All Narcissists Do These Three Things When They Find New Supply
This is the pathology behind it and how it leads to your discard.
Infidelity is part of a narcissist’s MO.
I was triangulated in every relationship I was in with a narcissist, it didn’t matter the type. Because the truth is narcissists will always have a replacement lined up, in the event the relationship doesn’t work out.
And it won’t.
But it was when I looked back on all of my narcissistic relationships that I realized they each followed the same exact pattern of behaviors that appear once they’d found new supply.
Here they are, stage by stage.
1. The Bread Crumbing Begins
Narcissists can breadcrumb for many different reasons and at different points in your relationship for reasons I’ll get into in another article.
But narcissists will always begin the breadcrumbing process (or reignite it) when they’re in the love-bombing phase with the new supply.
How else can they portray themselves as the partner of the new supply’s dreams if they don’t make the time or effort to pull off the act?
Through breadcrumbing, the narcissist gets to give you just enough to keep you in place while over-pouring into someone completely different, in order to secure them.
They usually pull this off without much of a fight on your end because narcissists will offer very valid excuses to pull this off.
Excuses such as —
- working late/working overtime (this is notorious)
- texting/calling you much less (because they’re “busier”)
- making less time to spend with you
My ex, Jamel, from the following story:
He knew I would understand this because I’ve been around his family. This excuse was super believable because I knew these people and witnessed their abuse of him (and eventually me).
What I didn’t know was that my replacement worked with him
Jamel was a DSP worker in a residential home for the elderly. He worked from 11 pm to 9 am, Saturday — Tuesday.
Basically, he spent his nights in a house with other workers since the residents were mainly in bed by 10. That’s a lot of play-time and he used it as such (he got her pregnant).
I would find out that they were basically playing house (since they worked in one) where she would make him breakfast and they would flirt on the job.
(Early into the relationship he was supposed to bring me by for a Halloween party where you could bring your spouses. Out of nowhere, he changed his mind about both of us going and never wanted me up at that job, at all.
She was why.)
Jamel began blowing off our dates to “go in for work” knowing I’d never say no or complain about that since it involved his livelihood. But then he started calling me less and less.
Jamel liked to talk on the phone for hours every single day, all throughout the day. He prided me on being one of the only women he dated that had no issue with this. I was praised for my availability
(Do not forget I said this).
This was a specific behavior that he consistently displayed throughout the majority of the relationship so this particular change in his behavioral pattern was completely out of character.
He was also too tired to have sex sometimes.
All of these are forms of breadcrumbing, especially for people like me whose core love language is quality time (and he knew that).
The closer the narcissist gets to the new supply the more you will be breadcrumbed. It’ll be no surprise the narcissist will become so distant it’ll feel like you’re in the relationship by yourself. Completely alone.
This blends directly into the next stage.
2. Your Devaluation Will Either Begin (or Worsen)
My issue with the cycle of narcissistic relationships is that they’re often portrayed as —
- love-bombing
- devaluation
- discard-
- rinse and repeat
But they keep leaving out the fact that the new supply (as well as the hunt for one) is the driving force behind the activation of these stages and the order they go in.
The devaluation phase, as it relates to your triangulation, takes place for two reasons:
- You’ve started expressing suspicion
If you start suspecting they’re cheating, or even dare to ask them about it, you will be devalued for the simple fact that you’ve caught on.
Remember how I just told you I was praised for my availability? Well, this is when I was devalued because of it. I was told I had too much time on my hands and that’s why I can’t respect his worth ethic.
I was also told that it was because I didn’t have a job that I couldn’t understand the importance of him having to work overtime. I discuss this aspect of our relationship,
In the following article:
The devaluation got so bad that it got to where Jamel told me I added no value to his life. He also stated —
All you care about is us and making this relationship work. I want money. All I want to do is focus on making money. I don’t have time for a relationship.
The other reason for your devaluation is because,
2. They’re idealizing the new supply
They’re drawing comparisons.
In fact, if you really pay close attention this is actually when the narcissist reveals they are triangulating you with someone else for the simple fact that they will pick at very specific things about you.
- you either lack that the new supply has, or that
- you have that they’re glad the new supply doesn’t
I was being devalued because I didn’t have a job.
Not just any job, a “real” job — a standard 9 to 5.
I was working on my writing at the time and building my portfolio. I was working but I wasn’t making income with my material — yet.
The new supply had a job with —
- a 401k
- insurance coverage, and
- benefits
He verbalized how a woman with those qualities is a more secure option because they’re reliable in the event of any future emergency. This was a warning shot I didn’t catch onto, at first.
I also have very short hair (a pixie cut).
(I would find out through a family member that the ex he discarded right before me had cut her hair the same way in their last few months together).
He loved that about me, initially, but started asking me —
Are you ever gonna let your hair grow?
Have you thought about growing your hair back out?
I stuck to the look I loved, regardless.
So, my replacement had long hair.
Though it is quite painful to experience, this stage in the triangulation process is your best indicator that you are in fact being cheated on. It also blends directly into the next stage of your triangulation.
3. You’re Being Smeared (to Everyone)
The smear campaign is a preparation method.
It’s actually the narcissist’s most important tool in your,
- triangulation
- devaluation, and
- discard
During your triangulation, the smear campaign is designed to make the new supply's entrance into the equation easier, without —
- raising too many questions
- connecting too many dots, or
- raising any suspicions of cheating
This is about preparing to have their circle embrace the new supply, as they work behind the scenes to get rid of you.
In order to do this you have to be devalued and painted as the villain because now the new supply will come off as the better partner for your narcissist. Smear campaigns and devaluation go hand-in-hand.
One cannot exist without the other because devaluing you is the only way to conduct a smear campaign.
Devaluation is a form of smear campaigning that is done right to your face. I expose the process of devaluation I went through with Jamel,
In this article:
I would learn the painful way that those same disparaging remarks they’re making to you are being relayed to others behind your back,
Including the new supply.
The point is to make you look bad to make sure the flying monkeys accept them much easier, and this will be achieved off of the strength of their newfound dislike of you. Based on qualities the narcissist is highlighting as negative.
Yes — You’re on the Road to Being Discarded
When the narcissist begins to smear your name others' behaviors toward you will change.
Jamel was telling his family that I was cheating on him and refused to get a job because I was relying on him financially. Both of these accusations were grossly untrue. But they believed it,
And it showed.
In my case, certain family members started getting distant. Others began boldly disrespecting me to my face or refused to acknowledge me when I was in the room (or said ”hello”).
By this point, most of the narcissist’s family and friends will be introduced or alerted to the existence of the new supply.
They will welcome (and side with) the new supply, falsely believing you deserved your devaluation, discard, and smear campaign.
Some of Jamels’ family members knew about the new supply and said nothing, in support of it because my reputation had been tarnished.
(His brother even accompanied him on a date night where he brought another woman.)
This makes the triangulation (and your subsequent discard) smoother to carry out because the replacement will now be viewed as the “breath of fresh air” that was needed after your “suffocating” presence.
This is your replacement’s way in.
© Linda Sharp 2022. All Rights Reserved.
