Understanding the Avoidant Attachment Style — 7 Signs You’re Avoidantly Attached in Relationships
The Dismissive Avoidant attachment style is marked by a strong desire for independence and self-reliance in relationships. Individuals with this style often unconsciously downplay their need for emotional connection and may appear emotionally distant.
They tend to prioritize personal space and autonomy, sometimes at the expense of intimacy, making it challenging for their partners to establish deep emotional bonds.
In this article, we will go over:
What Exactly is an Attachment Style — A brief overview of attachment theory
Secure vs. Insecure Attachment — The fundamental differences between secure and insecure worldviews
7 Signs of Dismissive Avoidant Attachment — How to recognize this attachment style in yourself or your partner
Is Attachment Theory Valid — A brief look at the history and scientific validity of attachment theory
What Exactly is An Attachment Style?
Attachment styles are the ways we learn to connect with and depend on others during our formative years.
You can think of them as strategies you developed throughout your childhood to protect yourself — mentally, physically and emotionally — and get your needs met in the environment you grew up in.
Your attachment style is not an innate trait, but a learned mechanism that evolved and adapted over time based on what worked best in your unique circumstances.
As you grew up, these approaches became more sophisticated and, through constant repetition and emotional reinforcement, they became habitual ways of thinking, feeling, behaving and responding.
These learned approaches shape our self-image, guide our interactions, and leave a lasting impact on our relationships and personal well-being. There are four main attachment styles: Secure, Anxious Preoccupied, Dismissive Avoidant, and Fearful Avoidant.
These styles significantly influence how we perceive ourselves and others, ultimately shaping the quality of our connections and overall life experiences.
Our attachment styles show up most noticeably in our romantic relationships, where we tend to feel the most vulnerable. However, they also affect every other area of life, including our friendships, career, mental and physical health, finances, and spirituality, as well as our overall worldview and our relationship to authority.
Secure vs. Insecure Attachment
Individuals who have developed a secure attachment style often experience a deep sense of self-assuredness and empathy, not just towards themselves but also towards others in their lives. This emotional self-assurance becomes a firm cornerstone for their relationships.
This internal security enables them to place trust in their own value as well as the intentions of their partners. As a result, their relationships tend to be more fulfilling and harmonious, marked by a noticeable absence of the fear, anxiety, and mistrust that can pervade less secure connections.
In contrast, those who identify with one of the three insecure attachment styles — Anxious Preoccupied, Dismissive Avoidant, or Fearful Avoidant — often grapple with a host of challenging emotions. These emotions can include anger, shame, guilt, fear, mistrust, and anxiety, which can cloud their perceptions of both themselves and the people they’re involved with.
This emotional turbulence can create a barrier to genuine relaxation in relationships and cast doubt on the intentions of others. Individuals with these attachment styles frequently find themselves wrestling with questions about their own worth and desirability, leading to more complex and sometimes painful relationship dynamics.
7 Signs You May Have an Avoidant Attachment Style
Having a dismissive avoidant attachment style often leads to an entirely different experience in relationships.
If you lean towards this attachment style, you tend to prioritize independence and self-sufficiency. Emotional distance can be your comfort zone, making you appear unbothered by the need for emotional closeness. You may find yourself downplaying your need for intimacy, sometimes at the expense of genuine connection.
You tend to value personal space and autonomy, which may leave your partners feeling like they’re struggling to establish a deeper emotional connection with you.
Here are 7 signs to consider if you think you may have a Dismissive Avoidant attachment style.
1. Emotions are not your strong suit
You may be quite sensitive but you tend to be detached from your own emotions. You find it hard to recognize what you’re feeling.
At times, you may feel nothing when you should technically be feeling something (e.g. rage, grief, heartache ).
You may often minimize or dismiss your own or other people’s negative emotions when you think it doesn’t make sense to feel that way.
Your responses may sound like:
“It’s fine. It’s not a big deal. It’s better this way. I prefer this. This is actually a good thing. They’re overreacting. They just want attention. Look on the bright side…Whatever. I don’t care. I don’t give a fuck. It’s not important.”
You struggle to read and interpret other people’s emotions. Other people’s emotions may seem irrational or perplexing to you. You often think they are overreacting.
You have low emotional bandwidth and prefer to connect with people intellectually, socially or physically rather than emotionally.
