Why are some people so Passive Aggressive?

Because why would someone go out of their way to be so difficult and snide?

“Did they really just say that? No, it’s just me overthinking… No, I’m pretty sure they just said something pretty backhanded, not in what they said but how they said it. But it’s not like I can call them out because If I do, I’ll look totally crazy…”. — Someone who just experience a Passive-Aggressive Remark.

Photo by Maria Lysenko on Unsplash

There has been at least one instance in your life where someone has been passive-aggressive towards you or someone you know.

It’s such a common form of immature expression that if you haven’t experienced it (lucky you), you’ve likely seen it depicted in stories and media alike.

“She Doesn’t Even Go here!”- Damien from “Mean Girls”, uploaded by Seventeen on Pinterest.

And no, it’s not just “mean girls” and snobby business professionals.

Passive Aggressive behavior feels like an all-encompassing term for someone who’s been sneaky and rude from a B.S angle.

But today, we are going to expand on that, understand what it is, some examples of it, and why some people choose to act like this.

Passive Aggressive?! Huh? How can you be passive AND AGGRESSIVE?

Essentially, passive-aggressive individuals display aggression in a less upfront manner.

You can’t really call them out on what they’ve said, because it’s masked under something that would normally be kind or normal to say. It’s oftentimes, how they’ve said it and how they’ve chosen to say it.

Word choice and the order of their comments are key components that form their passive-aggressive statements.

For example, someone might say:

“Wow, that dress looks great on you for someone your size!”. — Passive Aggressive A**hole.

Now, this could have been a compliment. It started off sweet, because who doesn’t want to feel complimented on their clothing?

But mentioning the size of a person’s body is never okay, no matter how big or small they might be. Any decent person knows this.

Passive-aggressive behavior can have two avenues.

Photo by Obie Fernandez on Unsplash

#1: Referring to a person’s indirect resistance to your request

For example:

Someone acted passive-aggressive towards you after you asked them to help you with your homework. Note that passive-aggressive people hate being told what to do; i.e, responsibilities or tasks assigned to them or requested from them.

They feel slighted by the fact that they’ve now been assigned a task, but they won’t say it to your face. No, they will instead make it a difficult, lengthy, and generally negative experience.

• procrastinating, taking long breaks, misplacing important information for said tasks, etc.

They are snide and sharp with you throughout the entire session. Hard to contact when you have further questions about the upcoming test and find them avoiding you entirely until you no longer need them for what you asked them for help with.

#2: Referring to a person’s indirect confrontational methods.

For example:

A woman or feminine person might be jealous of you because you managed to grow your hair out significantly with hair growth treatments and simply taking good care of your hair.

You also started practicing your makeup skills a lot for the last few months, and have gotten really good at perfecting trendy makeup styles.

This person might:

• Have trouble growing their hair and find makeup application difficult.
• They are unhappy with their appearance and compare themselves to you.
• Might be generally jealous of you as a person and now that you have a new hairstyle, you look even better, and this irritates them.
• Etc…

So what do they do?

They say to you:

“Oh my god, I love your hair what extensions do you use?” — Passive Aggressive B****

or…

“Wow! I could never wear that much makeup how do you just get up every day and put all of that on? I just wear lip balm LOL”. — Passive Aggressive B****

Major yikes. These could have been compliments but instead of them leaving it at that, they have to add that your hair growth journey might just be extensions; discrediting or avoiding praising your efforts out of envy.

They could have just said “Wow, your makeup looks so nice how do you do that?”, but no, they had to make it seem like you’re ‘doing too much and that they are perhaps superior for not wearing as much makeup in comparison to you.

In reality, this was an attempt to make themselves feel better about their lack of experience and skill when it comes to makeup as of that point in time in comparison to you.

No matter what reason they have for wanting to be aggressive towards you, the bottom line is that they will express it in passive and sneaky ways to get their points across without being overtly mean to avoid being confronted (their biggest fear).

So here’s today’s big question… Why are some people like this?

Photo by Brooke Cagle on Unsplash

#1: An order of Snide Behavior with a Smile on Top!

If you hate confrontation and don’t want to be held responsible for anything your say or do, being passive-aggressive is a great option for you…

There are some people who have either not been taught how to be assertive or haven’t enough to have any experiences that would shape them into a person who can express themselves in an assertive manner.

Socialization, family, and friendships dynamics, in early life, may all play a part in what you are taught about assertive expression and how to express yourself appropriately and efficiently.

If you do not develop an understanding of what is and isn’t appropriate or productive, you’ll continue to utilize ineffective and unproductive methods of expression.

Passive-aggressive people lack the necessary social skills to speak up, say how they feel, say no, make comments or ask questions without their foundational negativism and passive-aggressive tendencies.

So they’ll say awful things through implications and careful word choice; all with a coy smile. INFURIATING!!!

#2: Envy

Passive Aggressive people often and fundamentally have a persistent sense of inadequacy and insecurity. This drives a vast majority of their interpersonal issues and passive-aggressive “altercations”.

Through envy and jealousy seem to be interchangeable terms, we will use the word envy primarily here.

Envy is defined as: “A feeling of discontented or resentful longing aroused by someone else’s possessions, qualities, or luck”. — Google Oxford Dictionary.

