How to Sit with the Discomfort of Not Being Okay
How labeling your physical feelings in 90 seconds can help you move through it
For most of my life I’ve been a problem solver.
As a kid I enjoyed “making something from nothing” and using what materials I had to create art. In my preteen years I was borderline addicted to Tetris and loved the rush of fitting surprise puzzle pieces together and watching the walls I built explode faster in each level!
I’m the eldest of three children, and growing up in my friend group, I was person people came to for advice. They knew they could tell me their struggles and I would offer creative solutions to help them ace their history reports, or talk to the guy they had a crush on, set up their new technology, or overcome their fears of public speaking. It would come as no surprise that in adulthood I became a business owner.
Today, I often describe entrepreneurs as “problem solvers with a paycheque.”
Entrepreneurship also comes with heaps of growth and discomfort, and my solution-oriented self is always looking for the action to take to move forward.
However, sometimes inaction is actually the solution. Sometimes sitting with the discomfort is the only way to overcome it. Before you roll your eyes at the cliché, let me share something cool Harvard brain scientist, Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor discovered in her research:
When a feeling flushes through us, there is a ninety second chemical process that happens in the body. After these ninety seconds the feelings we were experience can go away. If they don’t it’s because we’re rethinking or restiumlating the chemical circuitry which results in us experiencing a negative mindset or feeling loop.
That means if we “sit” for ninety seconds with our discomfort and feelings of “not being okay” we can actually allow the natural chemical process inside our body take place before taking action on the emotions we’re experiencing.
So how do we do this?
Sitting with the discomfort can be viewed as having a mindfulness practice that allows us to create and strengthen our mind-body connection and self-awareness. We do this by taking time throughout our day to create little moments of mindfulness, and pause to become more present. More present with our environment, our body, our thoughts, our feelings, etc.
Take a moment to ask, “how am I feeling right now?”
If it feels good to close the eyes and scan the body from toes to head, do that. Notice if there are sensations and where they are.
Another simple way to become present is to bring awareness to the breath. Feel the rise and fall of your chest and belly as you breathe.
Cultivating this connection and awareness allows us to recognize the uncomfortable feelings as they arise. We will start to notice that discomfort shows up in many ways in our physical body. We might feel clammy, hot, tense, be holding our breath, etc.
When we can recognize the physical feelings of not being okay, we can label what we’re experiencing.
For example: I’m feeling frustrated. Saying it out loud or in our minds are both helpful, and the key detail is to label the emotion we’re experiencing versus labeling ourselves. We aren’t frustrated, we’re feeling frustrated. And that feeling is moving through our bodies.
If it helps to set a ninety second timer to allow the process to take place, can do that too. After the ninety second rule, we use the same practice of self-awareness to notice whether or not we are still connected to the feeling of discomfort, or if the feeling is still there.
Remember that if we’re still experiencing the feelings we might be caught in a negative mindset loop. In my experience I’ve supported this process in two ways:
- Resetting the ninety second timer and really separated myself from the feeling, recognizing it, labeling it, and allowing it to flush through me. Even visualizing the feeling as a colour moving through the body.
- And/or asking myself questions about what I’m feeling to notice if any of the feelings are “true for me.” For example, if I’m feeling frustrated, that can be a valid feeling, but is it something that is in my control? If yes: how can I fix it? If not: sitting longer to surrender what I cannot control, and come back to what I can control.
If you’re anything like me and struggle with sitting still, then I REALLY want you to know: it is okay to not feel okay, and know that you are not alone in these feelings. Our emotions are meant to be felt and experienced. They are meant to move through us, but that doesn’t mean we have to hold on to them either.
Every day we make choices for our life, health, relationships, jobs, etc. We can also make the choice of how we would like to feel. This means feeling, sitting, acknowledging feelings and then letting them go. If we don’t, we’re only continuing the loop. Let’s commit to freeing ourselves from discomfort by holding space for it so that it can move on, and so that we can move forward and make a positive impact in the world.
