My Internship Experience as a Japanese American Intern with An Identity Crisis
Growing up Japanese in a predominantly white American suburb, I struggled with my cultural identity and finding a sense of belonging in any kind of environment. At HENNGE, I found acceptance, comfort, and understanding.
Hello & Welcome :) My name is Kaoru Murai, a Computer Science and UX Design student at the University of Michigan. I was given the absolute pleasure of working as a software engineering intern with HENNGE’s unique Global Internship Program (GIP) as part of 2021’s 3rd batch of interns. Although my wonderful peers who were interning in the same batch as I had to complete this internship remotely due to COVID-19, I had the privilege of being able to come to the Tokyo Office every day to complete my work.
A little bit of background about me. As my name and its etymology suggest, I am fully Japanese. However, I was born in Indiana, and spent the majority of my 20 years of life growing up in Michigan (…ah, the American Midwest) Growing up Japanese in a predominantly white suburb, it was hard to feel any sense of belonging within my community. Oftentimes, I felt alienated by my peers due to my cultural background, and home life. Growing up, the daily action of stepping out of my very Japanese home to attend a very American school was a jarring experience. I had to code-switch to fit in. And even then, I didn’t quite *belong*
I’ve had experiences in my K-12 education where I would be told to eat my Japanese bento box under the lunchroom table because “it’s not American food and it doesn’t belong,” or whenever a remotely Eastern Asian looking girl appeared on the school television (shout out to Bill Nye the Science Guy), my classmates will exclaim, “Look !! It’s Kaoru !!” Or perhaps the most infamous experience that’s unfortunately shared amongst many Asian American children — kids coming up to me while pulling up the corners of their eyes, exclaiming Look, I’m Chinese ! Just like you. (…I’m not Chinese) Needless to say, these experiences affected me deeply and helped engrain the feeling within me that I don’t actually belong in America.
So where did I belong? Well, the simple answer would be — “You’re Japanese, wouldn’t you belong in Japan ?” Unfortunately, it’s not that easy. You see, going through the American education system had turned me into an extremely outspoken, opinionated, tree-hugging, queer, crop top wearing, non-rule abiding Gen-Z girl with pink hair, whose daily life is riddled with TikTok references while bringing a liter-sized mason jar of iced coffee complete with a metal straw to the office. Not exactly what you’d expect a Japanese schoolgirl to act or look like. And it’s true, I don’t really act completely Japanese — my Japanese friends often comment 「かおるちゃんってちょっと変だよね笑笑」which roughly translates to “Kaoru you’re a bit strange, lol” I struggle speaking 「敬語」(the respectful type of speech in Japanese used oftentimes for speaking to bosses or strangers or your mentors.) I don’t believe in 「上下関係」(the Japanese custom of seniority) and struggle to practice it.
Due to these reasons, I could never imagine myself being able to work in a Japanese corporate environment after graduation. I’d most definitely be kicked out of orientation on the second day due to my refusal to dye my hair black, wear business casual, and get rid of my long multicolored nails that go clack clack on my phone screen.
I held this belief….until I met HENNGE.
Welcome to HENNGE, a strange oasis in the middle of the concrete jungle that is Tokyo. What you’ll find on the 4th, 5th, and 11th floor offices of the Daiwa Square building in Shibuya is not Japan. Nor is it any other Western country that specializes in agile software development. But it’s still Japan. But it’s still heavily Westernized. It’s strange. It’s HENNGE.
When I call HENNGE strange, I mean it in the best way possible. HENNGE is unconventional, new, exciting. At the office, you will see Japanese businessmen and women dressed to the nines in a well-tailored suit, coexisting with engineers on the other side of the room sporting their latest tech t-shirt they’d acquired at a Python national convention in a pair of well-worn jeans. Oh, and of course, the lovely CEO wearing a whole kimono. There are people all over the cultural and global spectrum — those who were born and raised in Japan, half Japanese, Swiss, Brazilian, Scandinavian, Bhutanese. A colorful group of people from all walks of life somehow united together towards HENNGE’s mission, the liberation of technology.
Walking into the office on my first day, I was scared that I may not be accepted by the people. On one side of the spectrum, I faced imposter syndrome amidst the engineering team, afraid that I would be discovered a fraud, and questioned why I was even allowed into the program in the first place. On the other side of the spectrum, I was scared I would not be accepted or welcomed by the evidently Japanese employees around me. And yet on another side of the spectrum, I was afraid that perhaps I’m a little bit too outspoken, weird, awkward, and American to be accepted by the international employees.
…all of my above worries and fears were not true. In fact, the reality was far from it.
The engineers at HENNGE are some of the nicest people ever. Hands down. They don’t over-explain concepts to you but explains just the right amount. You could ask them how to code Hello World and they wouldn’t bat an eye or make you feel stupid for asking such a simple question. They are always eager to help, and discussions are a good place for constructive criticism and feedback: not one of those passive-aggressive breeding grounds for imposter syndrome that you often hear about in workplace horror stories.
The Japanese employees at HENNGE are so kind and generous. I was so nervous to talk to them, due to my fear of messing up my 敬語 (keigo) or accidentally interrupting their work. However, my heart was so happy when I found out that I had nothing to fear when the members of the marketing and accounting teams working around me invited me to join them for afternoon coffee. It was so nice being able to occasionally engage in conversation with them while sharing sweets and tea, despite us belonging to different departments.
Even outside of those specific groups of people I have mentioned above, I feel that everyone at HENNGE is very colorful, vibrant, and has a lot of interesting perspectives to bring to the table. Some of the employees I met had interesting careers as breakdancers, while some others had extensive experience with cooking hardcore Indian curry, just for fun.
But something that stuck out to me the most, is that I felt like I could really be myself. Like I belonged. By this, I’m not trying to create a profound I found myself kind of narrative. What I mean, is that for once, out of the very few times in my life, I felt like I didn’t really have to explain myself. Growing up, regardless of where I was, whether it be in the United States or Japan, I always had to explain who I was, my background, where I came from, where I was born, why I’m bilingual, what my nationality is, where my passport is from and why I have two of them, and why I am so different. I almost felt like a spectacle sometimes — an object for one fleeting, a fickle flicker of curiosity only to be quickly disposed of when the initial novelty of my cultural background wore off. Here, due to the internationally driven nature of the company, I didn’t feel like that. At all. Everyone’s so different that I wasn’t different. lol. Here, I didn’t feel the need to suppress one side of my cultural identity to fit in. I could be as Japanese and American as I wanted, and no one would care. And I thought that that was very beautiful.
When I heard people regularly throwing together Japanese and English into one sentence, I was so uncomfortable and taken aback, but also thoroughly enjoying it. I could make a Japanese pop culture reference, or post an American meme in the office slack channel, and people would get it. What used to have so much friction for me, now felt so natural and smooth. I loved it.
As my internship is coming to a close, I can say this confidently. There’s a place for me that I could belong in one day, even in Japan.
And that place is HENNGE.
Kaoru Murai is a second-year student at the University of Michigan. She interned with the HENNGE Global Internship Program from May 17th to June 11th, 2021.
