The Circle of Differentiation
The alternative to Dysfunctional Drama Triangle Dynamic
Co-authored with Galit Romanelli, M.A.
Deborah isn’t happy with her husband, Gilad. She carefully chooses her words, afraid he might explode. “He’s always angry, short, and unexpected. I can never relax next to him,” she quietly shares. Gilad rolls his eyes and answers: “No matter what I do, she always interprets me as aggressive and blames me for not loving her.”
Deborah jumps up. “I’m just trying to help him, and all I get from him is pain! Please tell him that’s not how you treat a partner! Tell him this isn’t normal!” she half asks, half commands us. “Please help her understand that I’m not a violent man like she always claims!” he begs us. We take a breath and say: “You two are stuck in the victim triangle. We can help you move beyond this dynamic, if you two commit to leaving your comfort zone.”
In systemic therapy, a relationship is seen as a pattern in which both partners engage in a “dance” with complementary roles. Many couples find themselves in the drama triangle (also called “victim triangle”) dynamic, shifting between the roles of victim, savior, and aggressor. The roles are not based on personality but are the result of a systemic homeostasis. In its extreme form, the drama triangle can lead to violence. This…
