Why Long Distance Relationships Are Massively Underrated
More time apart than together, constantly missing each other, endless hours on Skype, infrequent sex, financially draining travel ... long distance relationships are more hassle than they’re worth.
At least that’s the popular opinion.
I strongly disagree … to a point. LDRs can be great, full of adventure, and solidify your relationship in the long term.
But there are many factors at play and if the relationship doesn’t work out, then, no: they’re not worth the hassle.
Unfortunately, when you fall head over heels, you have no way of knowing how that relationship will pan out -- long or any other distance. You just have to trust your gut, take the plunge and hope it doesn’t all end in disaster.
The cold hard truth is most relationships don’t end in blissful happiness and a walk down the aisle.
A 2019 study of 2,000 adults who believe they’ve met ‘The One’ found that men have an average of five relationships, and women four, before meeting their final partner.
Graeme Simsion, author of the book The Rosie Project, which published the research, said…
“It’s a reminder that the path to finding a life partner can be a long and rocky one — and indeed is for most of us.”
But before Mr Simsion drags us all down with his doom and gloom, I have some brighter news for all you folks in, or about to embark on, a long distance relationship.
A survey conducted in 2018 by KIIRO found that LDRs have a 58% success rate, based on the 1,000 people involved in the study.
But even with the odds tilted slightly in your favour, there’s still an uncomfortably large margin for error.
It’s little more than a coin toss.
As a member of the 58%, I would like to share with you a few of our experiences that could turn that coin flip into a sure thing…
Sidebar: The coronavirus pandemic has wreaked havoc on all aspects of life and for those of you who rely on travel to visit your other half, this has posed a serious problem.
I’m certainly no virologist but all I can say is this won’t last forever. If your relationship is strong, you’ll get through this and it could even help solidify your love in the long-term. This is a ‘grin and bear it’ time for everyone, so just do the best you can. And stay safe!
Separated by 2,600 miles
Long story short, I met my soulmate in July 2016 at a music festival in Serbia. A chance meeting on a staircase early one morning blossomed into a holiday romance, which evolved into a long distance relationship.
She lived in Slovenia, I in Abu Dhabi. The distance was a not insignificant 2,600 miles. And there were no direct flights.
Despite the challenges, we both knew early on that we were on to something. I can’t speak for her, but none of my previous five relationships (the male average!) had brought me so much love, happiness, and general feelings of calm and certainty. If this relationship was going to end up in the 42% pile of broken hearts, I was gonna go down swinging.
For the first two years, our long distance relationship was fantastic.
We met as frequently as time and money would allow (typically every 6–8 weeks), went on vacations, got to know each other on a deeper level, and would talk for hours. I remember it all being very giddy and exciting.
Then for about a year … I wouldn’t call it a lull as such, but the Skype chats would be a struggle on some days, we got tired of missing each other all the time, and the traveling became a chore.
It was just like any other relationship, I suppose. Our love and passion for each other was still strong, but the honeymoon period was coming to an end and we had to face reality…
What are we doing? What’s the end goal for all of this?
She ultimately made the decision to move (for which I am eternally grateful) and is still able to travel for work when necessary (she’s a classical singer).
After living together for around one year, we knew for certain that this was it.
So in February 2019, we got married.
In our experience, there are some wonderful benefits to a long distance relationship…
You never take time together for granted
You’ll likely find yourself apart for weeks, or even months, at a time. This can be a bitch but when you are together, you’ll savour every moment.
Only got one week before another month apart? Then those seven days will be used having as much fun together as possible.
Guarantee, your evenings won’t be spent aimlessly sat on the sofa, staring at your phones as Netflix hums in the background.
Your relationship will be built on communication
It has to be, because most of the time, that’s all you’ve got!
In “regular” relationships, a lack of communication can be easily masked during the early stages with sex, date nights, and surface level fun. Eventually, though, if you’re not on the same wavelength, it will show — it’ll just take longer to expose.
In a long distance relationship, you’ll spend hours talking and getting to know each other. It’ll also reveal your compatibility (or lack of) much sooner. When your LDR days are over, that strong communication will be a cornerstone of your long term relationship.
You learn to build mutual trust
A lack of trust in any relationship is a death sentence. If you can’t trust your partner, then what’s the point? It’s unhealthy and causes jealousy and paranoia.
In a long distance relationship, you have little choice but to trust your partner. Get used to the fact they’ll be out having fun without you. They’ll get approached in bars and have people “slide into their DMs”. But if you trust each other, you’ll soon confront and overcome these insecurities.
Building this trust from distance makes it much easier to not let any insecurities creep in when you’re together full time.
You’ll both know you can have fun with friends without constantly questioning each other’s actions.