They are resentful and negativistic. They view the success of others as an insult to them.

They feel like they should be succeeding over people but simultaneously may not want to put in the work to do so.

Resentful of the fact that you undermine them (from their point of you) for simply being yourself or reaching a goal they’ve yet to or will never really be able to.

#3: Revenge

They may justify their actions through means of revenge.

Envy defined in the aforementioned could be a source for why they’d like to exact revenge, however, their reasons won’t be that simple or honest.

They might blame you for their inadequacy or bad day, and seek out revenge as a result; actively searching for an opportunity to slight you soon afterward.

For example:

Someone was hoping to run against you for valedictorian. They didn’t make the top 10 students because their grades weren’t high enough.

It’s their fault in actuality for not being eligible for valedictorian because there’s a provincial or state standard in place for eligibility that they did not meet.

But you did, you had the grades and even won the position of valedictorian via your academic prowess and student body vote.

This person starts spreading nasty rumors, saying things like:

“Daniel is just so friendly with the vice principal don’t you think? I mean like they’re always together in the hallways, in her office, I think I even once saw them in the bathroom together. Especially during midterms.”. — Passive Aggressive Loser

The game of broken telephone runs its course and you’re confronted by your friend:

“I was at my locker and this girl from AP Bio came up to me and straight-up asked if you were sleeping with the VP to get valedictorian?! Did you know about this?!”. — Concerned Friend

They’ve spread this rumor in hopes that you would lose your position as a result of a drastic change in public opinion; that the school’s administration would have to choose another candidate to maintain the school’s reputation and kill the story.

Though it’s possible that this wouldn’t work in their favor, they thought they deserved to exact revenge as a result of their envy towards you.

So they utilized a passive-aggressive ploy in an attempt to take you down without being clearly responsible for upsetting you or potential downfall.

#4: They may have a condition called PAPD

Though it cannot be medically diagnosed, volume four of the DSM referred to it as being Negativistic Personality Disorder.

According to the APA, American Psychology Association:

Passive Aggressive Personality Disorder is:

“A personality disorder of long-standing in which ambivalence towards the self and others is expressed by such means as procrastination, dawdling, stubbornness, intentional inefficiency, “forgetting” appointments, or misplacing important materials.

These maneuvers are interpreted as passive expressions of underlying negativism.

The pattern persists even when more adaptive behavior is clearly possible; it’ frequently interferes with occupational, domestic, and academic success.” — APA’s Definition of PAPD

#5: Conversely, Anger, and Aggression are not socially acceptable forms of expression for the most part.

Kids are taught from a young age that anger is not acceptable.

They are often taught that they should regulate their emotions to better suit the feelings and reputations of those around them.

In fact, anger might be directed at them in an especially hostile, possibly violent, and confrontational way if they expressed any form of anger beyond what was deemed reasonable by their authority figure.

Taught to fear confrontation, this child will choose to express their anger in a more passive way to avoid being hurt any further.

This is why when you confront some passive-aggressive people, they seem to have a knot in their throat when you ask them to explain what is really making them so passively angry.

Their inner child has been severely wounded and because they were stunted in this rea of their social development, they genuinely don’t know how else to assert themselves.

Whether they weren’t taught how to express themselves healthily or they were mistreated as a result of their “unacceptable feelings”, this has resulted in a tendency to be passive-aggressive as they grow older.

Once aware of how their behavior affects others, and that there are better, more effective, and safe ways to express their anger, they can assume a better form of expression.

#5, Pt.2, Childhood:

In addition to the aforementioned, children might learn to be passive-aggressive through their parents’ behavior.

• Abuse; mental, interpersonal, and physical…
• Punishments: physical, humiliating, over the top…
• Silent Treatment: Ignoring the child for not acting accordingly…
• Abandonment and Neglect.
• Inconsistent parenting methods.
• Etc…

#6: Mental Health and Fluxes in their lives:

Just as you cant label a passive-aggressive person as a singular state of being, you cannot limit them to it either. We are not one-dimensional beings.

They might be being passive-aggressive as a result of other mental illnesses.

Mental illnesses and disorders that affect a person’s mental health and primary social functions may be expressed through their adapted passive-aggressive behaviors.

From OCD to BPD, you never know what someone might have.

Whether it be as a result of or expressed in addition to the illness, it is a valid issue that must be addressed and taken into account when conversing with that individual.

Lastly, the person might simply be in a sh*tty period of their life where the only way they feel safe expressing their anger towards the world is through passive comments and avoidant behavior.

This might phase out once they find their life is back to where they are comfortable and, at the very least, content with their circumstances.

Reflection Note

If you’ve found that after reading thus far that you demonstrate any of the above traits or patterns, that’s a good thing because self-awareness is the first step to success in consideration of your personal growth.

There is no shame in self-discovery and progression.

Upon that wave of anger and self-doubt, allow yourself the time you need to process your emotions and understand why it is that you feel this way.

Reflect on the reasoning and whether or not it is worthy of your time or energy, and whether or not your impact on the person would be valid, moral, or worthwhile.

Seek the path of least resistance and watch as your everyday life becomes significantly less aggravating.

Consensus

So we now know:

• What passive aggression is?
• Some examples of passive aggression.
• Why someone would be passive-aggressive.

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See you soon,

-S.M