Do You Want More Interesting Sex With More Interesting People?
Elle Silver writes about being a celibate sex writer, hanging out with models in Barcelona and writing for Spanish Playboy. You can imagine how often she was hit on.
She writes that it was twenty years ago. My own early experiences with sexual pressure was longer ago than that. Post sexual revolution, but it seems pre-historic. Except, the more things change, the more they stay the same.
However, this isn’t a rant against sex. I love sex. I’ve often said most of my regrets are about the sex I turned down. Except for those who assumed sex on the first meeting. I don’t regret saying no to those people.
Why? Because, frankly, it isn’t flattering. Not really. You think I’m hot, and I’m not so insecure as to not believe you. Even now. But if that’s all you focus on, then you don’t really want me. Any hot person will do for you. Which isn’t flattering at all.
That really says it all. You may want my body, and I may want yours, but if we don’t each actually want the whole person, then we are interchangeable.to one another. And that feels lonely.
I remember thinking during a one-night stand many years ago, after a devastating divorce, “This guy doesn’t even know me. What am I doing?” What I was doing was attempting to ease my pain with mindless sex. I felt terribly lonely during and after.
What doesn’t feel lonely? Sex with someone I like. Which means getting to know that person, at least enough to enjoy being with them. Frankly, it means you getting to know me, too. Sex with someone I truly like feels fun, freeing, joyous, hot. Sex with someone I don’t know may feel hot, but nearly always lonely.
There’s enough loneliness in the world without having to go searching for it, online or otherwise. What I want, as do many others, is connection. Even short-lived, as in weeks or months. Connection doesn’t happen in a couple of hours.
Yes, chemistry can make you think there’s a connection. I’ve written about chemistry, and how it can fool us. It’s happened to me before that I have sex with someone because the chemistry is overwhelming, and then find out we have little in common and not much else to share.
Sometimes chemistry can be the push we need to enter into a relationship, but it’s never the only reason to stay in one.
“So, that’s fine if you’re looking for a relationship,” you may say, “But what if you aren’t?” Even so, sex when you first meet can be satisfying on one level, but still lonely and depleting on another. Again, why would we want to increase our feelings of loneliness, especially now?
Earlier in my life, pre-internet, the pressure came in dance clubs and bars, and frankly most places people meet. Now, it happens on first dates with online contacts. I’ve thought often and deeply about what causes people, and sadly, especially guys in my experience, to put this kind of pressure on someone on a first date or meeting. I still don’t know.
Maybe it’s that the men online are just there for hook-ups. If so, it’s best to say that upfront. There are women and other men online fot the same thing, so honesty likely means greater success toward your copulation goals.
The guys that weird me out are the ones who profess to want a relationship, but it’s all about sex from the first moment of meeting, or before. On the meet date, they generally make it known in the first 30 minutes. Seriously, my dudes? There’s so much I don’t know about you, and so much you don’t know about me. Is that mystery the draw for you?
Anonymous sex, or the zipless fuck, as we knew it a la Erica Jong’s “Fear of Flying,” can be exhilarating. The jolt of chemistry with a new partner can be electrifying. What it isn’t, is satisfying on a deeper level. It may be hot, or it may be a big disappointment. It may be exciting, but ultimately lonely. And, of course, it isn’t safe on many levels, which can be part of the thrill. Is that thrill worth it, though?
Where, you may ask, does the person being interesting come in? I’m not saying the people you fall into bed with aren’t interesting. What I’m saying is, you can’t possibly know if they are. One evening’s conversation isn’t enough to know if someone can hold your interest for more than one night. If you’ve ever been in a long-term relationship, you know there are things you discover about your lover months, and even years into the relationship. There are more things you discover during a divorce, but that’s another article.
If you want someone who can entertain you, make you laugh, and hold your interest over breakfast, don’t suggest sex to them over drinks or dinner. Make them wonder about you a little. Mystery works both directions in attraction.
Instead of pressuring someone for sex right away, try capturing their attention and interest. Tell funny stories and interesting anecdotes. Ask them what makes their heart sing, and what they do to relax. Flirt, but don’t pressure. Innuendo and flirting is fun. Pressure isn’t.