those who don’t love their partners have less to hold them back when forming new attachments. But for those who do love their partners — there are still many reasons to fall in love and get romantic or sexual with someone else.
I’ve seen a friend fall apart because they loved their girlfriend so much but after years couldn’t handle the lack of sex anymore.
Another friend realized the cheating helped them deal with a personal insecurity they’ve been struggling with for years.
Yet another one was coping with the absence of their partner (who had to be away for work a lot) and cheating was a distraction for the feelings of missing them.
Now I’m not saying any of that is a valid excuse for cheating. I definitely believe there are other, more healthy, ways to cope with each of these situations. But unlike we often think — an image that is fed by the media: a cheater is not this evil person who doesn’t care about their partner. They are often simply confused, insecure or hurt. Possibly all three.
That said — none of the above means you have to stay in a relationship with someone cheating on you. Do evaluate the source of the cheating and ask yourself if staying is a good idea. But do it consciously, without holding on to the notion that your partner simply doesn’t care about you.
Substances Do Matter. So Do Hormones.
Okay, this is going to be a very unpopular opinion and I’m bracing myself for the comments, but here’s what I’ve learned: substances matter. And so do hormones.
When you’re high on drugs or you’re completely drunk, you simply can’t make conscious decisions. And so, by my definition, screwing (up) in that state is not really cheating…
The truth is we often simply can’t imagine how much hormones and substances alter our mind. And they do, a lot.
Now this could be used as the perfect excuse for not only cheating, but also rape and any crime, so I want to put a disclaimer here…
Doing something under the influence of substances may not be a conscious choice, taking these substances usually IS a very conscious choice.
If you’ve been under influence of substances before and you have a notion of how they impact you and you still choose to do them (or if you ignore common sense) — it’s 100% your own responsibility when you screw up.
But yeah, we all have to learn our boundaries at one point and if you suddenly get much drunker than you could have expected and act out — I’d say that might be dumb or unlucky, but in my book that wouldn’t be considered cheating.
Still, I suggest you err on the safe side when possible.
The other thing that should be mentioned here is hormones.
Just like consumable substances, hormones influence our bodies. Big time.
Being a woman that’s heavily influenced by hormones (at a certain point my boyfriend and I realized we always fought around the same day of the month… now he just tells me “you’re on pms, we’ll discuss this a few days later”) I know how different a person I am when my hormones are out of balance.
Unfortunately, unlike alcohol and other substances, hormones can’t always be controlled. And it’s a bitch, really. We do things we didn’t think ourselves capable of.
All I can say about this one is: if you know you’re sensitive to hormonal dis-balance (both men and women!) try to avoid situations where it might be encouraged or exploited.
But if you’re cheated on by someone with a hormonal dis-balance and the relationship is worth staying in, I encourage you to explore whether hormones have played a part and how this could be avoided in the future.
Your Attitude Matters
Finally, and this is a very important thing to mention, I’ve learned that your attitude matters. Back when I was a teen, my boyfriends knew that I was zero-tolerant towards cheating. I still have many friends with this attitude.
I understand where it comes from, I really do (especially having been there myself), but consider the consequences. When cheating becomes a taboo, you don’t leave your partner (or yourself) much space to deal with unexpected feelings or situations.
Sure, the braver ones will still confess when they screw up, but let’s get real here: it’s terrifying to admit you’ve cheated if you know for a fact that you’ll lose your partner.
You create a relationship culture of secrets and fear.
Do you really want that?
I don’t.
Starting from my teenage years I slowly changed my ways.
These days, though my relationships are polyamorous, there is still the occasional rule.
But one thing is most important: I need my partners to know that I’ll love them even if they screw up, so they can be open with me and we can tackle anything together.
The same goes for my friends, who know I won’t judge them if they cheat (which, I suspect, is why so many of them told me about it).
Because the truth is: we’re all just human. Sure, cheating is never the best way to deal with challenges that arise. But sometimes, for whatever reason, we aren’t able to choose the better ways.
When this happens to you — whether you’re the cheater or you’re cheated upon — just remember: cheating happens, and it happens much more often than we’re led to believe (and for very different reasons, too). But it’s up to you whether you use it as a lesson or allow it to destroy yourself and your relationships.
