This List of 10 Things Will Help Fix Your Relationship
And if it doesn’t, it’s time to say bye-bye.
Two Gooey Caramels
Things were not going well. We rarely made it a week without him cutting into my soul with some selfish act that left me feeling wounded by his reckless inconsideration of my feelings.
He had excuses for days, justified by feeling scared of getting hurt, wanting to take things slowly, and awkwardly learning to love again after a devastating heartbreak.
In my heart, we were like two gooey caramels on a hot summer windowsill. I confess that I loved him deeply, and it is with the deepest agony that I admit I rarely felt loved by him.
I’d like to blame it on our antipodal attachments styles. His avoidant side polarized me to an intensely anxious default, which I had never experienced before.
By the way he relentlessly chased me down after every fight and break up with teary eyes and a broken voice confessing that he simply could not let me go, I sensed that perhaps he did love me.
At least in whatever minuscule way he could.
But the moment I opened my heart back up to him, I knew disappointment was pulling on it’s usual cloak and had taken it’s place in the wings, awaiting it’s cue for it’s next big act.
And disappointment did not fail. It came again and again, hand-in-hand with his relentless failure to do the simple things that would have rendered all of our problems inconsequential.
But that would not be our story. Our story would collapse with a triad of swords to my heart. He would walk away a free man, relieved of the anxiety that he could never make me happy because he simply wasn’t good enough for me.
He will say he had done nothing wrong, that I was the crazy one who lost a man who loved her for all the right reasons.
But for me, it was impossible to tell.
What The Therapist Said
As women do, we often rehash, dissect, and lament our relationships. The current love interest, the last guy we dated, our ex from 10 years ago who never apologized for anything.
And sometimes, little gems arise from these conversations, as did one winter evening at a tea house while catching up with an old friend.
At the height of angst, my friend found herself in a therapist office opposite her fiancee, a man she had been engaged to for so long that neither of them were sure they wanted to get married anymore. Sadly, in anticipation of their marriage, they had purchased a home together, remodeled it and operated a small business together. Separating now would be an absolute disaster for both.
Professional help was the inevitable next step.
On the third session, the therapist gave them an assignment.
“Make a list of 10 things that would make you feel loved by your partner.”
I hesitate to tell how that story ended for my friend, because sadly, this marked the turning point toward a miserable separation.
He refused to make that list, which made it painfully clear that he already had one foot out the door and was not going to invest in doing any real work to save the relationship.
When I heard that assignment, my mind immediately flashed back to my beloved caramel boyfriend who I had parted ways with years before, but still couldn’t quite shake from my heart.
I had no idea what he would have put on that list.
And suddenly I wondered if he would have blanked on what I would have put on mine.
I thought he didn’t care about me. What if he didn’t understand I was telling him what I needed to feel loved— and not just creating drama?
Maybe neither of us knew how the other person needed to be loved.
Is that what ended our relationship?
If he simply didn’t know, then sadly, our relationship had been fixable. But if he knew and simply felt I wasn’t worth the effort, then walking away for good was the right move for both of us.
But in that moment, well past the expiration of a relationship that was firmly settled in it’s grave, I simply wasn’t sure.
10 Things That Make Me Feel Loved
As I drove home that evening from the tea house, I thought about what I would have put on that list.
Enough time had passed that I could think about it calmly and logically, despite the melancholy draping itself over me as I trudged the dreaded Memory Lane of Pain.
Some of the items were simple ones, like getting that good morning text or call each day, little messages throughout the day and a call in the evening to talk about our day and to connect with each other. I especially feel loved when a man plans dates with me, and I brighten up seeing a man get excited about doing things that will create amazing memories for us.
Other items referred to my love language; such as acts of service and quality time. I feel very loved and cared for when a man helps me with things around my house that need to be taken care of.
I deeply connect with a man when he is teaching me something that is of interest to me or helping me get better at something I’m working on. Finding ways to make my life easier or help me improve my life and sense of self is immeasurable in value to me and makes me feel cared for.
