Stop Saying Looks Don’t Matter
“Don’t get so caught up with your looks. It doesn’t define you and most certainly doesn’t determine how your life would be. Instead, focus on things that actually matter — your personality and character.“
Yes, I already know that. That’s what I’ve been told my whole life. But here’s the thing, I don’t need that advice. I’m sick of that and I don’t ever want to hear that again.
— Charles, 50 years old, single
This is what Charles said when we talked about the reason why he’s still single despite his old age. You might think he’s just being preposterous, but a lot of people can relate to him.
Working as a dating coach allowed me to delve deeper into the issues concerning attraction, especially physical appearance.
Believe it or not, those who are insecure and have low self-esteem don’t need any more of your “looks don’t matter” advice, because, for one thing, they do matter. So what you’re saying is ruining their lives.
Why? Let’s find out.
It invalidates the feelings of those who are criticized for their looks
You’re already struggling with insecurities and someone tells you you shouldn’t stress much about your looks because, in the end, it’s just part of the deciding factor if someone likes you or not. It doesn’t make you or break you.
In short, you’re not okay, but they’re telling you the exact opposite. What do you think would happen? Of course, you’ll end up feeling more insecure and invalidated.
It’s a form of gaslighting
Imagine being told that looks aren’t that valuable when you’ve been criticized and rejected your whole life because of that. It’s downright disrespectful.
Some people would even say that you’re just being dramatic because it’s not really much of a big deal as if they’re telling you you’re wrong for feeling that way.
It can be hypocritical
Society strives so hard to embrace and value diversity and beauty in all of its forms. So, don’t you think dismissing the importance of physical appearance makes us hypocrites?
It sets unrealistic expectations
I remember my best friend Liam calling me in the middle of the night, crying because his girlfriend had broken up with him. Apparently, she thought his face looked odd and his body was too big.
It was such an eye-opener for him because, growing up, he had always been taught that his looks shouldn’t be what defines him. He should focus on how kindly he treats others.
In short, he didn’t think about how his looks would affect his life because that factor had never been important to him in the first place.
Until he met Joan. Joan was the love of his life, and for five years, I could see that they were such a happy and healthy couple.
However, Liam went through a rough phase in his life. He was fired from his job and got depressed. As a result, he no longer took care of himself and did harmful things, such as stress eating.
Joan noticed and that was when their relationship changed. Joan would not sleep beside him anymore and wouldn’t eat or even go out with him. It was as if she was disgusted with her own partner.
Then, the most heartbreaking day came. Joan broke up with Liam. She said he was not the same Liam she fell in love with — the same handsome and fit man he once was.
Because of it, we found out that what they had was only superficial. But still, I couldn’t deny that one of the reasons Liam was devastated was that he hadn’t expected his appearance to be the reason why such a beautiful thing would end.
And that was because he never thought it would matter in the first place.
Looks matter a lot.
While it’s true that a good personality is what will make a person stay in the relationship, in most cases, no one would approach you and really get to know you if you’re unattractive.
In the end, let’s not invalidate the role that physical attraction plays in relationships. While it’s not the only thing that matters, it is a thing that matters.
