Why Do We Fall in Love with Each Other?
4 reasons discovered by social psychologists.
“Love is the most important event between the birth and death of man”
- Prof. Bogdan Wojciszke
Love is undoubtedly one of the most inspiring and complicated feelings. People have always tried to understand why do we fall in love with someone. Is it a miracle, destiny or is there a science behind? Scientists from different fields tried to give an answer to that: psychologists, physiologists, neuroscientists, anthropologists. All of them agree on one thing, that love processes are controlled by our brain and there’re specific reasons why do we feel what we feel.
Here’re the reasons according to social psychology:
Frequency of contacts (Proximity effect)
According to social psychologists’ research, the most common reason why people start having interpersonal attractiveness is proximity. In other words, the more often you meet with somebody, the greater the chance you’d like them. As Prof. J. Celeste Walley-Jean describes: “Mere exposure to someone repeatedly increases the likelihood we will be attracted to them”. This applies both to romantic relationships and friendship.
You can find different examples of old friends who after a long friendship decide to become more intimate, turned into a couple, and finally get married. By spending so much time together, they develop such a special relationship that often it becomes hard to imagine life without each other.
In addition, based on the concept of reward and punishment, people like others who reward them (with positive emotions, compliments, kind gestures, meaningful conversations, and so on). Most social contacts that come with positive experiences lead to mutual sympathy in the long run.
Compatibility
Since childhood, I heard the phrase that “Opposites attract” but in real life, I’ve seen many couples who have a lot in common and they continue to live happily. So, where’s the truth?
In various psychological research, you can find instances of successful long-lasting romantic relationships by people with similar interests, values, and views on life. Compatibility is indeed an important factor in finding love.
For the ones who believe that opposites attract — this may be true for a short while, but do you want to spend your entire life with someone who is the total opposite of you? If you rely on changing your partner’s behavior over time to fit you better, it might be good to reevaluate your strategy. Most people don’t change their main views or life principles in adulthood.
Bahns and Crandall talk about change in their study: “Change is difficult and unlikely; it’s easier to select people who are compatible with your needs and goals from the beginning.” This doesn’t mean that people very different from each other are doomed to be unhappy. It means that they should be ready to accept each other’s personal differences and make some compromises.
Reciprocal liking
Imagine you meet someone for the first time and have a pretty decent conversation. You hit it off well, but then you part ways, and you kind of forget about it.
On the next day, your friend comes to you and says: “Hey, John from yesterday was really impressed by you and the conversation you guys had together”. Immediately, your perception and opinion of that person increase in value, and you probably think how great the chat was.
This psychological phenomenon is called reciprocal liking.
Reciprocal liking is a psychological term to describe an effect where a person who is liked by another will tend to return that liking.- Wikipedia
In an experiment, a woman tested this theory by having conversations with several men on different topics. She showed genuine interest in the discussions by leaning toward and listening carefully. Even though she didn’t agree on most of the topics in the conversations, it turned out that all men liked her at the end. Other experiments from the same type demonstrate similar results.
It makes sense that you would like to spend more time with someone who is interested in you and makes you feel better in their company.
Physical attractiveness
Psychology findings say that physical attractiveness is an important factor in romantic relationships. People have a tendency to assume that “what is beautiful is good” and prefer attractive partners.
The theme of beauty is often shown in fairytales. Snow White is the fairest of them all. Cinderella is a beautiful and kind-hearted daughter. Belle, Aurora, Jasmine are all known for their beauty in addition to being kind, intelligent, strong, spirited, and so on. On the contrary, the more negative or evil characters of these stories are usually portrayed as ugly and monster-esque.
It’s interesting also to see that most female characters have small noses, smooth skin, tiny waist, and big eyes. Standards of beauty that actually transfer to real life and push some women to undergo plastic surgeries. Prof. Michael Kalick tested his students by showing photos of women before and after plastic surgery. The students perceived women post-surgery as more attractive, but also as warmer and more sympathetic personalities.
This is not to say that a less attractive person has a smaller chance to be in a happy serious relationship. A study by White, G. L. finds that couples with similar attractiveness report that they feel happier and in deeper love. As attractiveness is subjective, people have good chances to find the right person and be in a happy long-lasting relationship.
Personal observations
Knowing these four psychological factors, I decided to do my own little research and check with some of my friends and acquaintances — how did they fall in love with their partners?
In most stories, including my own experience, people initially met through working together, studying at university, being neighbors, or via common friends. This corresponds to the proximity effect as you meet someone regularly, there’s a higher chance to like them.
Two couples were the exception in that regard as they met online. Both of them truly knew that they’re good for each other after living together for several months. Living together is the perfect way to find out how compatible you are with your partner. You’ll learn a lot about your loved one being under the same roof, from how clean they are to fulfilling house duties and managing finances. All important things to consider before seriously committing to a long relationship.
The reciprocal liking and physical attractiveness part are more personal and subjective, but from my observations, they are spot on in all the couples I know.
How about you? Does your love life meet the psychological theory or rather not?