And then there were the big ones… the ones that would be dealbreakers. I wanted us to operate like a unit. I need to feel that my man shows solidarity with me. I didn’t want to hear stories about him acting like a “single guy” when I wasn’t around — much less witnessing it when I was with him, standing 5 feet away as my body felt crushed in hurt as he chose other people over me.
I feel loved when a man demonstrates respect for our relationship by prioritizing me and our time together. Choosing me over the adoration of the village. Taking me into consideration and wanting to connect with me in ways that make me feel valued, chosen, and adored.
I rarely felt that. Which was a fatal flaw. Thus, the breakup.
Other items had to do with addressing major problems we had that caused massive damage to my sense of trust in him. I no longer felt safe or secure with him. In order to restore that, I needed him to apologize sincerely when I felt hurt, take ownership, and make steps to restore our relationship.
I commit to doing the inner work when my personal issues interfere with my relationship — I needed my partner to do the same.
Those efforts show me that I am loved enough to put in the hard work of being a better man.
It’s not just what they do wrong
The last item on my list was different. It something he had done often, and it was something that delighted my heart each time.
It’s important to show people that they are doing something right and to say YES — I love this and it makes me feel loved, so please keep doing it and feel free to do more of it! :)
I loved that he often showed sincere interest in what I was working on. If I was creating a training module for work, he would come over and want to see what I was making and how I was doing it. He loved reading new chapters of a novel I was writing and I delighted in hearing his feedback.
I feel very loved when someone is interested in what is important to me and what I invest my time and energy into. Read my stories. Ask about what I am learning or studying. Tell me you want to come watch me dance one night. Ask for my insight or expertise. Show me that you value my input, opinion or are curious about my feelings or reactions.
When you make your list, especially if you are sharing it with someone in a time of derailment, make sure you include things that they do right. Avoid delivering a thinly veiled list of ten ways they have failed you.
Keep the focus on what you want to see more of — even if it only happened once, a long, long time ago.
The Operations Manual for your next relationship
At the time, I wondered if that old relationship could be resurrected if we sat down and said, let’s each make our list and talk about it. Let’s see if we can give each other what the other person needs.
The idea scared me. I suspected I would be left staring at his footprints in the sand instead of a list he put together.
And that is worth noting. Not every relationship should be saved, because they do take work. Relationships are only difficult when only one person is doing the work. Two people can easily move a sofa. One person doing it will probably get injured, exhausted or fail altogether.
Relationships are the same way.
But I made my list anyway. Short and succinct. Took 5 minutes.
That man will never see that list. But it served as a perfect Operations Manual for my next boyfriend, which I was able to convey to him over the first few weeks of dating him.
Making that list helped me get super clear about what I needed in a relationship from my new boyfriend. My willingness to talk openly about what works really well for me and what makes me feel safe, secure and connected to a man set the stage perfectly for the new bond we were forming.
He knew exactly what would delight me and leave me feeling happy.
And it started with me getting really clear on it first.
Odd things that might make the list
That list will help fix a relationship that has derailed, and if two people are willing to do the work, it can definitely save it, as it will bring much needed clarity and clear direction on what each person needs.
Men tend to respond very well to exceptionally clear direction. :)
And it goes both ways — women should never assume they know what their man needs to truly feel loved. We need to vet it out and seek to understand what they need beyond food, attention, respect and sex.
One boyfriend felt super loved when I scratched his back every night without him having to ask for it. Another felt loved when I dressed up for him or helped him with whatever he was fixing or working on. One felt loved when he got little messages from me throughout the day or shared space with him, even if all we were doing was working in the same room and not engaging much.
We don’t always realize how much small things can make one feel loved.
It’s often things we overlook, take for granted, or dismiss.
Helping your partner win
Take the time to figure out the big — and small — things that will make you list. And then be ready to share them at the start of a new relationship so your person knows how to succeed in winning your heart — and getting it back on track if things derail.
If your person doesn’t know how to win with you, then failure is inevitable.
It starts by knowing what you need first. Go make your list. ❤
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