You have time to focus on your own goals
The start of any new relationship is so fresh and exciting that it typically consumes most of your time. Your priorities change and you want to see each other as much as possible. That’s just not an option in LDRs.
But that can be a good thing. You still have plenty of time for friends and family; you can still focus on your career; you have time to write that book; set up that side hustle; paint war figurines, or whatever your interests are.
You’ll also have an appreciation for your partner’s passions and ambitions and recognise that these don’t have to involve you. I have absolutely no understanding of classical music but I know how important it is to her.
Likewise, she appreciates and supports my ambition to be a full-time writer, so when I disappear to the cafe for hours, she understands.
Having that time apart to focus on your own goals and support your partner’s will continue when you’re together permanently. You’ve already built that appreciation for each other’s passions, so neither of you will expect that to change.
You’ll learn how to be patient
Patience is in short supply nowadays. We live in a fast-paced world full of instant gratification. As a result, many of us get pissed off over trivial matters. Why is the food delivery 10 minutes late? Where the hell is that train?? Any danger of this web page actually loading???
In a long distance relationship, patience is the ultimate virtue. Spending so much time apart and crossing days off the calendar becomes the new normal.
Patience is the key to maintaining your sanity and making sure the time doesn’t drag any longer that it already does. You’ll find that your levels of patience improve in other areas of life.
Don’t get me wrong, long distance relationships aren’t all sunshine and roses…
… The key is how you deal with the inevitable challenges.
Here are some of the common issues we found and how we tried to deal with them:
The expense
Plane, train, or automobile … traveling costs. This can cause an issue and put strain on the relationship, particularly if one person has more money than the other.
Potential solutions:
Sharing the costs can help. At the end of the day, it’s only money and if one person has more of it, why wouldn’t you want to use it on your relationship?
Do some cost cutting. Maybe you don’t need that extra pair of shoes this month, or budget your food expenses and eat out less.
If that still leaves you short, come up with ways to earn some extra cash. I took on some freelance writing projects around my regular job. An extra few hundred bucks a month helped cover flight costs.
If you really want to make your LDR work, you’ll have the motivation to find a way to earn more money.
Traveling can become tiresome
Airports will either be the greatest places in the world or the worst, depending which direction you’re heading. The same applies to packing suitcases. And if you’re relying on cheap flights that require lengthy stopovers, then it can really test your nerve.
Potential solutions:
It’s the nature of the beast, I’m afraid…
The only thing I can recommend is to arrange lounge access: if you’ve got long layovers, at least do it with comfortable sofas, unlimited wifi, and free food and drinks.
Oh, and become a member of the airlines you normally use. Those miles will soon rack up!
Missing important events
Being absent for celebrations like birthdays and graduations is tough, but not being around for difficult moments is even harder. Having a video chat feels an insufficient substitute.
Potential solutions:
You both have to accept the reality that you will miss some key moments. In times of celebration, remember to plan ahead … online gift and flower deliveries are a lifesaver!
For those harder times, you just have to be there for each other the best way you can. Arrange a surprise spa treatment or send a basket of chocolate — something to say you’re still thinking of them in spite of the distance.
Communication
Yep, communication can be a double edged sword. It’s great to get to know each other on a deeper level, but even the world’s best talkers will eventually run out of things to say. Then there can be the issue of time zones.
Potential solution:
Sometimes it’s ok to just admit you don’t have much to say. Don’t freak: each day will be different and you don’t have to talk every day.
Focus on your mutual interests. For us, we both love to travel and visit new places, so talks would often be filled with travel research.
The doubters
It’s funny looking back on it now, but her mother didn’t expect us to last six months! You’ll meet each other’s friends and family and some might question why you’re “wasting” so much time, money, and effort — even if they don’t say it aloud.
Potential solution:
Easy — fuck ‘em! (With all due respect…)
Full of optimism and resolve, you’ll discover just how beneficial a relationship built long distance can be.
There are just a couple of things I want to leave you with…
There has to be an end goal
When that is or what it looks like will depend on your unique situation. Eventually, though, there will come a time when you want your relationship to be “normal”.
You’ll want to build a life together, maybe even start a family one day. LDRs can be fun but they’re not sustainable long term.
Be realistic
Not the most romantic point to end on, but when that end goal is reached and you’re with each other (All. The. Time.) be realistic with your expectations.
It’s only natural that some of the thrill of your LDR will diminish. You won’t miss each other. You’ll settle into routines and patterns. You’ll piss each other off. That’s all perfectly normal.
Find new excitement in your new life together. All the fun and adventure you had in your LDR doesn’t have to stop. It just might take a different form.
I appreciate that every relationship is different in myriad ways. I just know what worked for us and I hope some of our experiences can be applied to your own situation.
Perhaps, then, your long distance relationship can also be on the right side of the coin flip.
