“You’re not listening to me!”
I realized I had a fixed pattern in every fight. And that changed everything.
I started dating when I was 18. I and my then boyfriend, couldn’t even last a year. We used to argue, get angry and spew unfathomable amounts of venom at each other! It became a nightmare to even be in a relationship. And of course, it didn’t last long. This vicious cycle continued for a few more relationships until I met my husband. For the first year when we were together, we had our share of fights and arguments. They never matched to the heightened emotional distress I had experienced in my past relationships but they were ugly, nonetheless. Every-time in the middle of a squabble, my partner used to tell me that I wasn’t listening to him.
I realized I had a fixed pattern in every fight. Rather we both had a pattern. In case of an issue, I would express my anger or disappointment by subtle hints, always expecting my partner to understand on his own. When the hint-giving session wouldn’t bear any fruit, I would attempt to lay out my concern by trying to pick over a non-issue. Then we would both dig out irrelevant (but unresolved) instances from the past, compete for a better comeback in the argument and launch a personal attack on the other — never truly addressing the real problem.
It would be anybody’s guess that we would always fail to address the elephant in the room — the actual problem.
Once, the situation escalated such that I hit myself out of exasperation. It was so disturbing for the both of us. I remember feeling exceptionally helpless and incapacitated. I felt I couldn’t get my words across to my partner. I felt that “He wasn’t listening to me”. That’s when an epiphany occurred. In that moment I realized, something is grossly wrong in the manner we are dealing with arguments in our relationship. That is when we both decided to consciously work on this aspect.
It took me months to fully comprehend and appreciate the statement — “You are not listening to me.” It took me a while to acknowledge that it was never about winning the argument. It had to be about finding a solution, such that, we never have to revisit a similar argument again in our lives.
Over the years, I have developed my go-to principles, for any and every argument I have.
1. Take a Step Back :
In moments when I am seething with anger, I take a step back. I physically excuse myself from the situation before I blow it out of proportion. And in that instance, I ask myself these 3 questions –
- Why am I angry/disappointed?
- What can I do that will solve the concern?
- What do I expect from the other person to do?
This helps most of the times. At the very least, I come to know the exact cause of my distress.
2. Truly, listen to the other person
Since forever, I had to have the last word in any fight, followed by an apology from the other person. It took me months of practice to explain myself that the objective of any argument is not to win or lose — it is to SOLVE. And solutioning can only happen, when I listened to what he said. Every statement had to be a constructive addition to the argument. It should be an uphill battle that we both have to fight together and not against each other. I had to remind myself incessantly that the current situation is the enemy while my partner is my only comrade.
3. Avoid personal attacks
I had the ability to metamorphosize any dissension into a full-blown brawl. I would say the nastiest things, only because I knew what would hurt him the most. It would make him shut off completely for days. It wasn’t helpful to say the least. We then put down a list of topics that was ‘off-limits’ in any argument. We could never bring those topics in any argument whatsoever. Eventually, this helped us both to reveal the most vulnerable aspects of our lives. It has only brought us closer than ever.
4. Agree to disagree
I believe, this principle is applicable in any relationship. It became trickier with a partner, as I would expect him to back me on every opinion I had. I expected him to have similar thoughts on every aspect on the face of this galaxy and beyond. That’s where I was wrong. Gradually, I got down to prioritizing the conflicts of interests. I would ask myself if I could live with that particular difference of opinion or not. If the answer was a resounding yes, I began to let go of such things. If not, I would make him understand my point over a period of time without seeking instant approvals.
5. Break the pattern
This definitely threw my partner off. He tried to reset the old pattern in our relationship. This principle most definitely tested my argument-handling skills. I had to completely dismantle our previous pattern to establish the new one. As and when I lost my calm, I would head back to point 1. I had to create a space where we ought to speak our minds without any judgments, avoid aggressive or even passive-aggressive rebuttals and fully embrace a consensus based problem-solving approach.
I still cannot say that we have a quarrel-free marriage but now we know how to handle a quarrelsome scenario. Over time, we both realized that most of our arguments were over trivial issues which had no life-altering impact on our everyday hustle. Once both I and my partner established that safe space, it became easier to communicate. It has taken years of practice, patience and perseverance but now, we both listen to each other!
