The Four Gateways to Intimacy
Connecting from the bottom up.
“I want a break,” Iris says silently. “We’ve been together for 20 years and I want to find out who I am.”
Terry was quiet. Not surprised, but shocked.
“I don’t know what to say.”
“Do you want us to teach you how to express your feelings? Do you want me to help you be more vulnerable?”
“Yes! I know I’m feeling things but I don’t know how to express them.”
“I’ve been ‘milking’ him for years unsuccessfully, please help him express his feelings!”
All too often in the clinic we see individuals and couples who struggle to express their emotional world. In its very gendered form we’ll see the following dynamic — men labeled as indifferent, aloof, or simply ‘emotionally challenged’. Women, on the other hand, will generally be labeled as ‘too much’, too emotional, all over the place, overwhelmed or flooded with intense emotions. Regardless of the gendered expression of this, it’s all part of the same challenge — connecting to ourselves in a way that enables us to express what we’re feeling in order to connect to our partner.
Intimacy, or into-me-see, is the art of opening up and sharing what’s happening inside. For some of us this comes naturally. For others, especially men…
