Day 11 — You might be misunderstood, too: Outgoing Introverts vs. Shy Extroverts.
People sometimes scoff and laugh when I tell them I’m an introvert. “How could that be? You’re talkative / work in marketing and hiring / are very outgoing!?”
That is true, but I will also need hours or days to recover from all of those “pseudo-extroversions.” After one office beer bash on Friday or a group hangout on Saturday, I will need Sunday to be in solitude at my apartment. Or just alone in a park, reading and people (dogs!🐾) watching.
It’s not like I dislike people. Managing the Engineering Talent Acquisition in my company (I’m Yuri, by the way, 👋), I talk to candidates and the engineering team daily, on top of the six people on my team and I genuinely enjoy that. I also like hanging out with friends or Facetiming my family at home. However, internally, these continuous activities will drain me out quickly.
On the other hand, I know some people who are seemingly quiet or shy, but they prefer to be around people. They may not talk as much, but they enjoy the company and listen to everybody.
If you can relate to any of it, we can all thank the big misconception of introversion and extroversion in our society; that shy means introverted and outgoing equals extroverted.
They do not and let me explain why.
Carl Jung, the founder of analytical psychology, defined these two opposing personality types by where a person focuses their energy. According to Jung, an extrovert’s orientation finds meaning outside the self — the external world of things, people, and activities; whereas an introvert finds meaning within, preferring the inner world of thoughts, feelings, and dreams.
One big difference between the two brains is how they respond to dopamine. Dopamine is a chemical released in the brain that motivates to seek external rewards, like getting promoted, attracting a mate, being popular, etc.
When dopamine gets to the brain, both extroverts and introverts become more talkative, alert to their surroundings, and explore the environment. However, the difference is in the activity of the dopamine reward network, which is more active in the brains of extroverts than introverts.
For instance, by getting a promotion at work, extroverts become more energized than introverts. They have this enthusiastic rush of good feelings, while introverts feel overstimulated.
For introverts, we instead use a different neurotransmitter called acetylcholine. Just like dopamine, it also links to pleasure; however, it makes us feel good when we turn inward. It increases our ability to think, reflect, and focus immensely for a long time. This is why introverts like calm environments, as they are getting all the acetylcholine in.
Mind you that it’s not that introverts have less dopamine than extroverts; it just lies in the activity of the dopamine reward network. Extroverts focus on what’s outside their minds, whereas introverts focus on what’s inside. For my extroverted friends, enjoying a Friday night out after work or attending a music festival for days is fun. At the same time, I will become overstimulated, and I prefer to go home immediately, watching Netflix and drinking my whisky with no company.
By Saturday morning, everyone will be equally charged.
Shyness. Introversion. Outgoing. Extroversion.
So we’ve learned that extroversion and introversion are all about how one perceives stimulation or gains energy. Now, we’re finally talking about that big misconception:
Shy = introverted; outgoing = extroverted.*
According to American Psychology Association, shyness is the tendency to feel awkward, worried, or tense during social encounters. At the same time, outgoing is described as someone with a friendly personality and a tendency to approach.
Personally, I’d like to think I’m outgoing. I do enjoy talking and socializing with people. But over a long period, these “pseudo-extroversions” will drain me out. My partner and good friends would notice whenever I abruptly shut down in the middle of a social setting. They will smile at me and ask if it’s my time to head home, to which I will slightly nod.
I really like how Arlin Cuncic, an author of The Anxiety Workbook, simplifies the concept as follows:
Shy: Fear of negative evaluation, a tendency toward avoidance.
Outgoing: Tendency to approach others, no fear of being around other people.
Introvert: Becomes easily overstimulated, needs time alone to regain energy after spending time with people.
Extrovert: Need for stimulation, recharges by spending time with other people, feels depleted after spending too much time alone.
So there are Outgoing-Extrovert, Shy-Extrovert, Outgoing-Introvert, and Shy-Introvert. This is not to label you per se; this is to help you understand which one you think you’re leaning toward. Check out the table below and see which type you can relate to most.
Coming from Indonesia, a more collectivistic country than most western ones, it took me a while to realize that I’m not an extrovert. But now that I know, I plan my day or week ahead so I can balance it out — to meet friends still or have an office beer bash with one day off to regain my energy.
It’s essential to learn which category you might fall into to help you understand what method of rejuvenation your brain desires. Don’t feel so missed out if you think you need to cancel the event because there were many impromptu meetings earlier that week. And don’t be weirded out as well if you want to attend a party though you prefer to listen than talk. Do what it takes to gain that energy back whichever way you need, inward or outward.
If this topic interests you, I recommend reading Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking by Susan Cain or watching her Ted Talk here. :)
(I have written for hours in silence, so maybe I can finally afford to call my parents for hours…)
