Why We Keep Getting Involved With Narcissists

We learn coping strategies to deal with how we are treated, particularly early in life.

Photo credit: iStock

By Ann Betz

When I was figuring out that the person I was involved with was a covert malignant narcissist, I found myself saying that it had taken me completely by surprise, because I had no history with narcissists. At least, that’s what I saw at first — the experience felt like it came out of nowhere. But as I read, listened and studied this whole area, plus reflected more deeply on my own experience, I realized that no, this was not my first rodeo after all. I’d been around narcissists my whole life. I just didn’t know it.

Here are a few stars from my own cast of characters:

~ Growing up with various family members who “parentified” me and expected me to focus on their needs and problems while ignoring my own.

~ My first husband who I married impulsively at age 23 after he love bombed me. Could not keep a job, ran up huge credit card debt, picked fights, was obsessed with body building, never took responsibility for anything, and constantly stepped over my boundaries. I now see he is probably a classic grandiose narcissist. I divorced him after only four years but he still tries to “hoover” me from time to time!

~ My college advisor who found me on FB years later. He love bombed me, left wife number 3 to date me, pushed me to move in together after a month, denigrated my work, and then broke up with me by text after another month or so. Another classic grandiose narcissist, most likely. He remarried a few months later and then reached out after another year or so saying he was divorced again and would we like to hook up? I blocked him.

~ A short term boyfriend who was wonderful and full on, until I pushed back on something and he turned nasty. Luckily I was not that into the relationship yet and ended it quickly.

And so I now see that I was well-trained to get seriously involved with a narcissist. I had experienced it many times, I just wasn’t aware that the reason the relationships felt off, difficult, and unsatisfying was largely to do with the toxic person I was involved with. I don’t mean to dodge any personal…