The Shadow Side of Love Languages
When our words and actions actually make our partner feel unloved!
Love languages, introduced by Dr. Gary Chapman in his book The Five Love Languages, have revolutionized how we understand and express love in relationships. These love languages — Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, and Physical Touch — provide a framework for individuals to communicate love effectively. However, like any powerful tool, love languages have a shadow side that can influence relationships in both subtle and profound ways.
Before we jump into them, a brief window into what I mean by shadow side and how I discovered these in my own life. When I say “shadow side” I am referring to the darkness that comes sometimes in absence and other times with intent. It is when our partner feels loved in a certain way and we not just neglect them by with holding but actively take part in words and actions that make them feel less loved.
I learned this after my 30+ year relationship started to crumble, re-reading the love languages to see what I had done wrong and realizing that my wife’s primary love language was “words of affirmation” and realizing that not only had I not been building her up but that I had been doing quite the opposite. I had been using my words to tear her down, making jokes…
