This Is the #1 Predictor of Divorce and Breakups, According to Science
Findings show the dangers of contempt, with up to 90% accuracy.
How many of you can resonate with this:
You are upset with something your partner said or did. You feel you are being accused of something you did not do. You feel your partner is being unreasonable.
We start to defend ourselves. And we start to lash out:
“Listen to what you are saying. I would never do this to you!”
In those instances, we feel superior, indignant, we subconsciously feel that we are morally better than our partner, and we act as though we are an adult lecturing a child.
It sounds like we are standing up for ourselves in desperation, but here’s the thing — you are actually trying to stand up for yourself against your partner, and you are seeing your partner as the enemy to be defeated. You feel that you are being attacked, and you need to defend yourself — you feel that you have the right to do so.
But wait — how did it end up like this?
Isn’t this your sweetheart with whom you are supposed to work things out together? How did they become your enemy?
In more serious arguments, you start to get annoyed, even disgusted by your partner’s behaviour. You start ridiculing them:
“I can’t believe you don’t know how to fix this. What’s wrong with you? I learnt it since I was in high school!”
Before you know it, this gets worse, you get into more arguments, you start to feel that your partner is not deserving of your respect, which results in more sarcasm and ridicule.
Something serious is brewing here.
You are showing contempt.
According to clinical psychologist John Gottman, who has spent years of study on the science of relationship, contempt is the one single most destructive behaviour that leads a couple towards a breakup or divorce.
When we behave contemptuously towards another person, it shows we are disgusted by them, and it often involves sarcasm, scorn, name-calling, mockery and condescension.
It conveys that we feel superior to them, and this behaviour is a deeply personal attack, which is especially cruel and hurtful towards someone who is so close to us.
Contempt is actually built up over time, and is a result of long simmering negative thoughts towards our partner. When our feelings are not resolved after disagreements, a tiny monster starts growing in our hearts — we start feeling that our partner “always” behaves in a certain way and as we increasingly become more unhappy about it, it gnaws at us, and the monster grows bigger until it unleashes its spite in the form of contemptuous behaviour.
What’s so dangerous about it is that we might not notice it in the beginning. It’s a slippery slope; a gradual process. It can start from eye-rolling, a sarcastic remark, a gradual reduction of respect towards the other party, and can often end in emotional abuse.
The consequences of contempt
Gottman refers to contempt as the “sulphuric acid for love”.
Out of the Four Horsemen (Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness and Stonewalling) of negative communication styles in a relationship, contempt is considered to be the worst, and a warning sign that a relationship might be in trouble.
Couples who exhibited behaviours of the Four Horsemen divorced an average of 5.6 years after the wedding.
Gottman has studied the behaviour and interactions with more than 3000 couples over the period of up to 20 years, interviewing them and observing them, and he has predicted with more than 90% accuracy whether a couple was headed for a long-term satisfying relationship or a breakup/divorce.
In fact, contempt is so poisonous that couples who exhibit such behaviour are found to be more likely to suffer from infectious diseases like the cold, flu, etc, when compared to couples who don’t!
Despite the dangers of contempt, it is still possible to heal your relationship, if both of you really want to put in the effort to make it work. I strongly believe that it is very dangerous to build and end our relationships based on our feelings alone, and feeling that your relationship is in a terrible place doesn’t mean it can’t be salvaged.
Love is not magic; it takes a lot of work to maintain. Compatibility is built over time and not something that just clicks.
My relationship with my husband has lingered dangerously on the edge before, and it took time for us to soften our hears towards each other.
What can you do to reduce contempt?
The best way to reduce and remove contempt from your relationship is to build a culture of appreciation, admiration and respect, according to Gottman’s research.
Of course, this is not something that can be done overnight, and it can be very difficult to appreciate your partner if you are still in that state of desperation, anger and frustration.
Here’s a short-term strategy that I’ve personally found useful whenever I feel this way:
Give yourself moments of silence to calm down and avoid making “you” statements
I have learnt over time that whenever I start to have negative thoughts and an argument is brewing, it is better to give myself some quiet time so that I can calm down first, and only talk about the disagreement when I can think with greater clarity, instead of unleashing my raw emotions on my partner — no matter how much you feel you are being real, your partner is not your punching bag and they don’t deserve to be treated so.
