If You Really Want to Know How I’m Doing, Ask Me.
Don’t Ask Someone Else.
If you were REALLY that concerned for your friend, you’d be speaking to them.
You’re not in their brain, so you have no basis for assuming you know how they’re doing. Because you can’t assume, the last thing you should be doing is discussing how they’re doing with a friend.
If they’re actually not okay, what they really need is you to pick up your phone and shoot them a message… not talk to your mutuals about it.
Why is it that people feel they can ask me if one of our mutual friends was “Okay.” As in, “Oh yeah, so-and-so looked really tired last week, are they okay?”
*shrugs shoulders* I don’t know, why don’t you just ask them?
And before you say, “Well maybe they’re just concerned for so-and-so.”
I’d make a bet with you that messaging them directly is what they really need from you right now.
Because now that you mention it, yeah they did look tired last week and they’ve been less active in the group chat so maybe something is up.
In fact, I am so confident in this wager, because I have been so-and-so at many times in my life.
I have been tired. I have been down. I have been pushing through the day, just to push through another day, and another.
And the last thing I would want to hear of, is that two of my “friends” were talking about me without me present because they were “so concerned.”
If you really want to know how I’m doing, I’d appreciate it more if you just asked me.
Here are some of the things I would love to receive from true friends with genuine concern:
Hey Val, I noticed you weren’t your usual energetic self last week, so I wanted to check in to see how you were doing?
Hey Val, you’ve been on my mind a lot, how are you?
Hey Val, I’ve been sensing something is going on with you and I wanted to let you know that, as your friend, I am here for you if you ever want to talk, or if you need support with anything.
Hey Val, I was thinking about that time we went on a hike together. I really enjoyed doing that with you. I know you’re busy, but let me know if we can get together next week for some quality time in nature!
If you’re reading this and a specific person is coming to mind, please send them a text, or call them right now, I’ll wait.
I’m assuming both you and your friend are feeling a lot better now that you’ve connected with them. Isn’t this a message you’d love to receive?
Maybe you’re reading this and there isn’t anyone specific coming to mind that you’re concerned about. But what about someone you haven’t touched base with in a while, or someone you are really grateful for?
How about sending them a note of encouragement? Maybe something like…
Hey [name], just wanted you to know you are appreciated.
Hey [name], the song ______ came on my playlist today and it always makes me think of you, and that time we took a road trip to see that band play.
Hey [name], just in case no one told you this today, you’re a wonderful friend and I’m really grateful for you in my life *wine and cheese emoji*
We want to know that you are thinking of us. We don’t want to find out that you’re talking about us behind our back — even if you really are concerned for us.
Personally, I feel most connected to relationships with depth and honesty. I want realness in partnership, not surface-level exchanges that leave no imprint. I want to be able to openly share my true feelings.
To say, “Yeah friend, I am tired. I need a break. I put a lot on my plate and I have a lot of expectations for myself, but I also have a lot of important people in my life who rely on me. And sometimes I find it hard to ask for help.”
I want to reply to the messages saying, “Hey friend, I appreciate you reaching out. To receive your note of encouragement means a lot more to me than I could express through words. I’d love to go for that hike with you.”
The text takes less than two minutes.
In two minutes you could make someone’s day. In two minutes you could help a friend. That’s less time than it took you to get to the end of this article.
So... what are you waiting for? Send that text!
