The Loneliness of Being Right

These tips will help prevent the dread of arguing with your partner and understand how facing conflict head-on will help the two of you feel closer.

I was raised in an emotionally violent family. We argued often, with little to no restraint. As a child, it seemed that arguments continued until one person finally “broke down” and cried, effectively losing the argument and making the other person the winner.

Not surprisingly, conflict early in my marriage was ineffective and painful. When arguing with my wife, I kept pushing my point of view with little regard for how my aggression was affecting her or our relationship. Given my family history, I only knew how to push harder, waiting for her to admit she was wrong and defeated. To her credit, my wife regularly stood up to me, so our arguments were mean and went on forever. Neither of us knew how to resolve conflict without winning.

There is an old saying that you should “be careful what you ask for.” One awful day, after years of frustratingly painful conflict, I finally won an argument. I finally strung together a series of irrefutable arguments, and my wife capitulated. She was devastated, and it was clear to me I had hurt her badly. I thought, “This is what winning an argument feels like? This…