What to Do When She’s a ‘No’ to Intimacy and How to Reignite the Spark in Your Relationship

How to Reignite the Spark in Your Relationship

It’s well-known that even excellent business leaders who regularly beat earnings estimates find themselves facing the cold shoulder at home.

Let’s face it: relational health for founders, tech leaders, and investors is not high on the priority list when you’re trying to keep a company afloat.

So it’s no surprise that after a few years, you may find yourself stuck in this common intimacy dilemma:

- When you initiate with her, she’s a ‘no’.

- When you do nothing to ‘give her space’, then she’s also a ‘no’.

In other words: no matter what you do, nothing happens — she never comes towards you.

Sound familiar?

You’re not alone. I’ve heard this from hundreds of smart, caring men.

So then, how to reignite the spark in your relationship?

What to do When She’s a ‘No’ to Intimacy

Here are 2 simple steps to get out of this seemingly impossible bind:

1) Take sex off the table for a set period of time (1 month, let’s say) — and — here’s the key — you must tell her you’re doing that. Being explicit is essential here!

I realize that this may seem like adding insult to injury — but you weren’t having the sex you want anyway, so I promise this is well worth the effort.

I’ll let you in on a secret: many women have stopped coming toward their man because they fear that any overture will lead to expectations of sex.

Also: she really doesn’t like disappointing you. She’s tired of saying ‘no’, but she doesn’t want to say a reluctant ‘yes’, either.

She may additionally be feeling guilty and wish she could meet you in your desire, but she doesn’t know how.

When you tell her that sex is off the table, it gives her permission to come toward you and be affectionate without worry.

She will feel a big weight and pressure lifted.

And guess what? When those are lifted, and she spends time in play and non-sexual connection with you, it may very well turn her on.

Because being in her body in connection and delight create the conditions for her desire to ignite.

But don’t do this practice with a hidden agenda of it needing to lead to ‘turn-on.’

Do it from a place of discovering how to delight in each other without it needing to go anywhere.

If you don’t know how to do that, I’ve got an arsenal of playful practices that my couples love to learn (you can learn some in my Neo-Tantra Foundations course).

2) Then, initiate — but not sex. Initiate a fun non-sexual intimacy game with her that’s sincerely not meant to lead to sex.

These are things I teach my clients all the time, and it has couples laughing and having fun again even when they haven’t made love in 10 years. It allows desire to come back, for both people, and reignites the spark.

And yes… this will require that you as a man handle your frustration and turn-on on your own for a little while longer — but even that can be an empowering adventure if you do it the neo-tantric way.

To be clear: just because you’re not having sex and not leading up to sex, don’t let the affection die.

Flirt with her, court her, compliment her — and cuddle, massage, caress and play with each other.

If you’re up for it: take partner dance classes.

That’s how to reignite the spark in your relationship.

Don’t Throw the Baby Out with the Bath Water

I understand that me telling you how to reignite the spark in your relationship might bring up the sense of ‘but I’m already doing everything, why do I have to do even more?’.

Here’s the reality of the world we live in: women have been highly shamed and told they shouldn’t like or want sex.

We’ve been told it’s uncouth, regrettable, and only for procreation.

We haven’t been given permission to be in pleasure — quite the opposite — or to cultivate an erotic life. That’s nowhere on the list of wifely ‘duties’.

So, it helps if you lead the way.

Start by taking things off her plate so she can have time to reconnect to herself as an erotic being.

Then, reconnect through non-sexual, but still sensual, touch.

Eventually, you might want to talk about sex more: get curious about what’s holding her back.

• It might be shame or embarrassment.
• It might be that she wants to ask for something different in sex, but she doesn’t know how or is worried about hurting your feelings.
• It may be that she needs more collaboration with the kids and the house before she can think about pleasure (allowing pleasure may feel indulgent or selfish to her).

It’s no small thing you’re up against here. An entire cultural paradigm.

What If Talking Just Isn’t Possible?

Sometimes, talking isn’t possible (‘it’s just not done, I don’t/can’t talk about sex’ is a common push-back I hear).

In that case, you may want to seek out a neutral 3rd party to help, go to a workshop, or take an online course together.

Above all, don’t pressure her. Lead by example, instead:

• Cultivate your own connection to the erotic
• Take things off her plate and encourage her to spend her free time in embodied, pleasure-oriented, nourishing ways
• Share your vision for the relationship with her and tell her what sex means to you, in a non-pressuring way

It may not be obvious exactly HOW to do these things — so if you want to learn more about how to reignite the spark in your relationship, watch my free class on How to be Irresistible to Your Woman here.

Dr. Jessica

xo