Why We Don’t Hear Each Other
And why communication usually fails in marriage.
Why do our attempts at communication fail even with the best intentions? Why can’t he hear and validate me?
While we can’t change our spouse, we can change ourselves and, in so doing, our relationship. Let’s start.
Communication is a two-way street. How we speak and listen teaches our spouse how we wish to be treated. So, let’s take a deeper dive into one of our most pernicious bad habits in hopes that once we eliminate it, our spouses will catch on and do the same. Once we learn to respond to our spouse’s concerns with an open mind and heart, we pave the way for more loving and connecting dialogue.
One of the four worst communication pitfalls we all are guilty of is defensiveness. We get defensive when we feel attacked, usually by our spouse, for something we feel ashamed of or guilty of.
Unfortunately, even though getting defensive is natural, it can be very harmful and toxic to your relationship. Nobody likes it, yet we all do it, even if we wish we didn’t. Did you know that John Gottman includes defensiveness as one of the four horsemen of the relationship apocalypse? In short, this means that responding defensively in our marriage is highly correlated with divorce, heaven forbid.
So what is it, and how can we get rid of it?
Defensiveness happens when our spouse gets angry with us, expresses disappointment in our behavior, or when we are accused of something unpleasant. When this happens, we respond with a reason, explanation, or even denial.
For example. Let’s say you walk in the front door 15 minutes late. Your wife calls you out. For many of us, our first reaction is to say, “Oh, it’s just a few minutes — not a big deal.” Or maybe, “Look who’s calling the kettle black — you came late last week!” Or even a total denial — “I’m not late — this is the time we agreed on!”
All these responses are defensive, as you are trying to defend yourself against your wife’s accusation.
This is damaging to our relationship for several reasons. First, you are displaying a lack of integrity. You came home 15 minutes late, and you didn’t admit it.
The second reason, which may be the most important, is that it teaches your wife that she has no voice. When she gets upset about something, there is nobody to talk to, nobody home. She’s on her own. This erodes trust and safety in your relationship and teaches her that you don’t care about her feelings.
The third reason is that we miss our opportunity to change and improve. If we consistently behave defensively, we never take it to heart when we make a mistake and can never get better.
So, how do we rid ourselves of defensiveness?
Ironically, the key to eliminating defensiveness is self-acceptance. At the core of defensiveness is an innate desire, a primal need for us to be correct and good.
When this is threatened, we protect our sense of self by deflecting any insinuations that we’ve done something wrong. For many of us, doing something wrong means that we are wrong. We are less than, and ultimately, we are unworthy of love and respect.
Of course, this isn’t true at all. Just because we have erred doesn’t mean we are bad people. It just means that we are people, and all people make mistakes.
We know that this feeling is the source of our defensiveness. When my wife comes home and shares stories of her day — maybe the supermarket was too crowded, or her boss was an ogre at work, I’m a great listener, full of compassion, understanding, and sympathy.
However, my demeanor changes if she comes home and has an issue with me. Out goes the listening, out goes the compassion, and out goes the understanding and sympathy!
Why?
Because I don’t want to be seen as bad or wrong.
So, how do we move past defensiveness?
The first place to start is by accepting that we are all, you and me, doing our best to make it through life. But, despite our best efforts, we will make mistakes, some of which will hurt people. This doesn’t make us evil; it just means we are human. This is a message and idea that we must internalize if we are ever going to take responsibility for our behavior and how it affects others.
Imagine next time your wife says, “I’m upset that you came home so late,” instead of getting defensive, you calmly say, “I hear you. I’m sorry I came home so much later than we agreed, and I understand why you are upset.”
Your wife will most likely pass out from shock, and most importantly, she will feel so heard, understood, and close to you that her anger over your lateness may very well disappear!
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