Talking to My Man? Remember This
Here’s the one thing you should never assume.
She’s got a mad crush
I knew it was a risk when I began dating him. Jakob was strikingly handsome, a fantastic dancer and charming beyond compare. So it was no surprise to see girls making a beeline for him the second I turned my back.
Most of these girls just wanted to dance with him, and use him to show off their own fancy moves to a room full of people far too self-absorbed to notice.
But one girl, the aforementioned Feta from Ladies: Please Stop Doing This to Men noticed every move he made, especially those involving me.
Feta had a mad crush on Jakob.
As told in the story above, she had an odd strategy for trying to land a man, or more accurately, steal him away from me.
The worst part of her strategy is one I didn’t discuss much in the story above, but it is something I see women do quite often.
And it’s totally inappropriate, creepy and rude.
So then she says…
We had just left an event and I could feel the tension in his hand as he firmly shuttled me toward the car.
I couldn’t tell if he was upset, chilled by the winter air, or simply anxious to head home to be alone with me, but it was evident something was on his mind.
The second we get in the car he braces his hands on the steering wheel and turns to me with a stony face. “I need to say something to Feta,” he says.
At first, I thought he was going to say that she was being too aggressive in asking him to dance, making it difficult for him to say no. I thought he was going to tell me that she was being too clingy, which was keeping him from asking other girls to dance — or God forbid — dancing more with me.
But no. Feta must have chosen that night to level up her game by channeling the finely tuned cattiness of a 13-year-old girl.
It started with her suggestion that if he was really serious about competing, he should work with a partner who is a serious dancer and not just “messing around”. She clearly did not think I was a good partner for him.
For the record, later on we did compete together and took 3rd. Take that, Feta.
But then it got weirder.
She tried to show him a creepy dance move that was oddly intimate and not appropriate for the dance style we were doing.
Before we left, he said goodbye to her, politely thanking her for the dances he merely tolerated and did not actually enjoy.
As she hugged him, she held him in close and said, “I wanted another dance, but I guess you have to take whatever that is back home.”
Before he could register what she had just said, Feta ran off to dance with someone else.
I never would have known any of this had Jakob not done one thing.
He told me everything.
Men Talk Too
This baffles me. Do women really think our boyfriends aren’t telling us what other women are saying and doing behind our back? Especially if the woman is hitting on them, insulting us, or trying to interfere with our relationship?
If you are doing weird things when engaging with my boyfriend, I can almost guarantee that he is going to make me aware of it.
A woman who is making unwelcome advances with my boyfriend is something I should be aware of.
A woman who acts like my friend to my face, but disrespects me behind my back is something I should be aware of.
You know… Things that are totally inappropriate, creepy and rude. Especially when it’s clear that a man is taken.
Maybe I’ve just dated some super yappy men, but I don’t believe I’m alone in this. Men talk. And women should never assume they will stay silent.
That night Jakob told me that Feta was being overly handsy during her dances with him. He told me every catty remark she made. He told me that she was digging for details about our relationship. He told me that she was being creepy in how she was staring us down while we were dancing.
I find that if a man respects you — and trusts you — he will tell you what is happening behind your back or when you are not around, especially if it could cause drama in your relationship.
I think this is a very wise approach.
I would rather hear things from my boyfriend, especially if he is directly involved, than from someone else.
I dated a guy once who failed to do this, and it caused major drama for us. One night a girl tried to kiss him after insisting that he escort her to her car. Had he just told me what had happened, it would have been a non-issue. Instead I got weird text messages the next day from two different people asking if we were still together.
My friends only saw part of the situation. What they didn’t see was how he responded and handled it.
But their version of the story didn’t sound good. And when he failed to mention it at all, their version was the only one I knew.
A man who respects you doesn’t keep things from you.
I know what you are thinking.
Some of you are thinking this is a fantastic way to skyrocket the drama in your relationship. Tell your person that someone came onto you at the bar last night, or said rude things about them behind their back and watch them go ballistic.
And others are thinking, my person doesn’t tell me anything. If you’re dating a good looking, high-value person, I guarantee they are getting hit on and flirted with. If someone is jealous of your relationship, they may try to interfere with or undermine your relationship.
People say and do totally inappropriate things to people who are in relationships. Sometimes they are trying to steal the person away. Perhaps they are jealous, drunk or testing the waters to see if there’s a chance. Some people take advantage when they see a couple having issues instead of leaving them alone to work through it.
Anyway.
The reason my boyfriends tell me everything is because they feel safe doing so.
I don’t blame my boyfriend for how other people act. I trust that he will handle situations as he sees fit. However, I may ask him to put up a stronger boundary if I feel he’s being too polite or giving too much grace.
Too many men are far too nice when women push or abuse their boundaries. But we need our men to hold strong boundaries and to act with solid principles — both with us and with others.
I want my man to feel that I trust and respect how he chooses to handle the situations he faces. And I’m always willing to help navigate and discuss situations so we can figure out the best path forward — but first I have to know what’s going on.
It’s all about operating as a unit.
Transparency allows us do that.
Why I want to know
Some people say they don’t want — or need — to know. The value in being in the loop is simple.
Transparency = trust.
I’d rather hear you tell me what happened and how you handled it than have someone gossiping to me about what they saw or heard. It builds my trust in you when I hear that you handled a situation in a way that impresses me — firmly and directly.
Also, the first account one hears is usually the one we give the most credit to.
Therefore, be the first person to speak up. The weakest position you can find yourself in is one where you are defending yourself.
The end of Feta
After I heard what Feta was saying and doing with Jakob, I knew that she did not see me as a friend or acquaintance — I was competition. And that changed how I interacted with her moving forward.
I simply didn’t. And neither did Jakob.
Want to know how Jakob handled this situation and why it impressed me so much? Stay tuned — that story is coming next.
If you find my advice helpful and have a situation you’d like support with, let’s connect for a free introductory call to explore if we’re a good fit for a coaching session. To book a free 15-minute call, click here.
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