What Everyone Needs In A Relationship
Even when they don’t know that they need it
Relationships from friendships to partners bring us some form of happiness. Yet at the same time, relationships are also the source of our greatest distress.
Most times when clients seek counselling it is either directly or indirectly connected to relationship challenges.
There is a plethora of information available on relationships, yet we all face challenges in our relationships on occassions.
There is often the focus on finding the right partner or having the right friends to support you. Much time is focused on building sexual prowess, and while this is an important factor, finding and doing all these things in and of itself without this important factor may still not produce the relationship satisfaction sought.
Over time I have realized that compatability, love, sex and all these combinations cannot lead to relationship satisfaction without this key factor — understanding.
As humans, no matter who you are, above it all, you want to be understood. When you are understood it opens the door for love, happiness and connections that allow you to flourish.
Stephen R.Covey, in his book — 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, has identified “Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood’’ as the fifth habit to allow a truly fulfilling life.
We are selfish beings and so we want what we want, and we may read this and decide to show your partner and say “You see, I have been telling you all along that you need to understand me”. However, rather than focus on being understood, demonstrate it and as you do so, you will find that your partner also begins to take the time to understand you.
Understanding doesn’t occur over night, and it will involve accepting things about others that you don’t completely understand, yet through understanding, acceptance is borne and by doing so, it opens up relationships with your family , friends and mates to thrive and produce the satisfaction you long for.
What then does understanding look like, as one of the key factors for relationship satisfaction?
Taking the time to listen to the other person, without thinking about what you want to say.
Effective communication isn’t about talking, but about listening to the person and truly being attentive to what they are saying without attempting to respond. Through attentive listening, you can understand so much about someone.
Spending time with the person pursuing their interest even if it isn’t something you like much
You may at times find yourself lending support to someone though it isn’t your area of interest, yet demonstrating care in action is an avenue of showing understanding.
Loving and accepting the person as they are without attempting to tell them on every occasion the things they need to change.
We have all been guilty of wanting to change someone.
“If only they will do this, then it will be better”.
Yet so many times the person who we should always and only focus on changing is — ourselves.
Change and growth can only occur when you engage in self reflection of your own volition and make the necessary changes of your own choosing. Even if others don’t change, it’s not our responsibility to focus on changing anyone, except ourselves if we believe we need to do so.
Offering support without being asked in things that matter to the person
We live in a give me society “what can I get from this”, is usually the unconscious thought that we may have. When we can take the time to assist someone without being asked, it shows that you have an understanding of their needs.
Loving unconditionally
Love that is unconditional, doesn’t love if you get everything right, or if you don’t make mistakes. Even when you do mess up, the person will still love and accept you without conditions. This in no way means you subject yourself to abuse of any form, the unconditional love referred to here, is loving just as you are and understanding your emotional needs and contributing to meeting them in whatever way you can.
Relationships are complex and intertwined, yet the foundation for a satisfying relationship is learning about the other person.
It doesn’t happen in isolation of communication, love, respect and all the other factors that contribute to a lasting relationship, but it sets the important foundation for these other areas.
So next time you meet someone in your inner circle that you care about, seek first to understand and then you in turn will get the understanding that you need, to thrive in the relationship.
