What Makes Relationships So Difficult?

I don’t know about men, this is for women only!

Is it really that hard to find someone that you will not want to change anything about him? Or is it us (women) who have high expectations?

We seek for a better life with someone who could “hurt” us at the same time. (knowing that it’s impossible) Not that we are aware of our desire to be hurt, but women are more likely to get attracted by men who are moody, passionate, loner or complicated. Surprisingly, these are the traits that give us really hard times. So, this choice of men bring unstable yet highly attached relationship. This choice is less painful only if you are aware of choosing that life. Otherwise, it’s a total misery. In this type of relationship, women generally find someone who could remind them their parent’s relationship. It’s either similar to her father’s behaviors towards her or similar to her father’s relationship with her mother and she ends up imitating similar things in her own relationship too. What makes this choice so attractive is the familiarity itself. This is what she saw in her childhood and therefore it’s “safe”.

There is also another kind of choice that women decide with their minds and a little bit of their hearts. This choice can be easier for people who are able to fool themselves, pretend (not in a negative sense) to be in love with a person who are right for them. This choice would never disappoint you until you meet with a type 1 person I told you above. Then you would have to keep reminding yourself that your “right” choice would be a great father of your children and he would never let you down and bla bla… more boring stuff. The hardest part starts when you figure out that noone is easy and even you “right” choice isn’t easy. This time, you start questioning “is my “right choice worth this struggle? Because peace was the first reason why I chose this person in the first place.” In this type of relationship, women try to eliminate the possible parental effects while choosing a mate.

So, how this should be? There must be someone who could meet all the needs. But as far as I’ve seen (not that I live long enough but I’m 27 and I have lots of friends whom I gather lots of insights :)) there is no such thing. Because most of the people have chaotic childhoods which make them look for a chaotic relationships.

So, we need to choose; we can either be under the impact of our chaotic parents while finding a partner which generally result in feeling familiar and safe but turbulent at the same time, or we can get rid of parental impacts and try to adjust to a relationship which doesn’t feel like ours but more peaceful at the same time.

The best we can do is to decide what our deprivation will be about.

This is not a pessimist thought but a realistic one. To talk about more pleasant thoughts after showing the horrible sides, I can say that no choice would be regretful or suffering if you are aware of what you’re chosing and shape your expectations accordingly. For example, if you are to choose a chaotic relationship, adjust your expectations in a way that you wouldn’t get hurt or tired. If you are to choose a man who is a perfect father and who value you but makes you feel unexcited, adjust your expectations, don’t look for excitement.

Life is not about finding some perfect match and live a fairy tale as we thought in the our childhoods. No one is a perfect match until we think of them like that. We make our lives, we choose out mates. Just be aware and in control. But most importantly, be adjustable!