Go Ask Your Mom: Sara’s Mother-in-Law

It’s no surprise to us that motherhood can be hard — we started a business to help alleviate that problem, after all. During our most exhausting days, frustrating moments and lonely nights, we’ve found that talking to other moms about our collective experiences can sometimes be the most helpful action we can take.

But recently it dawned on us — most of us had never actually sat down with our own mothers, mothers-in-law and mother-like figures to hear about their experiences. So we went straight to the source to see how times have (or have not) changed when it comes to pregnancy, childbirth and raising children.

For the first part in our series, Go Ask Your Mom, Hello Mom team member Sara interviewed her mother-in-law Beth about raising two kids in the 80s — a time when blogs didn’t exist and cell phones—for the very few people who actually had them—were the size of bricks. Here’s what she had to say:

On Pregnancy

How old were you when you had your first kid? What year was it?

I was 30, and it was 1984.

How do you remember feeling physically and emotionally during your pregnancy? How much support did you have?

I felt very tired and nervous. My first pregnancy was full of complications — I spotted the entire time and had an unusual amount of pain, so I was always worried something was wrong. I would see my doctor and tell them my concerns, and they would just shrug me off and tell me everything was fine. I don’t think they believed me and what I was going through.

There was no professional support offered to me, so I relied on my sister and mother the most. My sister had three young kids, so she knew what I was going through and always seemed to make me feel better.

How do think society’s treatment of pregnancy has changed since your pregnancy?

There is more support for new moms and the moms are given much more control over their decisions with labor and baby. When both of my kids were born, for example, the nurse wrapped them up and whisked them away for hours before I could really hold them. When my granddaughter was born, on the other hand, she got skin-to-skin contact right away and never left mom or dad’s sight during the entire hospital stay. Bottom line is, they were given choices. They didn’t have to do any of those things, but they had choices.

On Birth

Explain your first birth.

Terrifying, long, and painful.

Just like my first pregnancy, my labor was full of complications as well. The baby was in distress the entire time, so the doctor had to apply an internal fetal monitor. And I was in extreme pain, like most women are during labor, but hospitals didn’t really give pain medication or epidurals in the 70s and 80s. During my second labor in 1985, I told the nurse I needed something to help with the pain so she gave me a Tylenol!

Explain your postpartum experience. How much support do you feel you had right after birth and your first few weeks at home with the baby?

I remember feeling alone and exhausted. There was just one follow-up appointment, so I relied mostly on my family and friends. My husband took two weeks off of work with both kids. I remember bursting into tears the day my husband went back to work — I didn’t want to be alone with the baby and I finally realized our lives were forever changed. Nothing would be normal again.

I had postpartum depression with my second child, but the diagnosis wasn’t common back then. The doctor told me I was just tired and that I should try harder to get more sleep.

On Parenting

If you could do it all over again, what would you do the same and/or differently?

I wouldn’t worry so much about what the house looked like, what the kids ate or what they were wearing. I would go with the flow more so I could enjoy the experience.

What were your three biggest struggles raising young children?

The first was money — I choose to stay at home with the kids so we were living off of one income and there were times where we were very financially strapped. All it took was one unexpected bill to really feel the pinch and worry about being able to pay all the bills. The second was questioning if I was doing the right thing. I knew in my heart and gut what felt right, but I still always questioned it. The third was making sure the kids were happy — it was really important for me that they were always happy, but it wasn’t always easy (and still isn’t)!

What do you think you were the best at — parent-wise?

I think both of my kids grew up to be nice people, and I’d like to think my husband and I had a major hand in that. If I succeeded in anything, I raised two compassionate boys who grew into compassionate men.