Try this for Relationship Transformation
If you truly want to change something about your partner, the best way about that is to love them for being the way they are.
How often do we judge ourselves or others for something?
How often do we want to change something about someone — be it ourselves or someone else?
There’s nothing wrong with judgement. It’s just that it is a rather ineffective change agent.
It makes us feel guilty afterwards and it doesn’t actually result in the change we want to see in ourselves or someone else.
A far more powerful and effective change agent is love.
Let’s say we want someone to wash the dishes but they aren’t doing it. So in our mind, we have created an image of what they “should” be like and are now filtering them through that perception.
When they don’t meet that expectation, we then find ourselves upset and far from at peace. On top of this, the other person can feel our upset and the subtle pressure of expectation.
Unconsciously, the other person resists the pressure we place on them to be a certain way.
Even if they agree with us and want to do the thing we are pressing them to do, they will find it more strenuous to agree with us because of the way we come across.
When we feel like our freedom is being constrained, we push back.
They may very well actually want to help out with the dishes but because we are telling them to do it in a forceful way, they resist this attempt at control on our end.
Then, we may very well get into a heated stand-off depending on the nature of the two personas at play here.
In short, anytime we expect and pressure someone about anything, we are less likely to see the results we’d like to and more likely to generate friction in the relationship.
There is a surprisingly simple antidote to this which allows everyone involved to enjoy life more.
Instead of wanting to change something about the other person, we are free to counter-intuitively love them for it.
Even if it’s so-called “bad”; to make such a claim is to form a conclusion with limited information or in other words, this label is a judgement.
How would you feel if you were just loved for the way you are? Would you feel resistant or would you feel free and empowered?
When we feel supported in this way, we feel empowered and free to choose. When we feel free to choose and fully supported, we just can’t help ourselves but want to give back to whoever is supporting us. If they ask something, we are happy to accommodate.
We are happy to be able to wash the dishes and help out or Grandma when she lovingly asks us to help.
You can give this gift to anyone you would like. Just picture someone in mind and find something you’d like to change about them if you’re honest with yourself. Then, you can ask yourself a simple question:
“Could I love them for this — just for fun, to see what would happen?”
If you love them for it in order to change them, then you are not really loving them for it. The intention must be pure in order for this to work. Moreover when the intention is just love, even if they stay then it is no longer upsetting or a problem.
Love does not discriminate, it shines equally upon all just as sunlight illuminates everything it touches equally.
At the same time, it is very powerful to apply this to yourself and the areas which bring up any sort of upset, agitation, or desire to change something.
For example, a question that is helpful in general is:
“Could I love myself for feeling afraid?”
“Could I love myself for that judgement?”
It’s always available as an option to simply love ourselves for something we didn’t like about ourselves in the past.
Life is a lot more enjoyable when we love everything and everyone for being the way it is and let go of wanting to change anything.
In the light of love, everything melts and only love remains.
I made a 20-minute podcast episode that you can use to really play around with this exercise. As you listen, stuff tends to automatically happen. To make the most of this, just open up as much as you can to whatever arises inside you — just sit back, relax, and enjoy the show.
In my experience, love doesn’t take effort — it only takes willingness. In an instant, love can illuminate an area and reveal a very different perspective.
I highly recommend playing around with this and seeing what happens in your life.