Others might describe you as either cold, detached and unavailable or positive, chill, easygoing and the life of the party.
2. You don’t show vulnerability
You perceive yourself as emotionally stable. You don’t experience many highs and lows. When others ask you to open up emotionally, you feel uncomfortable because you don’t really know how to respond.
You rarely feel vulnerable and tend to be critical of people who appear to broadcast their negative emotions and play the victim.
You tend to feel shame and disgust around your more tender feelings because you associate vulnerability with weakness. You may also believe that it is not safe or okay to be vulnerable around others.
You prefer to deal with your feelings on your own, usually in practical or escapist ways. You may believe that turning to others for comfort is selfish, rude or burdensome, so you prefer not to bother them. Alternatively, it may not even occur to you that you can seek emotional comfort from others.
In a relationship, you may believe that the kind, loving thing to do is not to put your problems on others, show weakness, so you may keep things to yourself, even when your partner asks you to share.
3. You are extremely independent and protective of your space
You learned to rely on yourself early on, so you feel a strong need to be in control of your time and resources. It is hard for you to accommodate and make joint decisions with others.
You may have a very particular routine or lifestyle that keeps you grounded, so having someone around who disrupts it is very stressful for you.
Even when you really like someone and enjoy being with them, you don’t need to spend that much time with them.
It takes you a long time to integrate another person into your life.
4. You often feel like you can’t “do” relationships
You may hold one of these beliefs about relationships
a) You don’t want a serious relationship. You are afraid of losing yourself, your independence, autonomy and freedom in a romantic relationship. As a result, you may fear commitment.
You prefer to keep things casual and start feeling restless, suffocated and trapped when things get serious, causing you to lose interest or find flaws with your partner.
b) You do want a serious relationship. You like the security and companionship of a committed relationship but still need a lot of space for yourself.
When it comes to quality time and emotional connection, you may feel like your partner always wants more than you know how to provide. Even when you show up to the best of your ability, you can’t seem to get it right and may develop a “why bother” attitude.
5. You tend to show love in practical ways
You may not be the most expressive person, but you show your love for people in practical ways, often through acts of service or gifts.
You are happy to take care of their practical needs — cook dinner, give them a ride, fix their laptop — but don’t really know how to support them emotionally.
When people come to you with emotional problems, you assume they are looking for a logical solution because that is how you usually deal with your own feelings.
6. You need your creature comforts
You keep yourself grounded through TV, books, video games, routines, work, parties, sex or having lots of fun activities planned.
You need a lot of time for these things and feel uneasy or restless when you can’t access them.
You may struggle with substance abuse or addiction.
7. You can’t stand conflict and tend to shut down when it happens
You avoid conflict at all costs. You may prefer to brush problems aside and dismiss other people’s complaints about the relationship.
When things get heated, you tend to get overwhelmed, so you automatically shut down, dissociate or withdraw.
To end a conflict, you may appease people by letting them have their way or telling them what they want to hear in the moment because you struggle to make a case for yourself.
Is Attachment Theory Valid?
Attachment theory is considered a valid and well-established framework for understanding human development and relationships.
Dr. John Bowlby originally developed the theory in the 1950s and 60s and it was further reinforced, modified and expanded on by other psychologists in the field, such as Mary Ainsworth, Mary Main, Hary Harlow and Patricia Crittendon.
It has been widely researched, tested, and applied in various contexts across cultures since its original conception.
Of course, researchers continue to explore and refine the theory, allowing room for ongoing discussions and developments in the field.
Conclusion
The four attachment styles are not neat little boxes we can pigeonhole people into. Each attachment style is nuanced, complex and dynamic. It exists on a broad spectrum and can manifest differently in different people.
While I have given you a general overview of the Dismissive Avoidant attachment style, keep in mind that these are common characteristics that avoidantly attached individuals tend to have. It is not an exhaustive list and you may not identify with every single point.
Furthermore, you may also relate to some or all of these traits if you have a Fearful Avoidant attachment style, which I will expand on in a future post.
If you recognize yourself in the description offered in this article and would like to move towards a more secure style of relating to others, know that attachment styles are not set in stone. With conscious work, you can open yourself up to the richness of your emotional world and create more intimacy in your relationships with others.
Hi, I’m Noemi, a certified relationship coach. I help you understand your patterns and cultivate self-love, confidence, and compassion to create the deep, fulfilling conscious relationships your heart desires.
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