Also, avoid making “you” statements; it would make your partner feel like they are being attacked and they would start defending. Instead of “you always do this”, you can change it to “This makes me feel sad. It is important to me. Can we work on this?”.
After you have resolved your conflict, end it with a hug or a caress — physical touch often soften your feelings and add a positive touch to the negative interaction.
In the long run, to gradually reduce these strong feelings towards your partner during arguments so that you can successfully see your partner as your comrade who is on your side instead of your enemy, you will need to slowly build up a culture of respect and admiration to slowly heal your relationship.
Here’s two simple steps on how you can do so:
1. Regularly reminisce the good times
This can be difficult if your relationship has been on the rocks for a very long time. You might have experienced so many arguments that the good times feel so long ago.
Dig out the old photos, trigger those memories of when you fell in love with each other, when you decided that this is the person whom you want to journey with for a long time.
Recall why you loved your partner so much during your happier days. Talk about these memories. Think about those times when you have encountered tough times but you both pulled through successfully — it would build up that sense of solidarity, and remind both of you that you are comrades on the same side, and you are on the same journey together.
You might still feel frustrated at times by your partner’s flaws, but these constant reminders will remind you why you still chose to be with your partner, and that they are still worthy of admiration and respect.
These positive thoughts would invoke positive feelings towards your partner, which would translate into more positive actions towards each other. As you do this more often, gradually, the positive feelings and thoughts towards your partner would override the negative feelings, and your relationship would slowly start to heal.
2. Show little acts of appreciation every day
It could be a simple morning kiss, telling your partner how happy you are that they prepared breakfast, or motivating your partner before they/you leave for work.
I grew up in a typical Asian family in Singapore, where showing affection is not something that our parents’ generation was used to. My dad would feel doing so is being overly cheesy, and my father-in-law, who is the typical Asian patriarch of the family, feels that showing appreciation is wholly unnecessary because he believes that love is best shown through actions instead of words.
Although there’s some truth in showing love through actions, we must not forget that no one can read our minds completely, no matter how close they are to us. Our partners wouldn’t know if we are thinking, “Ahh I really appreciate that you cleaned the house today, it smells so fresh!” or “Oh, you finally cleaned the house.”
Showing your partner gratitude for the little things makes them feel appreciated. It lets them know that you actually notice these little things they do, and that you genuinely appreciate them for it.
I might know and have faith that my husband loves me, but if he does not tell me at all, or show it in affection, I would not quite feel it. Head knowledge and heart knowledge isn’t always connected — at least for me, as I’m really more of a feeler instead of a thinker.
Also, most of you are probably aware of this — the closer we are to someone, the more likely we are to take this person for granted, as we have grown to become so comfortable with them.
Showing our partner we appreciate them also reminds us that hey you know what, they don’t have to do these things for us at all, but they do it because they love us, so all the more won’t we want to tell them that we love them too?
The magic 5:1 ratio of positive vs negative interactions
I see positive and negative interactions as adding to a ‘positive piggy bank’ and a ‘negative piggy bank’ in a relationship.
Doing the above two steps regularly adds to the ‘positive piggy bank’, so that even when conflict adds to the ‘negative piggy bank’, if your ‘positive piggy bank’ is so much fuller, the negative sentiments would not shake up the relationship.
According to research, for every negative interaction during conflict, a happy and stable relationship has at least 5 positive interactions. So it really is an everyday effort to collect enough positive interactions!
Now whenever I think of our arguments, I find them sometimes so silly, especially at how we got ourselves so upset and triggered during those moments. Being able to laugh at ourselves, knowing that we have overcome these together transform those moments of conflict into happy memories over time.
A bruised and wounded relationship takes time to heal. It takes time to rebuild that trust, love and camaraderie, but it can work out bit by bit, if we set our hearts on it.
What other negative behaviours in a relationship have you experienced? Is this article useful for you? Do comment and share what you think; I would love to hear from you!
