What Happened to My Sex Life After I Stopped Dating Other Men
I haven’t published in a long time, mostly because I haven’t dated in the last six months. During this time, I’ve noticed subtle yet significant changes in both myself and my relationship. Ironically, it wasn’t until I re-entered the dating world that these changes became clear. The contrast of a new fling jolted me from a sort of slumber, revealing how my behavior and relationship dynamics had shifted.
1. I Became a Less Relaxed Partner
New Relationship Energy (NRE) brings an exhilarating rush of excitement and dopamine, making everything feel effortless. When I’m high on NRE, I laugh more, feel giddy, and am more playful. This version of me is relaxed, joking, teasing, and flirting with my partner. And he loves me when I’m like this. On the flip side, my old (regular) self is a bit less patient and at times quicker to snap, which became apparent to me the instant someone new walked into my life.
You might think, “Why not just channel that energy every day? You won’t need a fling alongside your relationship.” I’ve tried to keep the spark alive with various efforts, but over time, we often fall back into our comfortable routine.
2. We Have Less Sex When I Don’t Date
Absurdly, we have less sex even though we focus more on one another and technically have more time and energy to do so. For the most part, this is down to biology. As an article from Psychology Today nicely wraps up, it is quite natural for a wife’s sex drive to decline over the first five years of marriage (while the husband’s drive remains unchanged). This is explained by a heightened sex drive at the very beginning of a passionate courtship.
In that sense, a date stimulates my libido — quite heavily. The thrill of it all spills over into my relationship, leading to almost twice as much sex as when I’m not dating (perks of my menstrual app keeping score). The date brings my sex drive back to the higher levels I had when I had just fallen in love with my partner. For me, the tricky part was using that biological perk without losing sight of what it means. The lust sparked by someone outside my relationship initially concerned me. I used to question if it was right to sleep with my boyfriend when it was the date who had turned me on. Once I separated the moral question from the biological one, it became much easier to decide that, personally, it didn’t matter who turned me on. What matters is that during sex, I’m present with the person in the room, and that person alone. Eventually, I came to recognize the increased desire as the biggest perk of my open relationship.
3. I Stopped Overcompensating Because I Didn’t Have To
When I go out on dates, I have to make an effort. It’s not just a bit of makeup, a sexy dress, and some heels I’m talking about — it’s also the quality time that I’m not spending with my partner. So I overcompensate. This was something that threw me off at the very beginning of the open relationship because I would feel guilty for putting time and effort into a stranger when I didn’t do the same for my home team. Over the years, I learned that overcompensation is quite common behavior in the ENM community, and I normalized it as a healthy way to balance relationship and fling. But without a fling, I didn’t have to overcompensate, and we quickly fell behind on keeping up with regular date nights and creating small, special moments.
4. Dating Others Made Me Appreciate My Partner More
Finally, dating others provides a comparison that often leaves me appreciating my partner even more. While comparing can be a double-edged sword, it generally highlights my partner’s qualities in a positive light. Each time I deal with the unreliability and drama of the dating world, it’s like a reality check, reminding me not to take him for granted.
