The Way Out of Narcissistic Relationships Is to Stop Understanding

….but perhaps, begin to really understand.

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By Ann Betz

….but perhaps, begin to really understand.

Four years ago, when the scales fell from my eyes and I learned that the incredible toxicity I was living in had a name (covert narcissism), I started to write about my experiences. That book, still very much in progress, is tentatively titled “Stop Understanding.”

Why? Bottom line, because I realized that my propensity for understanding was one of the main reasons I stayed with him. All the nasty toxic crap he pulled? I kept, well, understanding. And what did that understanding look like? Let me count the ways:

ONE: He was trying and failing to make it in a new career, one where I was already successful, which made him jealous. It’s hard to be gracious when you’re feeling low. I’ve been there. I understood.

TWO: He didn’t have much financial stability and money was a huge concern, which tended to make him edgy and defensive. It’s tough to worry about paying the mortgage. I know what it’s like not to have money. I understood.

THREE: He had been mistreated as a child and still carried a great deal of unresolved anger around with him, which made him lash out…